T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 28780
posted 06-29-2009 09:19 AM
Last night I wanted to die.
Things have been bad lately. I've been having a sort of depressed/angry episode for the last couple weeks. For the last couple months I've been completely withdrawing socially and not leaving my house unless it's absolutely necessary. I just can't take this anymore. I wake up at night screaming, have insomnia, have horrible nightmares. I have anxiety constantly, especially social anxiety. I've also been self harming again. I know I need help, and I've started the long (for me) road to getting therapy and help. My doctor has put me on a "benzo" type med, clonazepam to help with the panic attacks, and that's supposed to tide me over until I get on a regimen. I'm getting diagnosed, then starting meds, and then starting therapy. I guess I just wanted a little bump of support from you guys because I've been keeping myself out of therapy even though I've needed it for a long time. I feel a lot of guilt for feeling like this. I feel like I'm being self-indulgent and selfish because when I try to talk to my mom about this stuff she just says, "You just focus on it too much. Stop thinking like that." Which is code for "This is your fault you're feeling like this. Stop it." So I feel like I'm starting this new part of my life completely alone. But back to last night. I wanted to die. So I called a hotline, and it was the most craptastic experience I have EVER had with a hotline. I felt like I was trying to call into a customer service department to pay a phone bill. I got transferred around, put on hold, talked down to, and ignored for 45 minutes before I just hung up. One guy I talked to asked me my birthday for some reason, and when I told it to him he said "Oh cool that's my birthday too! Oh wait. No, it's not." I just said, "You're sick dude, how can you be making crappy jokes with me right now." Anyway. I never did get to talk to anyone who was worth it. And I guess I just wanted to talk here a bit because my parents are in such denial about my mental state and are impossible to talk to. I'm working on getting therapy and finally get out of my head. But I guess I just wanted someone to know that.
Member # 3
posted 06-29-2009 09:24 AM
Mental illness is called an illness for a reason. In other words, your mother's approach to this isn't compassionate or reasonable to me, and I can't imagine she'd have the same approach if you had another kind of illness, you know?
(One suggestion I'd have is to ask your doctor or therapist for resources for your mother next time you see them. Really, her reaction is understandable, but it isn't supportive, as you know. She may just need a bit of education.) So, while you're going to feel how you feel, I'd encourage you to try and recognize that there isn't anything selfish about feeling this way and being upset about a time of mental illness. You're stepping up and getting treated, you're taking care of yourself 9and good on you for that). There's just no instant fix, and that's not your fault. I'm sure if you, or anyone else, could just stop this kind of illness with the power of your mind, you would, no? I'm so sorry that was your hotline experience.
Member # 28780
posted 06-29-2009 06:57 PM
Good to hear from you Heather
Luckily right after I got off the phone with the hotline I logged onto Facebook and saw that one of my friends who has bipolar disorder was online. We chatted for about a half hour and she talked me down. We shared similar frustrations with family members making you feel like you're selfish for asking for help and support. Getting resources for my mom is a good idea, and I think once I get diagnosed it will open her eyes. (It's unfortunate that she can't just believe ME, but oh well.) Because totally, it's an illness just like any other illness. And it's not like I can just "stop it." Ever since I was about 16/17 and I started feeling like this she has been telling me to "stop it." Since I called a suicide hotline last night, I think that proves that nothing has stopped. I'm really nervous about getting on medication, but I have been trying to get by for years now on my own and I've been barely scraping by. Self medication is really dangerous, and that's what I've been doing with drugs, alcohol, and self harm. I'm sick of treating myself like this, and I want to see a point to my life again. I see what you're saying about the guilt thing, and I'm really going to try and change that thought process. I grew up with nothing but guilt and shame about EVERYTHING and that stuff really sticks with you. The friend I talked to last night said something that stuck with me though: "You have to be mindful of the things YOU are telling yourself versus the things your ILLNESS is telling you." I think a lot of the guilt stems from my habit to neurotically worry myself to death.
Member # 3
posted 06-29-2009 07:11 PM
Good to hear from you, too, though I sure wish you were feeling better!
It sounds like your friend was a fantastic support to you last night. Hooray! And I'm in agreement with what she said to you. I know that guilt can be sticky as hell: one side of my family was raised and ruled by guilt, so I've watched how that has played out for them. Not well, suffice it to say. Cheesy as it may sound, I'm a big fan of small little affirmations we can create for ourselves with things like this. So, it might be a helpful thing for you to just write one or two down somewhere you can see them plenty, and one good one might be something like, "Guilt gets me nowhere," or something like that.
