T O P I C ††† R E V I E W
Member # 29533
posted 06-24-2006 02:00 AM
I was just wondering what everyone though about the whole abstinance thing.
Being christian, i usto believe that all it meant was no sex before marriage, but latley people have been telling me its everything from kissing to sex and im a little confused as to what exactly it means. Ive also been told that it actually means no sex before love.. Though im sure everyone has a different opinion, i would love to hear it Thankyou muchly
Member # 11569
posted 06-24-2006 08:49 AM
Well, there are two things here that can be addressed: What does your faith actually say? (You can ask a pastor, or youth group leader, or someone like that for the official answer.) And what do you believe your faith is calling you to think? Sometimes they mesh up; often, they don't. I know for me, my views on sex and marriage are not in line with my church's views - I believe in education people as much as possible, on the emotional and physical aspects of sex, for example, where often the church does not (in some areas, this is changing, thank goodness.) It's important for you to decide what sex readiness is to you, and how you want to apply that to your life.
We do have a lot of articles on ST that relate to sex and readiness, as well as one on abstinence/celibacy (I'll link them for you in a second.) What becomes difficult when people have sliding scales of what they do and don't consider sex, then protection against STIs and pregnancy is often not taken into account. If someone decides to hold off on just intercourse before marriage, they would need to be aware that unprotected oral sex can spread STIs just as easily, and unprotected anal sex can result in pregnacy. The people you've been talking with may not be taking that into account, because anything that isn't intercourse isn't 'sex' but it does have the same repercussions that sex can have, right? I know this is pretty heavy stuff, so I'll post some articles here for you to read over. If you use the search function, you will find other discussions pertaining to religion and sex/masturbation/pornography that you might find interesting also. Abstinence and Celibacy Ready or Not? A Sex Readiness Checklist Magical Cups and Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context These might be a good jumping off point for your consideration, as well as those other topics I mentioned above. Enjoy!
Member # 17973
posted 06-24-2006 09:56 AM
Well me personally, I am a follower of the Christian faith but I don't fully agree with the ideals that have been drilled into my head, especially the "no sex before marriage" thing. I struggled with this myself but I came to my own conclusion that I believe that sex before marriage is not a sin. I am deeply in love with my boyfriend and I don't believe that I'm going to hell for making love to him. This is something you are going to have to decide for yourself. Personally, I feel that a person's sexuality is the most beautiful aspect of their humanity. But thats just me. I feel that the act of sex is suppose to be expressed in a loving relationship and not casually. Its a natural thing. If you make the decision to have sex, I hope that you do it on your own accord and not because of pressure to fit in or something like and PLEASE be careful. Again, these are just my opinions. Good luck
Member # 27418
posted 06-24-2006 02:13 PM
You're looking for a clearly defined, bold line, when unfortunately it does not exist. You are left largely to your own interpretations on this; most religious texts cover some basic or vague moral aspect of sexuality, but leave all the in-between stuff unaddressed. Is kissing appropriate before marriage? As far as I know, no religious texts have addressed this. What about other types of sex--such as oral--or even sex with the same gender, with whom marriage is not legally possible? Not all religious texts have a clearly defined line on this either. Unfortunately, no one can really TELL you what the right or wrong is on this one. You may wish to go with the interpretations held by the majority of your church, if there even is a unified one, or you may simply wish to make the interpretations and judgements yourself... which, ultimately, is what you are left with. Use your OWN heart and brain. Do you feel OK with kissing before marriage? Intercourse before marriage? Do you feel that your faith is flexible, or is it by the letter? It is, confusing as it may be, an internal matter. Whatever you decide is the best and most comfortable for YOU PERSONALLY is what I will put my money on. The only thing that we ask here, as far as sexuality, is that you make sure you are SAFE: physically and emotionally. That means using protection when engaging in sexual acts, and making sure that you only engage in sexual acts that you WANT to be doing.
Member # 94
posted 06-24-2006 06:20 PM
Generally, the Christians that I know who have chosen to wait until marriage for sex have usually meant something along the lines of sex involving exposed genitals, though I have heard of groups who claim that even kissing should be saved for marriage.
