T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 30995
posted 12-16-2006 11:12 PM
I used to identify myself as bisexual, split pretty much cleanly down the middle. It was something that was always there. Just seemed like i was in the locker room one day, and happened to glance at my friend and thought "Damn, I'd hit it."
And I was ashamed. Not ashamed to have these feelings for another female, but ashamed for having objectified her, however momentarily, within my own mind. And since then, I've tried to be the respectful sort that's so severely lacking in the world today. Sure, it took a few weeks for me to digest these feelings which had suddenly been realized. But having grown up with the benefit of having never heard my parents utter any sort of slur against anyone's race, religion, or sexual preference; I had a much easier time with it than most. But knowing the cruelty of classmates, I didn't exactly take out an ad in the paper. Three years ago I was living with my girlfriend. I had worked overnight, and was sipping a cup of coffee to keep me awake long enough to drive Suzy to class. It was finals week, and she had been studying her toosh off. She had one more semester to go. She called to me from the bedroom. She couldn't get up. I literally had to carry her into the bathroom and... assist her. Then I had to dress her. Then she insisted that I carry her to the car. And then, literally, carry her into her classroom for her test. She was feeling better by that afternoon, but I knew something serious was wrong. I could smell it, somehow. A few days later I took her to the ER. She died of Acute Myeloid Leukemia on January 4th at 3:17 AM. I cannot express how devastated I was. There simply are not words for it. It was like the loss of a limb and I am still hurting from it. She was the ONE; and I say that as a person who didn't believe in that soulmate stuff until i met HER. It was as if a benevolent god had taken that vauge concept of perfect from my mind and made her especially for me... and was also kind enough to see to it that I was somehow good enough for her. She was adorable, intelligent, witty, sarcastic. Compassionate to animals. She loved vintage horror movies. For halloween she would make shruken heads out of our hair clippings and dried apples. ...perfect. And now she's been gone for almost three years. It still hurts, but I'm doing okay. I've had a long term - and distinctly dissatisfying - relationship with a man since then, but I've come to realize something. Another actualization, if you will. I haven't really moved on at all. I didn't enter into my most recent relationship with even the assumption that it would be "forever"... although it always seems like one is *SUPPOSED* to assume it'll be forever until something happens to end it. Also, my attraction to women has all but vanished. I haven't been with a woman since Suzy passed - I haven't met a woman who even mildly intrested me since. So I guess my question is, how the hell do I move on? Will it ever get any easier? I don't know. I just needed to talk about it in a neutral setting, I suppose.
Member # 3
posted 12-17-2006 01:16 AM
The first big love of my life died on me, too. I just got home from a date with my current partner -- and had no intent of doing anything other than checking the boards to be sure all was right with the world - but you know, I see a post like this and I can't let it sit, because it is SUCH a huge deal, so isolating, so hard and any time I see anyone else who had to go through it all of me just caves in sympathy. Does it get better? Yep. Of course, I say this more than 20 years and a lot of processing later - which likely sounds less than optimistic, but seriously, you can't believe how fast time passes over the years - but all the same, yes, yes, a resounding yes, it gets better. A LOT better. Exactly 20 years ago today, I was literally convinced I could channel the spirit of the person I loved who died on me from inside an inner-city dumpster. Suffice it to say, I'm nothing close to in that space at the moment. And at the time, I also fully subscribed to the soulmate stuff and was right there with you. Since that time, I've adjusted my thinking, based on my life experience, to realize that a lot of people are important to who we are and how we love, and comparing any one to the other is difficult, at best. And needless. I know that for a long time, other people I was with said it was like being with a widow, and of course, in a way, that was exactly who they were with: when you love someone big, and they die, you're a widow. One thing I'd suggest that I wish someone had pointed me to then was to connect with anyone else you can who has been in a same or similar space. If you're in Savannah, per same-sex specifically, unfortunately, that won't be so easy, but if you're up to poking around for rescources, I'd be happy to help you look. It's also really normal to disconnect for a long time after something like this, and to want to be with people as different from your partner as possible: I wish someone had told me that, too. So, right now is probably a good time not to worry about figuring out orientation and sexual indentity, if that's something you're feeling conflicted about: it's likely better to just connect to others you feel you can connect to, without any worry about how or who per any sort of cirteria. I'll be back around tomorrow afternoon if you need/want some more support, or are intesrted in poking round to see if we can find any local resources for you. But in the meanwhile, it DOES get better. It just can often take a long time. I know that doesn't sound like the most hopeful thing ever, but in my experience as well as what I've gleaned from the experiences of others, that's the reality, and sometimes realistic assessments are helpful.
Member # 30995
posted 12-17-2006 11:14 AM
I've tried to get some support locally; but it's difficult. It seems like everywhere I turn my feelings are dismissed.