Member # 25425
posted 07-01-2009 12:25 AM
Hello, Fallchild! It's good to see you back on the boards, though I, too, wish it was under happier circumstances.
I'm glad to hear that you are seeking out help and starting therapy. I know that it's a long, hard road, but it's ultimately worth it. I hope you and your therapist can settle on a treatment plan that works for you soon. I just wanted to say that your mother said the exact same thing to you that my mother said to me for most of me teens. When I was 15, the mother of a friend of mine found out about my cutting and threatened to tell my mother, so I 'came out' to my mother and her reaction was "well, just stop, then". It's the same thing that she told me a year later when I begged her to let me start therapy. So, I completely understand how frustrating and hurtful it is is to have your family be so unsupportive. But it does sound like you've got at least one great friend there, ready to help you out. And you've always seemed to me to be someone with a good head on their shoulders, so I am sure that you will find the strength to work through this and get better. Let us know how therapy works out for you! [ 07-01-2009, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: September ]
Member # 43019
posted 07-01-2009 02:44 AM
I hear you. I have been emotionally depressed and self-medicating/harming on and off since middle school (I am now on the verge of adulthood). Throughout these years, I have felt very alone and dysfunctional. And like you said, feeling a sense of guilt and anger with myself. I try to be patient with myself but sometimes still I can't understand why I have been fighting demons for so long. My mother told me to go to hell a few days ago. I can't stop thinking about killing myself, I don't see the point in life if my own mother thinks that she can't see herself loving the person I've become. But at the same time, I am holding on to the possibility that whatever is making me feel/act like a monster will go away if I work hard enough for it. Therapy was never an option for me, and my way of dealing with all of my pain is a mixture of self-harm and just trying to understand my emotional self, as complex as it is. You write with an inspiring sense of optimism about getting better. I hope for the best with your treatment and therapy. Keep holding on
Member # 28780
posted 07-01-2009 11:33 PM
I really appreciate the replies
I just got back from a visit at my parents' house and we actually had a really productive talk about everything. I firmly but nicely told my mom that her "just don't focus on it" statement made me feel like crap, and that if I could just think myself out of everything I wouldn't be this way. I think that opened her eyes. I told her that the only thing that I COULD focus on was my attitude about my illness and whether I get help or not, not the illness itself and the fact that it exists. My mom struggles with an undiagnosed mood disorder herself which runs through her entire side of the family, and she was raised to never talk about her emotions or feelings (or issues). And tonight she told me that she just never knew if I was comfortable with her bringing up my illness in conversation, which is understandable. I told her that I WANT to talk about it, that I NEED to talk about it, and that trying to pretend it isn't there makes everything worse. I also told her that it isn't too late for her to break HER conditioning, because she struggles with a lot of the same guilt and shame that I do because she was brought up that way. I think we both felt better after this talk. September: Thank you very much for the good wishes and support. I completely understand how that reaction from your mother must have made you feel. Hi, ndctrotter, I've never spoken with you on the boards, but I just wanted to tell you that I appreciated your reply and ability to talk about such personal stuff. You know, I've been suicidal quite a few times in my life, and one of the thoughts that usually snaps me out of it is: "You know, this is MY life, and no one else can live it. If I don't have anyone else to live for, I'm at least going to live for ME, because even though I've gone through a lot of crap I must be worth something." I know how it feels to have a parent who, well, might not treat their child how that child deserves by any means, and it really sucks. My father treated me that way. I was physically beaten by him almost every day for 17 years and I was verbally abused more often than that. As I was growing up I always blamed myself for the abuse, telling myself that it must have been ME who was being such a terrible daughter and that I must have done something wrong by being born. I punished myself a lot for not being the daughter that my father wanted. Hurt like that really really sticks with you. I can't even describe how difficult it has been to rebuilt a sense of self-esteem and worth. But slowly, it has begun to come back together. There is always hope. There is always someone who you have made a positive influence on. And most of all, there is always YOU, who is an amazing, dynamic, intelligent, talented person no matter what anyone else tells you, and you are worth everything. By the way Heather, I liked the self-affirmation idea and didn't think it was cheesy at all [ 07-01-2009, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: fallchild ]
Member # 28780
posted 07-06-2009 04:24 PM
Things aren't getting better. I feel like I'm losing touch with reality. I've had terrible insomnia for the last three weeks, and the other night I actually started hallucinating. I'm so exhausted, but when I try to sleep I just toss and turn, ruminate about past events that I'm embarrassed or worried about, and have flashbacks from when I was a kid. I can't go grocery shopping without bringing a friend to hold my list and direct me around the store because I get distracted and end up wandering around the store for hours.