What the Bible, particularly the New Testament, says about sex outside of marriage is not particularly clear-cut. In terms of heterosexual relationships, it explicitly says that sex within marriage is NOT a sin, and it condemns some forms of sex outside of marriage (Paul tells Christian men not to visit prostitutes, for instances). Paul also tells men not to try to have sex with their fiancees if they are virgins (a term that is itself hard to define). As I'm not a Christian, I don't refer to the Bible to guide my sexual activities, but if you do want to refer to the Bible for yourself, I'd recommend that you have a read of it for yourself, and see how it fits in with what you feel is healthy for you, rather than trying to read it through the interpretations of others. Come at it with an open mind, and always remember that even though a particular choice or interpretation is right for you personally, that's not going to be the case for everyone.
Member # 29533
posted 06-25-2006 04:00 AM
thankyou all so much for your opinions! your all awesome and thankyou very much. I guess, according to you guys, i will just have to think about what i want and what i think is right. thankyou muchly.
Member # 29464
posted 06-27-2006 03:30 PM
along these same lines... do you think it's too much to ask of a guy that he wait until marriage to have sex with you? i've found when dating someone without my same beliefs it's extremely hard for them to grasp this concept and is usually the reason things never last for us. when i meet someone i *really* like and they ask about the sexual aspect of our potential relationship i make it clear that i am a virgin and what with my beliefs they assume right away that it also means i want to remain a virgin until i marry.
well while i feel that's somewhat true, i also feel like it wouldn't be so terrible if i were to fall in love with someone i completely trust and vice versa who i felt comfortable with the idea of making love to prior to marriage vows. but at the same time i don't know that i could really do that, because i have such a strong relationship with Christ first, spirituality is just that big a part of my life. but regardless of whether or not any of this is said i'm always asked if i'll reconsider and have sex with them - with my first boyfriend i flat out said "no", because i knew i didn't love him and i knew he didn't love me, it was a strictly physical relationship from start to finish that lasted way longer than it should have purely for the physical aspect of it. and he always said how if i stayed with him long enough i'd give in, which pissed me off, so obviously i had to break up with him. but every guy since then has acted the same way - assuming i'll give it up to them, and if i won't then they don't even want to date. how am i even supposed to get to know someone and be with them long enough to have that serious relationship that could lead to intercourse if the guy keeps refusing to go out on a second date simple becuz he knows it'd be a long time before he'd get me in bed? are there no men out there who are actually attracted to personality too? enough to want to get to know you and respect your boundaries and wait for you? even my current bf - who i got to know as a friend first, hoping he'd see my personality instead of just my body - has said before how funny and smart i am and how he thinks we're just "meant to be" and he'll say how he doesn't mind that i'm a virgin and he's willing to wait - but obviously not until marriage because i still remember him saying "we might not be together forever... but then again we might. but we are eventually going to have sex." just stated it like it was fact, and i know at the time he said that last quote he'd had a few beers, but still. is it not possible for a man just to WAIT, i mean after all he does have two hands - he was using them before i came along, he can still keep himself busy if he really cared about keeping me happy. but then i hear the excuse that he just cares about me so much he wants to be closer to me and it's like the relationship can't progress if we don't have sex or something. even when it's only been a few months! apparently all these men are incapable of waiting more than 3 months to have sex. it's hard for me to imagine that all men are like that - i mean i know it might be easier if i found someone who had my same spiritual beliefs, but i can't imagine all nonbelieving men are incapable of waiting for sex.
Member # 94
posted 06-27-2006 06:23 PM
I'm sorry to hear that your partners don't respect your sexual choices, that is not something that anyone should have to put up with. If your current partner doesn't start respecting your choices as of NOW, I'd recommend breaking things off with him too.
While I'm sure that any of us here would say that it's okay for you to reconsider your stance about sex, it's important that, if you do it, you do it on your own terms, and not on the terms of a partner. You know, there's nothing wrong with being single for a while because you can't find a partner who is on the same page as you, sexually speaking. Going without a relationship for a while does not equate to never finding someone who respects your choices.
