T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33280
posted 04-14-2008 06:57 PM
I will be 19 in 2 months. I have recently just started seeing someone who will be my first boyfriend, if it works out. For awhile he kept talking about all of the things he wanted to do with me, sex-wise, and since my mind is no where near that level yet, it made me feel really overwhelmed. In the end I had to just tell him he would be my first (for everything) because I felt like he was expecting me to be super experienced and Im not. He was really supportive and said all the right things, that he felt really special and lucky to be my first (not just for sex, IF it happens--eventually), and that he will be very patient with me. But he also told me that he is even more "curious" to have sex with me ever since I told him I was a virgin. I asked him why and he said "it is like a sexual lure." What does this mean? I know a lot of guys like virgins but why are they so turned on by them?
Member # 29292
posted 04-14-2008 07:26 PM
It's worth remembering that not all guys are necessarily turned on by virgins. If you want to know the reason why your partner is turned on by virgins, if you want to know what he meant by ''sexual lure'' then the best thing would be to ask him directly.
Thing is, the reason why can differ so much from one person to the next so while for some it might comes from the fact that the guys can teach the girl since they're going to be her first sexual partner, for others it might be an entirely different reason. So best thing, really ? Ask your partner about it.
Member # 33280
posted 04-29-2008 12:47 PM
Thanks, I asked him and he just said "im not sure, its just more tempting than if you werent." and he couldnt really say much more than that. I asked him if I would be his first virgin and he said no, that his first was her first. I said "aw, cute, haha" and he just said "hahaha nahhh." so it couldnt have been that good! lol so i wonder why he is so interested in a virgin the second time around. oh well i suppose ill find out in time.
Member # 41657
posted 12-24-2008 12:03 PM
I think a lot of men think that women will judge them sexually in the way that a lot of men judge women aesthetically (ruthlessly, that is), so they want someone who won't be able to compare them to someone else (not realizing that good communication leads to good sex, as opposed to being born with a very special penis), plus some guys don't want to try to do anything that will pleasure women unless as an incidental side effect of their own pleasure in sex, so they really don't want a women who may know she can have someone more attentive and interested in her, finally some guys, seeing women as property to whatever extent, don't like the idea of their goods being preowned. It may also have to do with some religious beliefs, but... well I'm an atheist, so I don't really see why they would be a justification for wanting your partner to have not had a sex life before you. Also, what is meant by virgin, as that (as scarleteen's article so eloquently demonstrates) is a word that means many different things to different individuals, and is really just another woman oppressing construct.
Member # 41507
posted 03-29-2009 08:36 PM
I agree with Jill's assessment mostly.
I recently read "Virginity Lost" by Laura M. Carpenter. She found that the various ways people described their understanding of virginity could be put into 3 categories: 1. Gift: Virginity is a special piece you give to the one you love to strengthen your bond. Mostly valued by women. 2. Stigma: Being is virgin is horrible, you must lose your virginity as quickly as possible. Mostly valued by men. 3. Process: Losing your virginity is just part of growing up, and learning about sex. Mostly valued by people who aren't virgins! Traditionally, society encouraged the gift metaphor, especially for women. A woman's virginity is often considered a special thing that she must keep and cherish until she meets her special man. Though this becomes a serious problem is the man doesn't return the gift. Meanwhile men often have to prove their masculinity by having sex and losing their virginity. Many stigmatized virgins feel they have to hide it, even from the person they're going to have sex with! There is also a smaller fourth group: People who maintain their chastity to honor god. By the sounds of it, your boy friend has not seriously thought about it, however he has gotten the impression that female virginity is something special, and therefore (somehow) sexy. He may have had a disappointing virginity loss experience, but they doesn't necessarily change his expectations for you. In fact, since you're a virgin he might see this as a second chance at losing virginity. Regardless of how he sees his own past virginity, he could still be looking forward to "receiving" your virginity as a gift. Though again, it sounds like he hasn't thought real hard about it, he just was told by greater society that "a woman's virginity is special". Personally, I am a male virgin and would like to lose my virginity to someone that I love, which makes me more the exception. If she were also a virgin that would make it more special.
Member # 41657
posted 04-01-2009 06:38 PM
Why would sex be more special if your partner had never had sex, being loved is great, but being loved by somebody who has loved someone else physically and emotionally before you is no less great, and there is a difference between wanting sex to be something that is based on liking someone and caring about them and having it be enjoyable for all concerned and viewing intimacy as a gift that is given once and then lost forever, which seems to be the assumption being operated on with claims that virginity is special, that both our bodies and our brains are tainted by each pleasure and love we experience. Why should somebody have to keep and cherish the condition of not having engaged in sexual activity until they meet somebody they are in love with, instead of basing their decision as to whether to engage in sexual activity or not on what they actually would like to do? The belief that womens virginity is a special gift as opposed to a construction is harmful to women because it denies them an autonomous sexuality, insisting that they be in love in order for it to be acceptable for them to have sex with an enthusiastically consenting partner and giving them all sorts of worries about whether it is OK for them to masturbate or use tampons, or, in the past, ride a bike or a horse in a manner that is actually comfortable and safe. The notion that men's virginity is a gift is harmful to men for similar reasons. I'm not asking or telling you to have sex that you don't want to have, but I do question the idea that not having had sexual experience is special, as opposed to just the condition of not having had sex. I also think that the way that losing virginity is talked about is about emphasising the notion of a first time as the most important thing in the world, there'll be fireworks, the earth will move, you'll merge into one, etc. but doesn't really explore what a long term sexual activity incorporating relationship might be like, how you'll still be learning about what you like throughout life, I think the notion is basically that it's all downhill after that first sexual experience, as you use up your specialness and your ability to be excited. Not surprisingly, there is a correlation between that view of sex and the belief that motherhood is to be expected of women, with sex being a means to inpregnation and probably not had when there are children to look after as opposed to solo and partnered sex having the ability to enrich life throughout it's duration. Sorry this has gone off on a Mt. Everest of a tangent, but this thread has really got me thinking.