And I swear, it's not like I need anything else to worry about. The other day my gay brother (who isn't out to our parents) told me that he almost committed suicide. The only thing that stopped him was when he pulled the trigger, the gun clicked instead of firing. It was completely loaded. I want to be there for him, because both sets of our parents (our parents are divorced) are homophobic. Our biological father, who my brother still has to visit for some reason, goes on anti-gay tirades for literally hours, and our stepdad says really hurtful things sometimes. What I want to know is WHY parents hurt their children so readily. It makes me so f****** angry to know that the very people who are supposed to be there for my younger brother are driving him over the edge. I try to talk to him when I can, but I don't know what else to do for him. He's moving in with me in a year when he's done with high school, and I'm trying to be a support for him in the meantime, but I almost lost him, and I'm scared. I want SO much to be there for my younger brother, I don't want to give up and kill myself before he can start being happy again. I also just found out one of my friends from high school committed suicide recently. I'm just so....tired. Last night I took a bath and I ended up curling up underwater in the fetal position on the floor of the tub because it was so quiet and still. And just so you know I'm still trying to get help. But my stepdad was fired from his job recently so my whole family lost our health insurance. We are close to getting new insurance, but we have to wait a bit and I'm starting to lose my motivation. [ 07-06-2009, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: fallchild ]
Member # 29269
posted 07-07-2009 06:55 PM
I don't know exactly how US healthcare works, but from what you're saying, visiting your GP isn't an option? If it's possible, I'd say that's the first thing to do.
I'd recommend, per the sleep thing, some form of herbal medication in that case (I used Kalms for a while and they're pretty good), along with perhaps lavender oil on the pillow and bathing before bed. If you're struggling to get to sleep after half an hour or so, the advice I've heard is to get up and try again after another fifteen or thirty minutes. I'd look up more things, but I'm standing in the Apple Store in Vancouver and don't really know how long I have before I get kicked out. I'd also say it might be a good idea for you to encourage your brother to hand over his gun to someone he can trust for safekeeping for a while, but that's really his call. I know first hand how hard this can be, but do try to stay positive. Try to focus on things that take your mind of this, talking with friends, movies, books or other escapist things perhaps. I did find a list of other hotlines in Utah, if you're interested. I'm so sorry you had such a crappy experience - most of these people are good-hearted volunteers who really want to help, but there are some less-than-encouraging ones out there. Don't forget, if things are really very bad, you can call 911 for this or walk in to an ER. That takes some serious ovaries/testes, and I'd greatly admire anyone who can do it, but sometimes it's the best option. And don't forget we're all here if you need to talk some more!
Member # 33665
posted 07-07-2009 09:31 PM
Hey fallchild, I'm sorry to hear things have been so crappy lately. I understand it can be tough to get therapy when you don't have insurance (and it's also tough when you don't have the emotional support of your family), but I did find several therapists in your area that work on a sliding scale, and many of them also have experience working with GLBT folks. You could try calling up to see if you can have a free introductory session with some of the people, or at least find out how much it would cost you beforehand.
Here are the ones I found that work on a sliding scale. Some have GLBT expertise, others don't but do list GLBT issues as one of their areas: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, and Six You might even see if your brother could come to a couple sessions with you to talk over some of his problems. I hope things turn out okay. Good luck.
Member # 28780
posted 07-08-2009 03:07 PM
Thank you thank you patrickvienna and orca for your replies
Patrick, I can't believe you wrote me that whole reply while you were standing in an Apple store, lol. I really appreciate it. Thank you for that list; I know I'll be referring to it soon. And orca, thank you for taking the time to find those therapists! Good news: we got our insurance back, so I just need to do some calling around. I need to find a psychiatrist too because my GP wants me to get an evaluation. All in good time I guess. My brother is doing a lot better these last couple days. He finally ended his relationship with an abusive partner and that has really improved things. I know I have a lot to do ,per calling and stuff, but I got three hours of sleep last night and all I can hear in my head is white noise and static. I feel like my brain is full of fog. Not getting a full night's worth of sleep in a month and a half seriously messes with you. I also think I have celiac disease (no gluten, ever), and the fact that I haven't been able to eat or sleep is making me really depressed, angry, and anxious. I'll write you guys to keep you up on things, but this typing is too much for me right now. Talk to y'all soon.