Member # 29464
posted 06-27-2006 06:40 PM
i agree about just remaining single for a while, i have to admit i've never been one to seek out a new relationship, they've just sort of snuck up on me. i go on dates more as a social thing so i'm not all too heartbroken when they don't work out just becuz of the no-sex. but when i meet a guy i really really like, like the guy i'm with now, who i knew for 6 or so months before deciding to tell him my feelings and finding out he liked me too, i want this one to work...but if he can't respect my boundaries i have no choice but to move on. it's just tough, cuz this'll be the second time that i've been with someone i really care for who just can't accept where i'm at and wait for me. because according to both of them i shouldn't expect them to be able to wait more than a few months for it to happen.
[ 06-27-2006, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]
Member # 29292
posted 06-27-2006 08:26 PM
I will be honest here. I am not really into the whole christiannity thing. I am a christian yes but not too much. I mean, I don't go to church. I am not waiting to have sex after marriage because I don't even know if I will get married. More and more people are not anymore.
It's not that's it's old-fashion or anything it is just that things change. Christians see virginity as a special gift that a girl should wait to give to her husband. I just don't see it that way. See, I'm more about the medical definition of it. Some people say that couples last longer if they wait to have sex after marriage.But I know relationships where girls and boys saved themselves for their husband and wife that didn't worked out. So I'd say it is not true to say that sex after marriage is better for a couple.
Member # 22471
posted 06-27-2006 09:15 PM
(cool87, it's great to add your views on a subject to a topic, but please try to avoid generalizations on the board! Yes, many Christians do believe in saving sex until after marriage, but not all of them do, and even if some do, it may be for reasons other than seeing virginity as a "gift" for their partners.
Also, there IS no medical definition of virginity, it is completely a social concept and therefore it is up to a person to decide what virginity means to them, there's nothing scientific about it)
Member # 19692
posted 06-28-2006 02:52 PM
I honestly have a bad feeling about some churches/religious groups making such a bit deal about abstaining from sex. Most of it reeks of patriarchal society and its control over women, in my opinion. The whole mess makes me quite irritable and turns my stomach.
Choosing to remain a virgin, of your own volition, I have NO problem with. Being/feeling compelled to by your church or others..now that's another story. If it doesn't feel right to YOU, make another choice. That choice could be having sex, not having sex, or simply waiting a while. [ 06-28-2006, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: daria319 ]
Member # 25983
posted 06-28-2006 03:25 PM
I agree with everybody who's said that one should come to their own conclusion about when they want sex, regardless of external pressures or opinions.
Further, I personally am against the "sex until marriage" mentality. I feel almost sorry for the couples who wait for their wedding night and get so excited about first time sex only to find out it's often not a flipping huge deal, and some of the time not very romantic in the least. It's like some of them want to ignore the 50% divorce rate, as well. My friends who believe in sex until marriage say it's because they want it to be guaranteed that only one person will have their body for eternity (which is a very sweet thought that I can understand). But as has been addressed in other threads, marriage is no guarantee of anything. It's the same relationship with a piece of paper; the same problems still spring up, and couples still break up.
Member # 29533
posted 06-29-2006 09:46 PM
Shimmer I have had alot of relationships like the ones you were talking aboout (which has leaded me to wonder if it is possible to stay a virgin and have a loving boyfriend)
Not all my relationships have been purely physicle but i still felt pressured to have sex. In my last relationship i was with an older guy which made it even harder and though he said he would wait (to be honest i didnt want to be with him 'forever') but every now and then he would make a comment like 'maybe one day you'll be ready'. But it wasnt the fact i wasnt ready as i believe i am ready for sex, but its the fact that i didnt love him and i couldnt see my self with him in the future. And it annoyed me that he had made the assumtion that i was just young and not ready. It was even harder considering he wasnt a virgin. And as much as i hate to admit it, and im sure im not the only one, but it is sometimes hard not to give in to urges. Though i want to wait until i fall in love to make that commitment, it is still hard sometimes and i loose self control. I am a virgin, but i do regret things i have done out of impulses. And because i have those regrets, it does make it a tad easier to keep my urges under control. But i agree, it is hard to find a guy that will be willing to wait. So i am starting to think i should really go out with someone who has the same beliefs so we can stop each other when things get out of control But the hard thing is, is trying to find someone patient or has the same beliefs.. the topic doesnt really come into discussion on first meeting. Thats another thing, what if we waste months on a guy that we're not gunna end up with in the end?? I guess we all do learn a thing or 2 from dogdy relationships, but whenever i break it off with someone i always hate the fact that it was all a waste of time, time i could have been spending with the 'one'? And i guess its the same thing with sex. What if we give it up to someone that we think will be the one that isnt? Are we just supposed to risk it? I guess thats why most people wait until marriage, but even then there is divorse. Theres things like that, that make me wonder what we're suppose to do. much much love. p.s thankyou you again for all your replies, keep em coming!
