T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 4508
posted 11-16-2001 02:38 PM
do you ever just feel youre going mad. i feel like this a lot....I dont know WHAT my problem is, i feel stupid telling epople about the way i feel...i'll tell my boyfriend but i dont really bother telling other people anymore....becuase its unclear really WHAY i feel so **** sumtimes. you could say i have a perfectly good life. im not hard done by or anything, but....i really really do not get on with my mother, i have developed a really bad temper from her which can come out quite easily sumtimes, and my brotheres and dad,well....we're not all really close or anything....my best friend has known me since i was little. we were talkeing for ages one night, she was saying as she does a lot how much she loved her childhood....for some reason...i cant stand to think of mine! she reminded me of sum things i had completely forgoten- all the times i used to complain about my mum, when shes been at my house and my mum was yelling at me and i his behind the sofa and she'd hit me-this was when i was about 6....but sehd hit all of us....parents do dont they? but i cant believ i had forgotten about it. i was apparently REALLY upset at the time but i had no memory whatsoever. how can u block things out like that? i used to be quite bossy when i was a kid too, with my brotheres in stuff. i feel so bad about that and it prevents me from getting close to them....i dont want to! i used tostab pencils into my arms when id had a really bad fall out with my best friend, still when i was about 10, just becuase id get soooooo jealous of things, like her being more friends with someone else....im ashamed to say it but i still do get jealous! i get depressed rather than angry...or mabey a mixture. i feel like im mad because i get so depressed jsut thinking about splitting up with myboyfriend as i love him so much...and i hate to thinkof him with someone else....i couldnt handle knowing him and knowing he was with someone else, doing the stuff we do, even if i was with someone else. i dont know. or say if i introduce one of my friends to another friend and they become relaly close, i'll get really jealous!
when things dont work out, or i have a really big row with my parents, i HAVE to cut myself, but only if its reallybad. i use a penknife....but...i dont do it really really deeep...they're oetty compared to some people, but i dont plan it out or anything, its impulsive....it soothes me...most of the time i just dig my nails into my arm adn scratch as hard as i can becuase it just makes me focus on something esel rather than my emotional pain....i get so depressed at 'that time of the month' imparticular....i feel so pathetic saying all this. just one big moan really isnt it? the worst thign of this attitude is though, is that i take it all out on myboyfriend... i mena i dont say bad stuff to him- i just tell him everything, but i think he hears it too often and it'll drive him away, tehn i get all insecure and say, well mabey we should just break up becuase you cn do so much better than me and look- i just hurt you saying this....then i apologise and we spend ages sorting it all out again, but it all boils down to one thing....i dont want to lose him adn id rather be the one that gets it over and done with then get mroe and more serious and him dump me....were a really close couple but.....im just sad. please someone help! is this just all normal or what? i know you guys are all in very similiar positions so i really appreciate you reading this....i really want to know about this jealousy thing though....that is teh worst thing about me and i hate it moer than anything but i see red when i get reallyjealous and can really get mad.....its not healthy..WHY am i like this and how can i stop it?! thankyou x
*would you love me any less if i hurt you anymore?*
Member # 384
posted 11-18-2001 12:22 AM
Whoa, hon...deep breath. First of all, paragraphs are a good thing, okay? It's fine to write long letters, but breaking it up into sections makes it easier to read and to answer. Now, on to your letter...
It sounds to me (and mind you, I am not a mental health professional) like you've got a lot of emotional pain your dealing with. Self injury (SI, cutting) is NOT normal or healthy. There are better ways to deal with emotional pain.
Sometimes it takes professional help to deal with stuff, though. Is there an adult you trust and can talk to? I don't know how it works in England, but in the States schools usually have a person called a "guidance counselor" (or sometimes just "counselor") who helps students with career choices and may also help them with family and emotional issues, either by counseling them directly or by helping them to get appropriate help. Sometimes a school nurse can also serve this role. Does your school have anybody like that? If so, I really think you should talk to them.
You also indicate that you feel like you're dumping on your boyfriend. A lot of us here find journaling to be a good tool to deal with our feelings. Writing provides an outlet for your emotions, and in writing stuff down you have a permanant record, so you can go back and re-read what you've written. You could even offer to share your journal with your boyfriend, if you want and if he is interested, but if you do so be sure to be accepting if he declines to read it.
On the jealousy issue, remember that life is not a contest. I've been jealous plenty of times in my life, but I try to get over it by remembering how lucky I am and thinking of all the good things in my life. Helping somebody else is a good way to deal with such feelings. Volunteer in a soup kitchen, visit a lonely old person, babysit for a person who can't afford to pay very much. Or think up something else. Doing something for somebody else usually takes my mind off my own troubles and makes me feel good, besides.
Member # 4508
posted 11-19-2001 11:47 AM
thankyou for replying!
Its wierd in england....we dont have any of those things at my college. we have someone who can help us out with school problems etc but not other stuff really,...one of my friends who i dont really know anymore was really depressed and i know he got counselling of teh NHS-national health service...so it was free. otherwise it costs a bomb!
I think what you said about trying to dom something for other people is a raelly good idea. that would make me feel loads better. id like to think up something like that.
I talked a bit about stuff with my boyfriend last nite...he was cool, hes a very good boyfriend, i know im lucky. But i find it hard to understabnd what to do when he says- you just need to change yourself.you can if you want to...when i just dont think that can be the right thing to really say...if it was that smiple and all that....
but what youve said was great! thankyou! x
Member # 5773
posted 11-19-2001 12:00 PM
I'm just hoping to give you some assurance in saying that I've felt all of the things you have, even the nail digging in the arms and flipping out over the smallest thing.
After talking though, and even sitting and writing in a journal everything I feel seems to help. Although I also have a few medical problems, like hereditary S.A.D. and an anxiety disorder (which is the reason I'm on medication), I managed to overcome this with time and telling myself to look at the positives. And I think it was a darn brave thing to come out and pour your heart out to these awesome advocates. May the sun shine! *orbitz
Member # 384
posted 11-20-2001 11:09 PM
I'm glad you're feeling better. It sounds like have a really supportive boyfriend, too, and that's great.
In a way, he's right. Sometimes you can make a conscious choice to think differently. For example, a few years ago when I was having some really rough times I made a deal with myself that when I started getting depressed I would get out and take a long bike ride instead of staying home and wallowing in my misery, so to speak. It worked, and I always came home feeling a lot better. It's easier for some folks (and in some situations) than others, though. And it's easy to slip back into old habits. Still, something like that might work for you. It might not even be exercise (although exercise is good because it gets those endorphins going), but maybe something like writing or listening to happy music.
Member # 6207
posted 12-11-2001 03:52 PM
Ive said it b4 and il say it again: PUNCH BAG, PUNCH BAG, PUNCH BAG!!!!!
I often feel like im going mad and beating it to a pulp exausts me into feeling relieved. As i live in the uk too i no how few and far between the help sources are. But thats my wee bit of advice
p.s Its ssooooooooo worth investing in its got me through 3 deaths,2 break ups and numerous arguments!