T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 40684
posted 02-01-2010 10:29 PM
i just need advice and someone to talk to... i hold so much inside because i feel that im alone.
my story... I lost my dad june 27, 2008 this was the beginning of what feels like the end... I had a boyfriend then...we were stable, my dad died 2 wks before my 16th bday he told me that i couldnt officially date until i was 16. my boyfriend who Im gonna identify as "G" was all i had to turn to at the time. we were inseperable at first. although, i lost my dad;; i had someone to keep me sane. Months after things got worse from a mixture of my attitude and anger from my loss and trust. Long story short, he cheated on me. It tore me apart. All of this took place starting in March of 09. It is Feb of '10 and I still cant cope. Me and G destroyed each other. After breaking up in July he tried several attempts to get me bk while remaining with the girl he cheated on me with. I lost all trust. i never took him back. From here, I became a bitter and downright evil *** (sorry)person. I've tried to move on and talk to other boys but nothing is working for me. Its like 1 bad relationship after another. I have so many 'self' issues that just make me feel like im unworthy. I struggle with body image, inner acceptance and all type of crap that makes me feel completely pathetic as a person. I sulk and cry over the stupidest stuff. I just want to be happy. Everyone around me has a boyfriend that their happy with accept for me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life that i feel i am paying for now. I think that god is teaching me a lesson;; im just not understanding the moral. i feel more like im getting torchured. Unhappiness feels like an imprisonment of the mind. I truly think the reason Im so unhappy is because for 1 i no longer have G, and my dad. and for 2 because im just not having any luck relationship wise. I keep trying to tell myself "who needs boys" but i mean is it not only human nature to want to feel special in SOMEBODIES eyes?? I need help. I am seriously depressed. I need help moving on and letting go of the things that have hurt me in the past. Also, I need help to build back my confidence as a person and make me feel significant. Somebody tell me wtf is wrong with me please!
Member # 39174
posted 02-01-2010 11:04 PM
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and have been feeling so alone. You definitely don't have to work everything through by yourself. I don't think anything you've said at all indicates there is something wrong with you. You've been through trauma and grief from losing your dad and then re-experiencing grief and pain from your relationship with G deteriorating. You're still going through all this grieving. Have you been able to speak to any family or friends about any of this? Do you think that's something you'd like to do? It can be really helpful to have someone close available you can speak to. Have you had any counselling? That would probably be very beneficial for you, to help you address and deal with everything that's been building up about both your dad and G, including how you're negatively viewing yourself. I think counselling would be a really good idea. To be honest, i don't think you having another boyfriend right now would be the best thing for you. I do think though that having people close to you is very important, people who can support you. You're definitely not alone is how you're feeling, lots of people (myself included) struggle and have struggled with dealing with trauma and pain. It can make you feel really isolated but you don't have to be. There are lots of people around you who care about you.
Member # 40684
posted 02-01-2010 11:17 PM
I really appreciate your reply.
For starters... I chose not to talk to family members because (the women especially) in my family are VERY STRONG. They are capable of carrying on without a males support without any difficulties. I ultimately feel that all my pain is navigating to males. I think, if i was to talk to someone in my family my emotion wouldnt be understood. I would be looked at as vulnerable and naive and weak. ...which i actually do feel that i am right now. I just tend to keep my emotion and private life to myself. my family doesnt understand my true self. I only show them my productivity academic wise, so they think highly of me. I would hate to ruin my perception over a shallow issue like this. I would like to try counseling, i just dont know how. Going to this website has helped me in the past, i feel that this is my counseling. lol. Also, I dont think im ready for another relationship either. i just want to feel wanted by someone. And as far as my friends go, they understand for the most part. But no one truly know's how much pain and stress I carry on me. I hate being the bitter friend that is always unhappy and raining on everyones parade. I find it easier to just do my own thing in my own time...i guess this is why i come home and cry everyday. I write in a journal but after going back and reading it, it just sounds like a bunch of pity. i beat myself up way too much. its not like a normal diary where yu elaborate on your day...its full of unhappy thoughts and reasons for why im unsatisfied and bitterness with myself. i hate feeling like this. im about to go to college in a few mnths i should be happy and enjoying my life. I want to be a more elated and optimistic person.... i promise i try to work on myself and the way i am but i always resort to sadness and beating myself up!!
Member # 3
posted 02-02-2010 10:47 AM
quote: its not like a normal diary where yu elaborate on your day...its full of unhappy thoughts and reasons for why im unsatisfied and bitterness with myself. If it makes you feel any better, I think an awful lot of young adult journals are just like that. I know mine sure were.
In terms of seeking out counseling, does your school have a counselor for students? Many do, and that might be the easiest place for you to start: it's free, it's right at school, etc. I also hope you can recognize that there's nothing shallow about what you're feeling or what you've gone through. The death of a parent is a huge deal for most people, especially when you're younger. A partner cheating is a big deal. Empty relationships are a big deal. A poor self-image is a big deal. Feeling lonely and isolated is a big deal. Even just one of these things is very tough for most people.
Member # 40684
posted 02-02-2010 07:31 PM
i understand that what i am going through is a big deal, i just don't think I would get the understanding (like you're giving me from family members.) I'm not sure if we have those type of counselors at my school but I will look into it. I just want to be happy and stop feeling like everybodies world is moving while mine is at a stand still. I am a teenager, i want to enjoy my life not be pessimistic and so bitter about it. Dealing with G... i wish i knew how to forgive him, all my emotion is anger towards him and it is evident to me that his is the primary source of all of this. I say this because...my father's death hurt me in ways that i cant explain but i understood his death. he had cancer. I dealt with it better than this issue with G. I do not know how to let go of the pain that he has caused me. And he doesnt make it any better because like i stated he's tried alot to get me back. But he has never convinced me that we will work again, because he doesnt want to let go of the new girls he has. (that makes me feel worthless, i've been with this dude for 3 yrs and im not worth letting these ppl that dont even know you go?????) i hadnt heard from him in like a week and I decided with myself that the healthiest thing to do was quit associating with him...but then he starts back calling and texting (which i do not reply to) ...im like man if you want me then stop hurting me, if you dont then LEAVE ME ALONE. its never that simple with him though. And the way I am over him, i am always willing to give him another chance thinking it will be different and he does nothing but hurt me even more. He's playing games and playing with my heart. Im sick of it all. man idk!!!!!!!! im so confused about everything going on. I just feel worthless! the way i look at it is he must have not anted me if he was looking for someone outside our relationship. like im not good enough.