Member # 29464
posted 06-30-2006 09:25 AM
quote: Originally posted by little_cheekie_monkey: What if we give it up to someone that we think will be the one that isnt? yeah i know what you mean. like... i was never with someone before who i felt i could fall in love with, who i could see myself with forever, etc, and if i know that then there's no way i'm going to give it up. and then i might as well just stop seeing that person because they keep thinking i WILL give it up, even when i tell them i won't. i can't guarantee i *won't* eventually have sex with someone out of marriage, but i don't want to tell that to the guy when he asks if i think i'll ever want to because that'll only keep him coming around for the physical stuff and i'll never know if he really wants me for me, or if he just wants to hang around until i'll sleep with him. with my current bf.. he's great when we spend time together (though that's rare) and i actually can kind of see us together for a long time (if he'd just be a man and tell me what's going on since he's sending mixed signals) - just our personalities mesh really well and we have a good time together. but i don't want to tell him i may eventually want to have sex with him because i just don't know. i'm perfectly ready for sex, but it's a part of me that i feel is too good to just give up for any guy who turns me on. not to mention there are risks involved obviously.
i tend to date older guys and of course they're more experienced and set in their ways and when they find out i'm a virgin it automatically makes me a little girl in their mind and it pisses me off. just because i'm mature enough to realize i want to wait to experience that with someone i love shouldn't make me younger in his eyes. like, i could see the possibility of having sex when i KNOW i'm truly in love with the guy, but then it goes back to what you said - what if he doesn't end up being the one after all? and what if the break up goes really bad? or what if you find something out about him that changes your opinion of him completely and leaves you feeling completely betrayed and disgusted with yourself for giving it up to such a jerk who couldn't even appreciate it. i just don't know. it's tough. i'm like you, i've learned from my regrets and don't foresee myself making the same mistake twice or letting myself fall deeper, but it's just always *so* important for the guy to have some form of sex and to me.. the actual act isn't even that important, it's more symbolic to me than anything. innocence and purity, and something to be shared between two people who are in love with each other. if i'm not in love with the guy then why even consider doing it? so when a guy asks "do u think you'll ever want to have sex with me?" i think to myself... i don't know if i'll fall in love with you, so i can't give you an answer. i don't know, i think sex is way overrated. we could get by without it dominating our thoughts like it does. and a guy can certainly wait for his girlfriend if he truly put his mind to it. i just haven't met a guy yet who's willing to.
Member # 11569
posted 06-30-2006 11:47 AM
Just a point before the discussion continues onwards; a conversation about finding partners that mesh with your ideas and values about sex and marriage is totally valid, but we have to be careful to not let discussion move from personal wants and needs to implying that waiting for marriage/someone you love is all about innocence and purity. Once we start going in that direction, it becomes very tricky to maneuver without making blanket generalizations. So, sharing experiences of your own is great, but bear in mind that not everyone's concepts of virginty are the same, nor are people all about dating members of the opposite sex, etc. Thanks all!
Member # 29464
posted 06-30-2006 12:08 PM
sex means different things to different people, i was just expressing what it meant to me. i personally am not someone who craves the actual act of sex, and i DO see it as a part of something more pure and innocent, something real to be shared between two lovers, not two people in need of a one night stand. that's just my interpretation of it. i've had a fair amount of experience to back these feelings up, i'm not naive to the urges people feel and the desire to feel closer to each other, but i do think there's something to be said for waiting.
