T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 45977
posted 02-27-2010 07:35 AM
Hey , Well im 16 & my name's Maddie. Im from a country were culture, family traditions and religion does not allow you to have sex before marrige, if you do have sex then your doomed because your husband is going to find out the night of your wedding that you're not a virgin when he has sex with you and leave you. I unfortunetly am stuck in this culture and im living here in New York, I came here when i was 9 and now that im in highschool and secretly dateing someone , I had sex and now that i realize that my parents would totally dissown me and be so embarased if i ever told them that i didnt want to marrie someone from our country with our culture. Im just worried that if me and my now boyfriend do break up , and I accept someones offer to marrie me from my own culture will they actually find out that im not a virgin? I am so worried and this is always in my thought. I love my boyfriend and im 100% comfortable with him, but I dont know if i could be forever with him because its not a relationship were im like "i cant live without you , im gonna run away if they dont let us get married. " please help and give me some advice!
Member # 13388
posted 02-27-2010 06:18 PM
I'm sorry to hear you're in a difficult situation right now. It's really tricky when you're expected to do one thing and follow a certain set of values/expectations when you feel differently. We support your choosing what's right for you; however, we also don't want you to get in trouble or feel bad about having sex. You just can't tell if someone's had sex before by examining them; in fact, the whole concept of virginity is social rather than medical. You don't have to plan for the future right now, but I would perhaps reconsider participating in sexual activities when you think you could be disowned. What are you planning on doing after you graduate from high school? Here are some articles and advice pieces for starters. There are a bunch but your question addresses many things, so I think the more of these you read, the more it'll help you reflect on you situation and do what feels right to you (or at least get started on that path!) Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/my_culture_insists_on_virginity_did_i_break_my_hymen_with_masturbation http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/values 20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For It's a Vagina, Not a Crystal Ball Safer Sex...for Your Heart
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Member # 35643
posted 02-27-2010 09:10 PM
Also, would you be comfortable to tell us which country you are originally from or which culture you belong to? Often there are local girls/womens support organizations which are specific for women from Africa or Asia, for example, who are living abroad. They would be very familiar with counselling women who are going through these issues.