Member # 34384
posted 04-18-2009 11:59 AM
In my virgin days, I was definitely more attracted to a girl if I knew she was inexperienced. This wasn't because of any patriarchal or sexist whatever, but actually because I thought that virgin MEN were inherently undesirable in the eyes of most women, except to those who tended to be less experienced anyway. I thought that virgins or near-virgins were the only women with whom I had any chance of becoming intimate. So yeah, my ears did prick up when I heard that a girl who I liked was not so experienced with guys. That meant that I might actually have a chance at getting to date her.
I'm not saying this is correct. Just my point of view back then. Now I don't care at all.
Member # 42971
posted 06-18-2009 08:17 PM
when I asked my bf he said it was because he got a chance to teach me. I think its something from back in the cave man days, when men were always dominant, that is attractive to some guys. It gives him the chance to be "on top", its instinct.
Member # 29292
posted 06-18-2009 10:09 PM
I think it's sick when somebody wants to teach someone else who is ''less experienced'' about sex. I think it's just really a matter of wanting to be in control in most cases.
The only thing you can teach to someone else about sex in my point of view is your likes and dislikes and everybody can do that, not just those who've had a bunch of sex relationships, that doesn't necessarily make them any better at that IMO. [ 06-18-2009, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]
Member # 41699
posted 06-18-2009 10:52 PM
I agree with cool87, the want to "teach" someone about sex seems to be more about control and maybe insecurities.
I think maybe it's also based on an assumption that if you're inexperienced in the realm of partnered sex, you're "innocent" and unaware of your wants and what feels good for you. And the idea of finding that "for" you or with you boosts one's ego, perhaps, and/or sense of control. Or maybe if you're unaware of what makes you get off and he's totally aware of how he does, he thinks you will thus focus more on getting him off. This is not specific about your boyfriend, by the way, and all just thoughts about what might be the reason for some people.
Member # 42986
posted 06-20-2009 06:58 AM
As a guy I don't really know why a lot of us
prefer virgins. But like stated earlier I guess to "teach" and the fact that they cant compare to any body is probably the most likely aspect. It also gives you a special feeling that you've gone some place no man has gone before. But for me I don't like taking the virginity, I lost mine to another virgin. And you always remember your first, and plus it always makes a mess. It doesn't really matter to me if my girlfriend is a virgin or not anymore. I think its just a phase you go through.
Member # 3
posted 06-20-2009 11:30 AM
quote: I think its something from back in the cave man days, when men were always dominant, that is attractive to some guys. This is a little OT, but just for the record, we actually don't have reason to believe that way back in those days we had the same kind of social structure we have now. In fact, there are a lot of sound anthropological theorists who surmise that back in the day then, we had matriarchal or more egalitarian, not patriarchal, structures.
It's been well-supported, for instance, that women in Neanderthal times were a good deal stronger and more resilient than today: they had to be to deal with the climate and the way of living that time required. In other words, the idea that men always dominated or were the club-over-the-head guys (and women the damsels) film and popular culture presents is probably a false idea.
Member # 29269
posted 06-20-2009 09:01 PM
I think on some level there is a failure in the male conscience generally to be able to handle the existence of female sexuality in contexts not involving men - not to say that all men think like that, because they don't. But what I'd propose is that I think an awful lot of men expect or assume that if a woman is a virgin before she first has sex (of whatever kind) with that man, then any orgasm she experiences during that sexual encounter would be her first.
Now sure, I would imagine that being around for a person's first orgasm is special (although, segue, I have to say that I don't remember mine - that is to say, I don't remember the orgasm itself. I remember a load of sticky mess I wasn't expecting and then had to clean up ). Let's be realistic, though, the overwhelming likelihood is that a person's first orgasm happens during masturbation. On the cave man note: try to get a modern-day man to go off hunting wild animals with only primitive equipment. He won't agree, let me tell you.
Member # 43206
posted 07-09-2009 03:07 AM
Personally, as a guy I really don't get why some other guys are attracted to virgins.