Member # 3
posted 07-10-2009 04:54 PM
How are you doing today, fallchild?
Member # 28780
posted 07-10-2009 08:16 PM
I'm actually doing pretty good today, thanks. Last night I SLEPT, for the first night in month and a half. I guess I forgot how much clarity sleep can give because today I felt alert, non-foggy, and calm(er). I also got up the courage to call the psychiatric clinic in my neighborhood and schedule an appointment for an evaluation. I also had a conversation with my one of my roommates about this stuff, just so at least one of them is aware that I have a big potential of having "bad days" (understatement). I also wanted one of them to know because I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep everything from them at risk of feeling like a freak. So that was kind of a relief. No alcohol, no cutting, and no freaking out today
Member # 29269
posted 07-11-2009 12:34 AM
Glad to hear it, hun/sport/sweetheart/babe/other (delete as appropriate) (from the slightly less glamorous location of my hostel in Chicago).
Member # 3
posted 07-11-2009 10:01 AM
All good news, fallchild. Thanks for checking in.
Member # 28780
posted 07-18-2009 09:03 AM
I'm so angry right now that my hands are literally shaking as I'm typing this and my heart is pounding.
Remember how I said that I had confided in a roommate that I have been having a "hard time" but that I'm going to get professional help? Well last night she did the most non-understanding thing ever. A couple nights ago she had a cousin over to spend the night. When me and my girlfriend walked through the kitchen, I introduced myself to her, shook her hand, and introduced my girlfriend to her. Then we walked out and we didn't see them the rest of the night. The next morning I woke up in a bad mood and was late for work, so while they were eating breakfast I was pretty much doing my own thing and rushing around to get ready. Well, last night my roommate said that she couldn't believe how rude I was to her cousin, and that the morning she and her were eating breakfast I had a "bad look on my face" and that it had made her cousin uncomfortable. I said, "Well, I'm sorry your cousin got so uncomfortable, but my bad mood wasn't about you guys at all. I'm just not really a morning person." I expected the conversation to be over then, but she kept pushing the issue, and said, "When you have looks like that on your face, people might take it personally and it makes a bad feeling in the whole house." I said, "Look, you know I'm having a hard time and that I'm getting help. I'm not going to go around with a goofy fake smile on my face in my own house just to make people comfortable. I feel like this whole thing is unfair." The last thing she said was, "Well when it comes to YOUR attitude, and MY family, I won't make any compromises." I was totally shocked. It didn't end there though. She CALLED OUR LANDLORD, and told some crazy story probably about how I'm apparently just horrible to be around, and now she's called a "team meeting" because there are some "issues" that are affecting everyone's "healthy experience in the house." I am LIVID. I don't understand why my roommate didn't just tell her cousin that I'm just going through a hard time and that it's nothing personal. I feel really humiliated and invaded that so many people are involved now. I feel like I'm 14 again and my dad is saying, "I don't like your attitude. Change your face." I am a 22 year old person, and I feel like my roommate has NO RIGHT to tell me what emotions I can and cannot have in my own house. I'm a little freaked out now too. Isn't it illegal to evict someone because of mental illness? I can only imagine what my roommate told the landlord. My other two roommates have no problem with me: I help with the housework, am really quiet, and pay all my bills on time. The whole reason why I reached to my roommate was so I didn't feel like such a freak, and now I feel that way 10x what I did before.
Member # 37835
posted 07-18-2009 09:20 AM
I would honestly approach your landlord *before* the meeting, and brief them on the problems that you've been having with this roommate. Describe the situation, and maybe ask your other roommates to chime in too.
Honestly? I'd start looking for new housing. I know that's really stressful, but so is being around someone who is going to be so unsupportive.
