T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 96261
posted 09-07-2012 08:23 PM
I 've been having a rough month and i feel so depressed, two people who i considered were my friends dont talk to me anymore and i feel a terrible person. My mom has a new job and she is secretly dating her ex again so i feel like she no longer cares about me, besides my boyfriend is acting weird and i think we're falling apart, he is an excellent student but recently got some bad grades and while he is stressed he is kind of mean. I feel really sad and want to cry everytime. Any help ?
Member # 41699
posted 09-07-2012 10:49 PM
Hi suli, sorry to hear you're feeling so terrible!
Can you explain why you think your mother no longer cares about you? You say she has a new job and is dating her ex but I don't quite understand how that means she doesn't care about you, so if you could clarify that for me, that'd be great Sorry! Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about how he's been acting lately and how you feel about it? Stress definitely does affect how people interact with others, but it's definitely important that you let him know how he's been acting towards you, as when we're stressed we can sort of turn inwards and not really think about how we're treating the people around us, you know? You could also take the opportunity to ask your boyfriend what he needs of you/the relationship in times of major stress like this. Some people need more time by themselves when they're stressed out, while other people prefer to have MORE contact with their partner during times of stress. Since people are so variable, it's really important that we talk to our partners about their particular needs in situations. Does that sound like a good place for you to start?
Member # 96773
posted 09-07-2012 11:15 PM
Suli150, sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. A question- have you talked to any of these people about your anxieties regarding them? Without more background information, I can't really comment on the friends situation, but your boyfriend and your mom are clearly important people in your life.
All truly functional relationships are based on consistent and honest communication. So if you are worried about how your boyfriend and mother are currently feeling about you, why not sit them both down separately and open up to them? As well as sharing your own fears, try to look at things from their perspectives so you can ask questions in a way that takes each of their current situations (and possible stresses) into account. That way, you should be able to have an open and honest discussion that illuminates the truth- so you will finally have some answers. A lot of anxiety can come from feeling in the dark about important things, and this sounds like a whole heap of that! I personally find that along with (re)establishing communication, taking part in activities that take your attention away from all your stress-causing issues can definitely help. For example, doing some kind of volunteer work through school or your neighborhood community will not only distract you from these thoughts for some time (so you don't feel constantly overwhelmed), but it could make you feel better about yourself in a real way- so this "terrible person" image of yourself doesn't have so fast a grip on you. Just an idea.
Member # 96261
posted 09-08-2012 12:29 AM
Thank you Onionpie and Claire, I have great communication with my mom at myg boyfriend but i just had to gather courage to speak up, In the case of my mom I dont really like her ex and I have told her but she doesnt mind, she prefers to spend the night with him rather than hanging out with me. I visited my boyfriend and we talked about what is going on with him, besides his grades he thinks I am that kind of girl that is always being taken care of and that somebody is always watching me and we dont have time to spend just the two of us together ( I have bodyguards and also my grandma goes everywhere with me) I personally believe he is right I've always felt like in prision but my mom says it is for my own safety, exploring his feelings he later confessed we need to grow up more into our relationship ( because we started doing manual sex and outercourse ) and I felt awful he didn't tell me before, I told him that if he believed it wasn't right we can push the pause button and focus in our relationship a little bit better. ( we've been together for almost 2 years) I feel a little disappointed because I thought we had an excellent communication in the sexuality aspect and I felt like maybe I was pushing him to do things he didn't want to, good thing it is we are talking about it but I still feel sad.
Member # 96773
posted 09-08-2012 12:57 AM
Why is it that you do not like your mom's ex, Suli? And in what context did you tell her you did not like him- did she ask you for your opinion? Navigating a personal dating relationship that a close friend or relative is involved in, but you (or anyone in this situation) does not approve of can be difficult. Even if you "know" a certain relationship is a bad idea, voicing that opinion without being asked can often cause bad feeling- because clearly the people in the relationship feel differently, in a particularly strong way.
To put yourself in your mom's shoes for a moment, think about how you would feel if your mom told you she didn't like your boyfriend. Would you break up with him? Why or why not? I'm glad to hear you did talk to your boyfriend. It is understandable to feel disappointed about discovering previously-unknown issues in communication- but your response about pressing the pause button to focus on the relationship was the best way to respond, as it shows you really value him and his perspectives/boundaries. Now that you know the issues at hand with your boyfriend, is there any way to talk to your mom about having some quality time alone with your boyfriend- in a safe space? You say you are always with your grandma, but I assume the manual sex and outercourse happened in some kind of privacy? What were those situations like, environment-wise? If the problem is in leaving the house, maybe you and your boyfriend (with your mom's consent, ideally) could hang out at your home, where the 'watching over' you would hopefully not be necessary?
Member # 96261
posted 09-08-2012 01:06 AM
Because my mom's ex left her to marry other girl and he is still married !! I don't like him because he hurts my mom so bad but she still loves him, I can't tell her what to do but sure I know she doesn't feel comfortable even if Itell her things she know in a nice way.
