T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 27652
posted 05-07-2006 08:47 PM
When i was a little kid my friend and I used to look for golf balls.
The best place to look for them however, was the private golf course- but the risk went with the reward. best golf balls, but if you were caught, they called your parents and sent you to the police station to get picked up fro trespassing. So we would always go at dusk when everyone was gone. One time, when i was around 9 or ten, a guy (early 20's) who worked there caught us. But instead of yelling and such as i described above, he followed us. As it got darker and darker- he kept offering me a ride on his golf cart- and saying, come on, come with me into the woods over there- thats where the best golf balls are (and mind you its freaking pitch black by now- so its sure as hell we wern't going to find balls) Come with me. And my friend who was younger than me, couldnt come so he says. so thats all i used to remember. Its gets fuzzy, and when i try to think about it any further- its like my memory goes "no. im not recalling that" but just lately- I've started having sex. Im having some real problems with it. Sometimes i'll feel violently scared and nauseous while doing it. and recently- ive started to remember getting in the golf cart with the guy... i cant figure out what going on. if im making it up in my head, or having some kind of repressed memory or what...
Member # 28071
posted 05-08-2006 04:18 AM
From what I can see here, your best bet is probably going to be going to see a counselor/therapist about this. If you're blacking things out...and having physical reactions to sex...it is your bodys way of telling you that you've been through trauma that it hasn't dealt with yet. I know that thre are some out there that specialize in sex counceling...could you possibly look into this?
I also dealt with some sexual assault when I was little...I was 11 at the time. I'm just now dealing with some of the repercussions of that...so I know this can be hard. Having sex when you're reacting the way you are isn't going to help you, you need to deal with what has happened to you before sex will be at all pleasurable or healthy. I'm so sorry you had to go through whatever happened...and good luck getting everything sorted out.
Member # 3
posted 05-08-2006 11:13 AM
There really isn't such a thing as a repressed memory -- one we never actually had -- that can be unearthed. That was a theory for a while, but one which has since been shown to have a lot of holes in it.
Memory works a bit like writing something down on a page: either we write it down or we don't. We may have forgotten that we wrote it down, but if we lose the page we wrote it on, it's just lost. We can't usually find it again. Obviously, esp. with childhood memories, as we get older, we can just plain forget things: but in those cases, unless we know someone we can ask about what happened, we're usually left with what we're left with. A LOT of families, in fact, were ripped apart by RMT -- a trend therapy designed to try and "reclaim" memories of those who suspected sexual abuse, or whose therapists suggested it as a possibility, which essentially was instead, creating them -- because that's just not how memory works. Sometimes, however, when someone is seriously traumatized, our minds shut down and we don't remember what happened in the first place: we don't write it to our memories, as a sort of psychic protection/survival mechanism. When that's the case, there's really no finding it again, because it was never written down in the first place, if that makes sense. Usually, that sort of lack of remembering most often happens with trauma with very small children, but it CAN happen with those older sometimes. However, while the actual trauma in those cases won't be recalled, some supporting things around it often can be. For instance, let's say a woman is on a jog in a city park and is violently mugged and assaulted. Let's say that her mind shut down, did NOT "write down" or create a memory of, the actual assault itself. She still, however, will recall going to the park, putting on her shoes, what route she took. She'll still remember coming to, the bruises or injuries she got from that, soreness for days, knowing something terrible had happened to her right after, who found or helped her, etc. There are a lot of possibilities here with your issue. This guy in the cart may have scared you by having sexual energy around you as a child: he may have been trying to come on to you. he may simply even have just been an adult you didn't know, were nervous about, who scared you, in a situation that was already scary, per the dark, etc. Or, you may HAVE been sexually assaulted and were so traumatized you did never remember it in the first place. At that age, did you have any persistent genital infections? Any bleeding or soreness you can recall? Any body issues that happened right around that time? Were you uncomfortable ever going back to the golf course? Any persistent nightmares? Thiungs like that would be indicators that something happened you can't remamber. A total lack of things like that would be indicators that it's possible nothing happened in an abuse regard. Per the sex you're having now, what context is this in? A trusting relationship, where you feel cared for, and able to have sex at your own pace, a pace that feels right for you? [ 05-08-2006, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]
Member # 27652
posted 05-08-2006 05:35 PM
I can't remember anything genital wise, but yes, i never did return to that golf course again.
Nightmare wise, i never had any nightmares about that exact scenario. Instead I've always had nightmare about the place, or weird sexual situations. To this day, I have never had a "normal" sex dream. They always involve rape, or someone making me do something disgusting I don't want to do. As to my current situation and boyfriend, we were dating for two years before we had sex, It was very comfortable, and he never pressured me. I do trust him, and above all else, he is my best friend.
Member # 3
posted 05-08-2006 05:55 PM
Sounds like, then, it might be worth talking to a therapist about, so someone who can really talk to you in-depth can assess the situation.