I mean, I suppose it might be a little bit more comfortable(emotionally) to have sex with someone who is also a virgin for my first time, but I really don't see any appeal in it. If anything, I think I'd prefer an experienced woman just on the grounds of not having to deal with the whole painful first time thing. But over all I don't really care much either way. :\ Also, as far as virginity goes, I don't really care about it at all, it just doesn't seem all that important to me, in a positive or negative sense. But hey, that's just me.
Member # 32076
posted 09-11-2009 07:16 PM
Every single guy I have dated so far has been turned on by the fact that I'm a virgin (still a virgin now thank god). Maybe I am just cynical but I think that men are turned on by virgins because they like the idea of having control or domination over an "innocent" woman. Usually the notion of being a virgin is synonymous with youth, and throughout history, for biological reproductive reasons perhaps, it's been pretty evident that men prefer young, or very young, women.
If a women is older, experienced, knowledgeable about her sexuality, and assertive in general, then *some* men will not be as turned on. This might be because they feel they are being "equally matched". This relates to men generally having a sexist view of women--in their eyes it's not possible to be equally matched with a woman. He must "care for her" or "protect her". I wish I followed my own advice though...I tend to meet these meat head macho type of guys!
Member # 3
posted 09-11-2009 07:29 PM
I just want to also dip into this, because I'm a bit concerned about this whole thread, and have been from its start.
What I think is really important to recognize is that, from an anecdotal and personal perspective, what most of you probably are going to know is simply if a given guy is or isn't turned on by YOU, period. And if you have not had sex or a given kind of sex with someone, and share that information, someone interested in you is likely to be interested in that. If you have had different sexual history or experience, then they're likely to be interested in THAT. By no means am I going to deny that we have a long-term cultural problem with women being valued or objectified by their sexuality, and that absolutely includes plenty of men then and now viewing women without previous partners as blank slates for them to write upon or seeing those who have had sexual partners as goods other men have already "used." I would never discount any of that, especially since again, historically and still today, those ideas have resulted in a lot of serious problems, problems which include outright violence towards women. But I also think we need to be cautious both to avoid oversimplifying and painting men with a broad brush AND to be cautious in what very well may be very individual experiences viewed only or primarily through the lens of one's own life.
Member # 47022
posted 05-18-2010 04:41 PM
I've had bad experiences with guys who get really "excited" about the fact that I haven't had vaginal sex yet. They've always, without exception, been creepers. If they thought I was inexperienced or innocent, boy were they surprised!
Member # 3
posted 05-19-2010 02:48 PM
cthulhu_hungers: I'd add to that that my experience, whether it's about getting mega-excited about having sex ith a virgin, or someone "experienced" or that someone has slept with so-and-so in the past, that someone is some kind of famous, any number of criteria that are about sexually objectifying someone, or reducing them down to something like this, it's all pretty much creeper-city.
Sex educators can deal with this a lot, sometimes, where someone does a come on where they express or intuit they want to have sex with a sex educator. Of course, "How not-at-all charming, and you won't be sleeping with THIS one, in fact...umm, could you get far away from me because EEW?" is not an atypical response on our parts to that. It might even be less about sexually objectifying so much as defining sex with someone in some way about what it means about YOU, or what notch you can put on your bedpost, instead of about both of you, as whole people, and the actual or potential sexual experiences you may share. It seems mostly or only about conquest, this stuff. Hard to put in words. [ 05-19-2010, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 46007
posted 05-20-2010 01:46 AM
In my experience, it's more of a problem that some women think men would prefer that they be virgins..when virtually all the guys I've been involved with have had no problem with my non-virginal level of experience. For example a friend of mine recently had some drama with his girlfriend when she admitted to him that she was not a virgin after she'd lied and said she WAS still a virgin a few months earlier. She told him she lied because she thought he'd be mad that she wasn't a virgin. He couldn't care less. He wasn't bothered in the least that she was not a virgin but SHE assumed he would be.
So, while I'm sure there are some guys who for whatever reason are bothered by girls who aren't virgins (probably because there is still that sexist social belief that women should hold onto their virginity whereas men should get experience), a woman should never assume that a guy will get angry if she's not a virgin. And, in my opinion, if a guy does get angry about this, he's really not worth her time - he should appreciate all the experiences she's had that make her who she is (I feel like I read this elsewhere in Scarleteen before..) And, for the record, I know a lot of men who are quite turned on by experienced women!
Member # 39654
posted 05-20-2010 01:53 AM
This has been a VERY interesting thread to read, i really enjoyed it.
Personally myself i've noticed with my EX boyfriend when we first had sex [i wasnt his first] he liked taking my 'virginity' because it was the whole control thing and then he could forever tell people "I took hers...ect." and stuff, that was a mistake on my part, but with my current boyfriend when i took HIS it meant hardly anything to me, it was more of the fact of how amazingly special it was to us that i loved it made no difference wether we was a virgin or not. That being said though i would have been upset if he'd of had sex before me [which is why i feel bad about him not being my first] because im a jealous person and if i knew he'd done what he's done with me with someone ELSE i'd be ultra jealous. However he isnt a jealous type so he doesnt care. Therefor i think that its also a big JEALOUSY issue with virginity and some guys might like it because they know no one else has got to experience anything like it with this person before.