T O P I C R E V I E W
TheneB
Member # 1643
posted 10-15-2000 08:39 PM
Well to keep a rather long story short, i moved back to canada after some time in NC where i met my GF whom i love with all my heart. We've been doing the long distance thing for a year now, and only 9 months before i move down there with her. Anyhow, after my visit ( and a bit before ) this summer she cheated on me. Not just a one night, like a full relationship with this guy. Talked to him a LOT when i was down there, got mad that i suggested she liked him, etc. . . Well if all that wasn't bad enough ( and it was BAD ) he hit her. And she had all the normal excuses; " hes only done it once our twice, " " hes normally not like that " " i deserved it " I swear those are all DIRECT quotes. My position in this is HORRIBLE. telling her not to see him ( they are best friends ) makes me seem jealous, but its really in her interest. Ive told her i wont tell her to stop seeing this person ( as friends ) but i worry a LOT about her. If he hit her when they were together, why wouldn't he when shes cut almost everything off with him? If i so much as bring it up she often gets mad at me, and she wont talk to anybody else about this. I dont want to leave this alone, but i dont want her to leave me because she thinks i cant forgive her for this ( i do, i made mistakes too, didn't cheat tho ) But i KNOW shes going to get hurt again. Infact i think she did last friday, but she wont tell me.
pink
Member # 1071
posted 10-15-2000 09:00 PM
if u see visible evidence on her, such as cut, scars buises, its time to get someone else involved. she may be mad at u, but being mad is better than being dead. ------------------ u arent worthless if you can make someone laugh ****************** there is a difference between being stupid and being ditzy. i ought to know
TheneB
Member # 1643
posted 10-15-2000 09:25 PM
But thats the problem. Im about 2000km away from her. She complains about pains on the phone sometimes ( chest, and sometimes wont really mention where she hurts, and if i pester it becomes her earing at the top of her ear that used to hurt her a lot ) But i really can't see her. She comes here december 16th, and i wont have seen her since aug 13th. SO there is no way i can see if shes hurt, and shes told me she wouldnt' tell me if she were hurt because i talked with her about it a lot when she first told me. Should i tell her not to see this person? Ask her to choose? I want to, but from a BF perspective its not a problem that she does, i trust her. But if i tell her to choose it'll just make me out as a jealous BF who doesn't trust her, and not as someone who cares and is worried about her.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-15-2000 09:31 PM
You know, sugar, you're in a tough spot.The big problem here is that it sounds to me like she's bound and determined to take the course she's taking. When people we care about become self-destructive, we have to choose if we're going to stay or go, and it's really about what you can handle. Whatever you choose is okay, really.
Were it me, I would tell her that I couldn't care about someone if it meant I had to allow them to destroy themselves, and it isn't fair to ask that of you at all. That's taking advantage of you are your care for her. I'd mention that dishonesty doesn't make for a good realtionship, and insist on honesty. If she can't handle that it's HER whjo can't handle this relationship, not you.
TheneB
Member # 1643
posted 10-15-2000 10:07 PM
My staying isn't a problem. Id stand behind her no matter what she had to do, but even with me there for her, it doesn't help me worrying about her, and not really being able to do anything to stop it. I dont know. Hopefully she'll talk to me at xmas, and she'll understand that my feeligs about it aren't selfish.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-15-2000 10:18 PM
Hey, yo. I hope you wouldn't stand behind her while she felt she had to get herself pummelled to a pulp daily.That isn't healthy for either of you, and that certainly isn't a good way to care for someone.
TheneB
Member # 1643
posted 10-15-2000 10:39 PM
Sorry i didn't mean id stand BEHIND her. Id be there for her no matter what. And if that were happening id do SOMETHING about it.
skatergirl
Member # 1654
posted 10-16-2000 08:11 PM
What your GF did was bad, but you shouldn't ask her not to talk to this guy anymore. This has happened to me before, and when I did, things when in the opposite direction I wanted to go in. It just made things worse. Plus loosing a best friend is never a good thing.
TheneB
Member # 1643
posted 10-16-2000 08:37 PM
Oh no. I wouldn't nor was i planning on asking her to stop seeing him. ONLY if she still get hurts and i find out about it. But even then it wont be an ultimatum, just asking as a friend concerned about her.