My mother was of the opinion that my being "bi" was pure shock-tactics, even after seeing the depth of my relationship with Suzy. After she died, I had to move back into mom's house for about a month. She told me that I was using my lover's death as an "excuse to be lazy." Nevermind that I was somehow back on my feet and independant by the middle of Feb. My boss at the job tried to guilt trip into working on the SAME DAY that Suzy died - and he told me that he's not intrested in my personal "drama." Sufficied to say, I told him to shove it. One of my good friends at the time had the aucacity to tell me that it's BETTER she's dead, as opposed to alive but unobtainable, as was his "Love." I even turned to faith; only to have it insinuated that her death was punishment for my evil, homosexual ways. There is virtually no lesbian community in Savannah; and yet those lesbians I DO meet act like I am untouchable because I am Bisexual. They behave as though my ability to be equally attracted to a man lessens the feelings I have for a woman. They act like I'm just a horn-dog who's indifferent to her partners... like I'll do anyone or anything to get laid. It's been difficult to open up to these people as I am typically someone who can and does successfully deal with my own issues privately. And then to be treated like THIS... I'm reminded of why I stopped confiding in the people around me. It really is a pity that I - and so many young people on this site - have to reach into cold, anonymous cyberspace for the help that we need. You're wonderful for being here for us, Heather. You and your wonderful staff... thank you.
Member # 3
posted 12-17-2006 11:30 AM
Oh, of course. Of course, of course.
But I agree: having NO in-person support just isn't a good thing. (And I hear you with the responses: my partner at the time wasn't even same sex, and I got similar treatment, including, literally an "I told you so," from one parent. There's just no dulling that sort of harshness and that sort of insensitivity.) I have a headshot client shortly this morning, but let me toodle around a bit later to see what I can find for you. Couple quick questions for when I come back that might help me do my best for you in that respect: 1) Is a move out of the question? Even not so far away, like to Atlanta? Atlanta has GLBT support en MASSE, and I spent a little time there some years ago and was pretty impressed with the queer community there, which struck me as pretty bi-embracing. 2) How mobile are you, in terms of even getting to places like Decatur or Marietta? Hang in there. Can't say we can make this all better, obviously, it's a long, hard process no matter what, but I bet we can find SOME supports for you to make it less painful and less isolating.
Member # 30995
posted 12-17-2006 06:14 PM
I'm not moving to atlanta. The benefits of GLBT support (of which i am still skeptical) hardly outweigh considerations like crime rate, cost of living, job availability, etc. Again, I'm not someone who typically has a need of support... I'm delighted to GIVE support, but I benefit little from recieving.
While I am entertaining the idea of a local move at the moment... I'm ahead of the game in my home environment. I have a job that I enjoy and I live comfortably - I don't want to start all over. I'm pretty mobile, though, my car is pretty well maintained. The fact that i only have every other weekend off that is prohibative, though.
Member # 3
posted 12-19-2006 09:39 PM
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.
And okay: a move is out. So. One thing you noted was that you felt like a church might be the right place for you...but clearly picked one that wasn't GLBT friendly. However, there are some in Savannah I've found which are: Asbury Memorial United Methodist Church 1008 East Henry Street Phone: (912) 233-4351 St. Luke's Lutheran Church 2716 Mechanics Avenue, Thunderbolt Phone: (912) 354-6815 Unitarian Universalist Fellowship Habersham @ Harris Streets Phone: (912) 234-0989 Unity Church of Savannah 2320 Sunset Blvd. Phone: (912) 355-4704 There's that. Here's also the PFLAG chapter in macon: http://www.pflagmacon.org/ Here's also the First City Network in Savannah: 912-236-CITY I'd also try giving this Atlanta org a call to see if they know of more resources for you in your area, particularly any grief support/groups: BiNature Bisexual Discussion & Support Group First Existentialist Congregation: 404-256-8992
Member # 31900
posted 12-19-2006 10:50 PM
though not quite as comforting as the advice heather has givin, i noticed that you said you like giving support but feel you benifit little from getting any, have you concidered volenteering in some pro (insert cause here) or raising awarness about Acute Myeloid Leukemia, i know it seems dumb but perhaps its what you need to move onward and upward.
Member # 30995
posted 12-20-2006 10:03 AM
You're awesome, Heather, and I appreciate the effort. I'll make a few phone calls this afternoon.
Givega - every January 4th I donate $200 to The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, Georgia Chapter. I also participate in the Light the Night fundraisers. At tax time, I give my local humane society a $100-200 donatation. Suzy used to do it every year... and if she couldn't afford it, she'd volunteer her time. It's where she wanted her "rememberances" (is that the right word?) to go.
Member # 30995
posted 01-04-2007 09:09 AM
It has been 3 years to the day. 3 years, 6 hours, and 41 minutes as of this moment.
"And the might throne growled; and there were five thunders that flew into the east. And the eagle spake and cried aloud 'come away from the house of death!' And there they gathered themselves, and became those of whom It measured; the deathless ones that ride the whirlwinds. "Come away! For I have prepared a place for you. Move, therefore! and show yourselves! Unveil the mysteries of your creation; for I am your True God, the worshipper of the flesh that liveth forever."
Member # 3
posted 01-04-2007 11:30 AM
I hate those anniversaries: they're never easy, to say the very least.
Sending a hug your way, Menthol.
Member # 30995
posted 01-04-2007 09:44 PM
I'm doing alright. I made my donation earlier. Lit a candle for her. Had some orange rolls in memory of the one who introduced me to the wonderful world of sushi. orange rolls... were her favorite.
I'm doing better than I thought i would be. I'm doing a little less crying and a little more smiling today than i did last year... remembering the good times we had. I remember she bought two spaghetti strap tank-tops with the built in bras... identical, besides our sizes. She gave me mine and told me that "Tomorrow is boob day!" She was so cute. The world is a less glorious place without her. but the time we had together is a greater, more powerful force than my pain. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.