Member # 33665
posted 07-18-2009 01:08 PM
fallchild, I'm sorry. That really is so petty and, well, stupid of your roommate. My mother, sister, and I have a similar problem that we can't really control our facial expressions. Often I'll be lost in thought and someone will walk up to me and ask why I'm giving them a dirty look (though I hadn't even noticed the person at all and was just thinking about an essay I need to write). Honestly, I think it has more to do with people projecting how they feel about themselves onto me and thinking I'm judging them the way they judge themselves. So basically, it's their own issues they need to work on, and not me who has to work on my facial expressions (besides, unless I get botox so I can't even move my face, that's unlikely to happen).
I also think part of it is about Western culture and how Westerners feel people should always appear very happy (including big smiles) or else they must be mean or angry people. Think about the service industry: servers tend to get tipped more if they show a big smile. Even if they are otherwise polite and friendly and give good service, without a smile they may get fewer tips. Anyway, just wanted to give a little "me too" on the fake emotion/facial expression thing. I hope things turn out okay. Good luck.
Member # 28780
posted 07-23-2009 11:19 PM
Well the roommate stuff is still ugly. Right now we're trying to get everyone together to have a talk about the unhealthy power balance that's been going on.
I'm having another problem though, and it's with my girlfriend. About a month and a half ago, when this depression/mania stuff started, I told her that I'm going to be really unstable to be around and that I don't mind if she wants to see other people. I just didn't want her to feel like she was stuck in a relationship with a person who is bright and affectionate and cheerful one day, and completely cold and sad and angry the next. She said she only wanted to be there for me. Well, tonight she got upset with me, saying that my mood swings are "confusing." I said, "I don't blame you. I know I'm confusing. And while I appreciate you wanting to be there for me, I'd also understand if you realized that this relationship is too unstable for you to be in." I guess I'm just frustrated because while she says she's understanding in theory, when it comes to practice she just gets upset with me for being down. She also keeps pushing me to tell me everything that's going on in my head, and I don't like that. I feel like I am entitled to have my own private thoughts and that I don't need to share every tiny thought and emotion with her. I understand that being intimate with someone is communicating and sharing, but I also don't think it's fair that she pushes me to share EVERYTHING. To sum up: is there something else I should be doing with my relationship set up that would be fairer for my girlfriend? Am I doing something wrong here?
Member # 20094
posted 07-24-2009 01:21 AM
fallchild, I'm so sorry your girlfriend isn't being terribly understanding. It can be great to have a supportive partner, but someone getting upset with you because you're depressed really isn't helpful, and you need to make that clear to her. Honestly, taking care of
you should be your first priority here, not making sure your girlfriend is okay. The fact that she wants to be there for you is good, the fact that she is not respecting what sort of support you need is not. If you haven't already, I would sit down with her and lay out exactly what you need - it is completely fair and understandable that you don't want to share everything, and she needs to understand and respect that. Unfortunately, depression and other mental illnesses are hard for a lot of people to understand, so another thing I would suggest is encouraging your girlfriend to do some reading on the topic, so that she has a better idea of what exactly is going on with you. The is a good starting point; they have a lot of resources listed. There are tons of books out there as well (unfortunately my brain's gone blank and I can't think of a single title to recommend) that you both might find helpful.
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Member # 28780
posted 07-24-2009 05:27 PM
Thanks for your reply, Karybu. I really appreciate it. I just feel like I keep messing up with her. Like, during the weird month-long period where I didn't sleep (that ended about two weeks ago), my brain was just going a million miles an hour and I was feeling really sexual. Well, my girlfriend and I had a pretty "active" sex life during all of that, but now that I've fallen back down into a depressed state our sex life has gone out of the window. See, it's stuff like that where I don't blame her for being frustrated and confused. She must think it's all her. Thing is though, it's not. NONE of it is about her, and no matter what I tell her I don't think she believes me.
And that feeling of not really being understood by anyone that is close to me is how I'm feeling with my roommates (as you can see by the story a little further up), my friends, and my parents. They all keep telling me "we're always here for you and we love you," but when I REALLY need them to understand, they just don't. My parents and friends just minimize everything and say, "Well, try not to focus on it too much." Or, "Everyone must be bipolar then." Or, "You have all these good things for you. Why are you throwing it all away by being sad?" Which makes me want to die. I've started seeing things too. The other night I was sitting on my front porch and for about two minutes I watched these beautiful yellow and white lights streak by right at my eye level. Last week I woke up from a nightmare and saw my walls covered with wide, blue eyes, all blinking at me. I just want it all to stop. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster where the track is going to end right while I'm zooming up into the sky, or in a car that's headed at 100 mph toward a brick wall. For the last couple of days, all I have been able to think about is death. I'm worried that people are going to come into my house and kill me, or that someone is going to kidnap me, or that someone will kill or kidnap my family and I'll never see them again. I just want to go to sleep forever.