Member # 3
posted 06-30-2006 12:18 PM
(One thing to bear in mind, though, in the interest of staying grounded, and understanding different perspectives, is that if I have never eaten a banana, I'm likely not going to crave it, either.
So, speaking to what we want or don't, we do have to bear in mind that that is often influenced by what we have and haven't experienced -- including the fact that MANY married people are not satisfied with their sex lives, emotionally or physically -- know and don't know, as well as our belief systems, our aims and goals, our ideals.)
Member # 11569
posted 06-30-2006 12:40 PM
Aye, and my qualms with terms like innocence and purity, even in the context of your own interpretation of it, was that it implictly denies anything but that interpretation as 'dirty' or 'wrong'. That may not have been your intent, but regardless, the terms themselves are loaded with a whole lot of tricky politics. If you've read the Magical Cups article linked upthread for example, you'll see how so much of it is tied into society, culture, and politics.
Member # 8067
posted 06-30-2006 01:10 PM
like, i could see the possibility of having sex when i KNOW i'm truly in love with the guy, but then it goes back to what you said - what if he doesn't end up being the one after all? and what if the break up goes really bad? or what if you find something out about him that changes your opinion of him completely and leaves you feeling completely betrayed and disgusted with yourself for giving it up to such a jerk who couldn't even appreciate it. It's worth considering, though, that marriage doesn't magically protect you against those things happening. Marriages break up, married people find out unpleasant things about each other, etc. It's cool for anyone to decide that they'll only have sex when they think they won't regret it later (whether they're having sex for the first time or the 500th). But ultimately nothing can provide a 100% guarantee that a relationship will last forever.
Member # 29464
posted 06-30-2006 08:29 PM
quote: Originally posted by Miz Scarlet: if I have never eaten a banana, I'm likely not going to crave it, either. i don't think that's a fair assumption. some people just don't need the physical part as much as others. i know how important it is to my boyfriend and how little the idea of intercourse means to me (in the sense that i don't crave the actual act like he does - doesn't mean i don't find sex desirable, i'm just not a very sex-driven person) so it's kind of like why not just have sex with him if it'll make him happy, but then i think about what the idea of it means to me and the thought of just giving it up to anyone does not appeal - not because of rules in a book telling me i'll go to hell if i don't - but because it would make me unhappy with myself, i do consider my body to be a temple, and when i do things that cross that line i feel distanced from God. i don't expect you or anyone who does not have my same beliefs to understand what that means, but i'd hope my future partner would be able to respect that.
when i said it represented a little more innocence and purity i didn't mean to imply that it was otherwise "dirty" or "wrong" - heck it's good to get a little dirty now and then. i just mean i think it loses something if you're not with someone you truly love. no relationship is guaranteed, but in my humble opinion i honestly believe waiting for someone you really *love* and who you know returns your love is worth the wait. with any form of sex. for example the furthest i've let anyone go with me is manual, but i regret that for 1 reason in particular - the first time i experienced it, it really had that sort of magical feeling, and it made me feel extremely close to the man i was with at the time. but of course we broke up, and i found new boyfriends, and it's lost that magical feeling, it doesn't make me feel any closer to the man i'm with, i don't feel like it even really enhances our relationship like guys have told me sex will do. the more it's done, the more numb i become to what it could otherwise offer me in a commited loving relationship - and i've learned from this. and it's not that i don't enjoy it, because it's obviously a very pleasurable thing, it's simply that it no longer does *in my eyes* what it was intended for - to be shared with that someone who you do love and who does respect you. and quite frankly if that man *wasn't* willing to wait for me (and i'm not even saying until marriage, though i'm not saying the reverse either) then there's no reason for me to even consider being with him. i'm not making claim that this is the case for everybody or even every believer, it's just how i feel. [ 06-30-2006, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]
Member # 3
posted 06-30-2006 11:10 PM
[uote]no relationship is guaranteed, but in my humble opinion i honestly believe waiting for someone you really *love* and who you know returns your love is worth the wait. with any form of sex.[/quote]
The point you're missing here, though, is to qualify this with" FOR YOU. Because even if you THINK that's always the case for everyone (and I assure you, it isn't -- there's plenty of us in the world who have had equal enjoyment of sex with partners very, very close to us in a romantic relationship and with those in other contexts, plus, for plenty of us, with people we aren't married to, don't want to BE married to, or couldn't GET married to even if we wanted), this isn't the place for that sentiment. This isn't the place to prescribe what you think is best for everyone -- especially when you'vw yet to even have the anticipated experience to know if it even turned out to be what you expect it is -- only for YOU.