Yes the sexual activities happened in an intimate place but still once we tried to hang out at my house and literally they were watching us over like little kids and we felt really awkward, I don't know how to find a space, maybe we can try somo other things to hang out but I don't know what Thanks for your advice I feel better .
Member # 96773
posted 09-08-2012 03:36 AM
Your feelings about your mom's ex do seem totally legitimate- while your explanation confirms that x10, I was actually just using the switch of perspective thing to illustrate how unfortunately, love isn't objective for the people involved. I'm glad we're already on the same page about that.
Have you ever talked to your mom about your relationship with your boyfriend? Obviously this technique totally depends on the way you and your mom relate, but could it help to straight-out tell your mother that you're frustrated with the helicopter parent/grandma situation? Maybe you could point out examples (that she already knows of, but hasn't necessarily thought about in-depth) that show you are a good kid (in a way that responds to her ideas of what traits that would include), and especially that you are trustworthy, know right from wrong, etc. Then could close with saying that since you are all these things, you would like acknowledgment of those traits, which would include being allowed to hang out with your boyfriend- at home in a safe space- without feeling like you and he can't have any personal time because it's understandably uncomfortable when a third party is present. You could even add that you two are trying to work on your relationship, if that kind of extra tidbit would appeal to your mother.
Member # 95710
posted 09-08-2012 09:40 AM
Suli, I am so sorry that you are going through a hard time. I sometimes get in rough patches with my friends, and I know what it's like to get the cold shoulder from some of them.
Communication isn't always as easy as it looks, and sometimes it can be hard to put into words or actions the things we want to say. Perhaps what you could do is write a list of the things you'd like to say - to your boyfriend or mother, for example - before having a talk with them. They don't have to be exact verbatim, but they can be things you have on your mind; so you at least have an outline for when you're with them. That might make you feel more confident and at ease when you have these conversations. Please keep us informed, and I hope you feel better soon!
Member # 96261
posted 09-08-2012 10:51 AM
yes I have talked with her but sometimes she says like: oh! I'll give you your space but next week or so she is still messaging me while we are on a date or things like that, sometimes I think she doesn't do that on purpose because she has tol e she feels alone but when I ask her to do things together she says no. I am a really good kid, I am an excellent student, I also exercise, volunteer, and in my school I haven't had any detention or so, I don't party hard neither smoke or drink, my boyfriend is the same as me and we are also responsible ( in case we further decide to have intercourse we decided to use protection and also go to the doctor) I don't feel like I'm good enough for my mom, she was also a great student but she had low self steem. I don't know what else should I try. I know I'm not old enough to live alone but I'm not a baby anymore.. What do you guys think I should do that can help talking?
Member # 90293
posted 09-08-2012 04:25 PM
When you say that they're always watching you and your boyfriend when you're at your house, do you mean your mother and your grandmother? When you ask your Mom if you and she can spend time together, have you told her how important it is to you? It sounds from what you say as if both you and your Mom have needs that are kind of at cross-purposes right now. It's also perfectly okay for you to gently mention to your Mom that though she says she'll give you and your boyfriend space, you've found that she follows that with texting you a lot when you're on dates with him. You can let her know how that makes you feel, and ask her how you can have a little more space with your boyfriend while still making sure that she knows you're okay?
Member # 96773
posted 09-09-2012 10:29 PM
My mom was the exact same way. And she still is, when I come visit, even now that I've been out of the house for years. Like Robin suggested, I think your mother is probably just checking in because that makes her feel involved in your life. When she texts you while you are on dates, is it just random stuff, or are her texts specific to the date you are on? Regardless, I've found it can be effective just to beat your mom to it. That might sound silly, but what if you not only told your mom (in person or otherwise) when you were leaving to go do something, but also texted her a few times when out? For example, when you got to wherever it is, you could text her something like, "I'm here, boyfriend and I are going to play scrabble/watch this movie/whatever now. FYI I'm not gonna be texting for awhile, don't want to be rude to him." You could update her later on- at least a few hours later- just to say another thing, for example, "Stepped out for a sec to say hi! Was just wondering if you'd like to *activity* soon? Miss our hang sessions." This way you can very firmly making it clear that you are unavailable during these activities(although it should also be obvious that she could call you if necessary/for an emergency), but still interested in spending time with your mother. You said she has/had low self-esteem, so it could be especially gratifying for her to know that you are thinking of her even while you are out with a person she knows is very important to you. You responding to her texts might not have the same value because you would be taking the initiative here. I personally like the "politeness" excuse for texting, because a lot of people respect that (especially older people). It has to be true across the board though- as in, when you and your mother are hanging out, you can't be half-there, half-attached to your phone. Similarly, it's possible she turns you down for hang-outs not because she does not want to hang out, but because she could be afraid you are asking just because your boyfriend is not available at that time. Does that sound like your mother at all? [ 09-09-2012, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: Claire P. ]