Member # 37835
posted 07-24-2009 07:57 PM
If you're beginning to hallucinate, I want to strongly encourage you to seek out medical care ASAP. Sleep deprivation can definitely do that, but you should get in to see someone about it. You can always go to a hospital and check yourself in for a couple days to get some crisis counseling and get those hallucinations evaluated. I am sorry that your girlfriend is internalizing your problems. I just want to let you know that while mental illness can be very difficult on partners, but there's only so much you can do to help her understand. I was very fortunate, when I was suffering through some of the worst PTSD (due to rapes/abuse) that my partner worked really hard to understand that it wasn't about him. He never made me feel like it was my job to reassure him, and I appreciate that so much. I'm saying this to make sure you realize that it's your girlfriends responsibility to work on not internalizing this. Yes, it's good if you reassure her from time to time, but you shouldn't have to do it all the time, you know? Hang in there, and do look into getting some treatment soon.
Member # 28780
posted 07-31-2009 09:01 AM
I am at my wits' (and sanity's) end with my now ex-girlfriend. Last night we had a terrible fight. She told me that although she's been "understanding" of why I felt the need to end our relationship and that none of my depression/anxiety is about her, she pretty much took all of it back and told me it's all because I don't give a s*** about her. She even threatened to kill herself over it.
I kinda lost it when she said that. I told her that she was being manipulative by saying that. She told me that she expects me to be able to pull her out of every suicidal crisis she has singlehandedly. I told her that it wasn't fair of her to expect me to be her only lifeline, especially with all the stuff I'm going through, and that she should rely on a therapist/hotline/whatever when she's feeling suicidal. Basically she took everything that we had talked about and that I thought we had a good understanding about, stomped on it, and then made it all a million times worse by saying I've never cared about her and that she's going to kill herself. I can't take this anymore. I'm done. So I told her that I didn't want her to contact me for a few days because I haven't been treated in such an emotionally abusive and manipulative way since I was dating the heroin addict guy. In fact, the way she is holding me responsible to fix every suicidal crisis she has is a lot like how the addict guy refused to talk to anyone about his stuff but me. Was it wrong of me to react to her this way? Deep down though I think I was thinking pretty logically. Psychiatric evaluation is on Wednesday, and I'm just trying to make it until then.
Member # 3
posted 07-31-2009 01:43 PM
I think your response to that was really reasonable. I also think, to be honest, it's been sounding to me like what you really need is time and space to work on YOURSELF, be with yourself, care for yourself, for a while. Not someone else. In other words, after the last guy, I think what would have been ideal -- and still would -- was for you NOT to be in another intimate relationship for a while.
When we're suffering and troubled, I do think it's pretty common that we find commonality with others in those same places. But what that can result in are relationships between TWO people that really, ideally, need to be helping themselves, not others. And I think sometimes we may even do that to avoid helping ourselves: not purposefully, but unconsciously. If you two talk about this again, I'd suggest saying something like, "We BOTH need to be better at taking care of ourselves and helping ourselves right now. You need help, obviously, and I do too, but we're not the best people to give one another that help right now because we are both in crisis. And THAT is what I need to do right now, help myself, and until I really have the time and space to do that, everyone should know they just can't expect me to be able to help them."
Member # 28780
posted 07-31-2009 06:56 PM
I agree with you wholeheartedly, Heather. And last night I actually said a lot of things to the effect of, "Both of us need help, and since we both need help we can't rely on each other to fix every problem the other has." The thing is though, I've never put that responsibility on her. I've told that the statement, "I'm here if you want to talk" is all I could even expect from her, and that's as far as I'd want it to go.
I broke off the relationship because I really need to take time for myself for once (in years). I have a lot of baggage from my past relationships, baggage from my childhood, and all these mental health issues I have going on. I can't take care of someone else right now, especially someone who's going through a lot of the same things that I am. The frustrating thing is that I've TOLD her ALL of this, multiple times. I'm tired of reassuring her though. I feel like if she really cares about me she'll give me the space I need to start making some progress for myself. We are broken up completely for the time being, and honestly I see it staying that way for a long time. I need to get my life back together and so does she. We're just pulling each other down if we stay together.