Member # 29533
posted 06-30-2006 11:12 PM
I am really not seeing the point in sex. I know its suppose to be a great feeling and all, but i dont see what all the fuss is about. A few of my friends have made the commitment and regret it. But some, who are still with the man they gave themselves to, do not regret it and are glad they made that decision.
When the Bible what written, people thought in different ways and the situations and challenges they were faced with then, were different to now. I'm sure they wouldnt have had to sign a piece of paper saying they were married etc. Saying that, there is really no way to determine what it all means. Though most religious people believe in no sex before marriage, some interpret it as only having sex with the one your going to be with until the end and only having sex with one man whether or not marriage is involved. But as Miss Lauren and logic_grrl said, there is no way in knowing who your going to be with, marriage doesnt guarante anything. On a more morbid side of things, one could marry a man who dies, then what are we to do? Are we meant to not have sex with any one else? or shall we find another person who is 'the one'. There are so many things that could go wrong that could challenge our beliefs. Every one has a different point of view on abstinence, and there is no pin pointing what is right and wrong. I know we are suppose to have faith and all, but how can I have faith in something i dont understand? ******** I totally respect the fact that some of you reading these posts dont agree with what is being said, but if you dont by all means post what you think. None of us in any way are attempting to be bias or make girls believe the same or even tell you sex is wrong or right. We all think differently and thats what'll help us get to the bottom of this ********
Member # 3
posted 06-30-2006 11:16 PM
quote: I'm sure they wouldnt have had to sign a piece of paper saying they were married etc. No, but it was usually understood for women that they gave over all their property. Kinda bigger than a piece of paper.
You know, I think some of y'all need to get that if you do NOT have interest in pursuing sex at any given time, that -- ALL BY ITSELF -- is an excellent reason not to have sex. Sex, flatly, stinks when you have it when you don't want to, whether you're married to that other person or not. So, no matter what the reason, it is 100% sound NOT to have sex until you feel like - physically and emotionally -- it's something you really want. (FYI: historically, and by definition, faith is exactly that: believing in something despite the fact that you may not understand it.)
Member # 29533
posted 06-30-2006 11:27 PM
Do you think marriage still has the same importance as it did back then?
Because is seems that more and more marriages are breaking up. anyway, im going off the topic. Of course i do intend to have sex one day, but its when, why, and who i am going to give that part fo my self to. And i know people have sex with whomever they want to, even if there is no form of relationship at all, and that doesnt bother me what-so-ever. In fact i would like to hear from people who have casual sex to know how they feel about it. Really i just want to know millions of different types of views so i can determine what is best for me, because i cannot decide alone. *Sorry if am coming off as pushy or disrespectful for those with different beliefs as me, but really i am not intending to. I guess its hard to talk about religion without offending someone.* I know we are suppose to have faith though we may not understand it, but im sure we have to atleast have a small idea of what its all about. And i do have a certain amount of faith but at the same time i cant help but question what was meant in some parts of the bible. Is it wrong to question it?
Member # 3
posted 06-30-2006 11:34 PM
Nope! Theologians study it night and day, doing exactly that.
But with stuff like that, whomever the individual leader of your local faith is can be a really good person to talk to. Marriage has changed a lot because our WORLD has changed a lot. To tackle that topic is a gargantuan effort, because it's so multifaceted. Just women actually having some rights and autonomy changes things vastly; just the fact that most people have a greater partner pool to choose from than the three eligible people in their village changes things. The fact that the average lifespan is no longer around 35 years changes things significantly: way back when, marriages could only last 20 years or so because people didn't LIVE longer than that.
