T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 109087
posted 12-14-2013 09:15 AM
I'm new to the site, so I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I'm looking for a little advice. I'm a male, I've been in a committed relationship with a girl for a year now. We've always had a pretty open sex life, and we've experimented with different things. I have challenges openly discussing my sexual desires with her, for two reasons: 1) my ex completely ignored me when I told her (we dated for 3 years) 2) I think they are somehow wrong, even though I know not to think that way. We've been really open with each other over the past week, and she's revealed that she wants a flogger for christmas. This is something that I'm not necessarily opposed to. To be honest, it kind of turns me on. But for some reason I just can't bring myself to tell her that. Any time she brings it up, I just freeze up and don't say anything, and I don't know why. We've also been discussing fantasies, and I got up enough courage to tell her some of my more kinky ones, that include me in a dominant role. That took a lot for me to do, but it built a lot of trust us (and it was pretty fun to go through with it too). Here's where I have trouble, and this is pretty hard to even type anonymously. One of her fantasies is to have herself in a dominant role, me tied up, and she plans to push my limits a little when it comes to bondage, spanking, and anal play. The problem isn't that I don't want her to do those things, the problem is that I do want her to, but I think that's just so incredibly weird and that it's such a drastic shift in my sexual identity that I shouldn't be thinking that way... I can't even bring myself to give her my thoughts on her desires, let alone ask her to go through with it, because I feel shame. That's not only hurting me, but it's hurting her, because she's told me something that she wants to do, and I can't be honest with her about it, so it's hurting her trust. Looking for a little advice for someone who's been in the same situation? How do you get over feelings of shame in things that you want to try with your partner?
Member # 90293
posted 12-14-2013 10:17 AM
Hi Sk21 and welcome to Scarleteen,
There usually isn't a magic bullet for making feelings of shame (or any other feelings, for that matter) go away immediately. Dealing with feelings is more of a process. It actually sounds like you and your girlfriend have already been through some pretty big changes recently in how you communicate about your needs and desires. That's fantastic! Give yourself some credit for the strides you've already made with that, okay? What do you think is holding you back from sharing your thoughts? To be more specific, what do you think would happen if you told your girlfriend that you're really into the fantasy she's shared, that it makes you feel turned on, et cetera? I think it can be just as beneficial to tell our partners that we're struggling with something, that we have conflicted feelings about it, as it is to tell them definitively what we do or don't want. In other words, talking with partners about wants and needs (whether about sex or about something else) can be a process, not just something where we make a decision on our own then share it with the other person. How do you think it would feel to share your uncertainties with your girlfriend, to tell her that you're turned on by this fantasy, but you're also feeling shame, and a big disconnect with what you previously thought your sexual identity was? [ 12-14-2013, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]
Member # 109023
posted 12-14-2013 02:03 PM
I'm not a Volunteer, I hope you don't mind if I chip in with my opinion. I just want to say (and you may already know this) that it's perfectly okay to talk about a fantasy, and even agree that it's hot and that you both want to do it, and then ... not do it. You don't have to have a reason not to. You can say "That sounds fun some day but not just now", or "Ask me again later", or "I'll tell you when I feel ready for this", or "It sounds hot but it makes me too uncomfortable" or even just "I'm not ready for this and I don't know why". These are all choices you get to make, and just because something turns you on doesn't mean you have to do it. I'm saying this in the hope that you can feel safer talking with her about your thoughts and feelings about this subject. One thing you could try to ease things up a bit is to spend some time just exploring each other's fantasies, without any expectation of acting on them. It can be great fun to just whisper sexy stories to each other while cuddling and touching, and you might feel less shame if you can enjoy the intimacy while you can see how a story turns her on. The last bit I want to say is to share from my own experience about having dominant fantasies. My shame about them went away soon after I realized that people who want to fulfill the other side of those fantasies really exist, and really want to do what I want, and that it's not selfish to act out those fantasies together with them. Anyway, best of luck, and honestly it sounds like you and she are already communicating very well about these things
Member # 109087
posted 12-15-2013 12:48 PM
Thanks to everyone for their comments. This particularly resonated with me: "My shame about them went away soon after I realized that people who want to fulfill the other side of those fantasies really exist, and really want to do what I want, and that it's not selfish to act out those fantasies together with them." I just wish I had have read it earlier. Unfortunately, instead I decided it would be a better idea to go out with her, and get REALLY drunk. We went back to my place, talked about it, and everything sounds like a good idea with nature's best catalyst: Alcohol. If you don't like graphic content, this would be a good time to stop reading. To spare you the nitty gritty details, she fulfilled my fantasy, and it felt incredible... Until the alcohol got the best of me and I threw up everywhere. I feel horrible and embarrassed and ashamed. But, it happens to the best of us. And at least now she knows. It just wasn't in the way I had hoped. Lesson #1 to all of you: Alcohol can help you loosen up and communicate, but don't over do it.
Member # 90293
posted 12-15-2013 01:25 PM
Alcohol can also lower inhibitions to the point where people aren't actually able to give informed consent. It doesn't sound like that happened here, but I just wanted to put in an extra-special vote for not using alcohol-consumption to overcome feelings of shyness, shame, or worry around sex of any kind with someone else. Sorry to hear that your experience didn't quite go as either you or your girlfriend has probably hoped, but it sounds like you're both feeling okay about that.