Member # 29464
posted 07-01-2006 03:17 AM
quote: Originally posted by Miz Scarlet: This isn't the place to prescribe what you think is best for everyone ... when did i say i was prescribing anything? didn't i clearly state somewhere... quote: Originally posted by Shimmer: i'm not making claim that this is the case for everybody or even every believer, it's just how i feel. the topic was made to ask people their views on Christianity and Abstinance... these are my views. i don't understand why my views aren't considered valid. they're just that - MY views.
as for the idea of us only sharing our body with one person our entire lives, i don't apply that to my life simply because of the unpredictableness of it all. and surely if you fall in love with a man who dies young you can end up falling in love with another man. i do think there's someone out there meant for me, but i don't know God's plan, and if some tragedy should befall our relationship i'd let him lead my life wherever he wants to take me - He knows what's best for me and what i need, and he'll bring someone into my life who can fill that void if it's necessary (though it may not be). we're certainly capable of falling in love with more than one person. and when i feel the relationship is blessed by God then i'll feel comfortable giving myself to my partner. but there are those who go through life without a significant other, or who never remarry after a lover passes away, and they are just as content, and that's fine too. whatever is God's will. note, once again, this is simply how *I* feel. i can't imagine i'd offend anyone when what i'm saying applies to *MY* life only, we're all responsible for finding our own truth. [ 07-01-2006, 03:19 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]
Member # 12381
posted 07-23-2006 05:13 PM
When it comes to a Christian perspective on sex, it kind of depends on who you ask.
My beliefs come from reading the Bible, praying about it, and interpreting the way I feel led. I know the Bible teaches that having sex with someone that isn't your spouse is adultery. I waited until I was married to have sex. However, I also believe that there is more to that than sex. I believe in purity as well, something that my husband and I unfortunately struggled with before we were married. I believe that as Christians we shouldn't do anything that stimulates lust (as much as is reasonable). For some, that means saving their first kiss for marriage. I really respect those who do that, but I knew that wasn't for me. And most of those I know who are saving/saved their first kiss for marriage believe it is a personal conviction, not a universal Christian moral. Shimmer, when it comes to concerns over a boyfriend understanding an intent to wait, that was one of the main reasons I only dated Christians. That may seem extreme, but may faith is such an integral part of my life that I couldn't be with someone with whom I couldn't share that. Also, my husband understood my stance from a Scriptural perspective, and shared that view. If someone doesn't believe the Bible is the word of God, it's kind of hard to convince him from a Biblical perspective why you think pre-marital sex is wrong. And when it comes to feeling that it is worth waiting for that one person, I can't speak from the other side of the issue (since I never had sex outside of marriage), but for me it was definitely worth the wait. My wedding night wasn't perfect because the room was perfect or because my husband's really hot or because it wasn't painful (because it certainly was), but it seemed perfect to me because after so much time of waiting, and making a lifelong commitment to one another, we were finally sharing intimacy in the fullest sense. Disclaimer: I was a little more bold here than I normally am in stating what I believe because this asked about a Christian perspective.
Member # 11352
posted 07-27-2006 08:33 PM
quote: I agree with everybody who's said that one should come to their own conclusion about when they want sex, regardless of external pressures or opinions. ^^Indeed. People are living their own lives, so the choices in regards to having sex should also reflect themselves as well quote: Further, I personally am against the "sex until marriage" mentality. ^Same here. It was the route that I chose to go down. The choice was made for ME though. Not everybody has that same mentality. quote: It's cool for anyone to decide that they'll only have sex when they think they won't regret it later (whether they're having sex for the first time or the 500th). ^^I agree also. I chose to have sex when I was 100% ready to have it and knew that I wouldnít regret it regardless of the circumstances that come with a few moments of passion. I donít regret the decision of being not a virgin since I was 17 and I havenít regretted each time that I choose to have sex. quote: So, no matter what the reason, it is 100% sound NOT to have sex until you feel like - physically and emotionally -- it's something you really want ^^I agree. My best friend has chosen not to have sex until she gets married. Thatís what SHE wants. She believes in the faith, her familyís upbringing and everything else but in the end, thatís what SHE has decided and she continues to stick by it. My best friend is the same way as some of you in wanting to date people that share the same beliefs and values that she has. I respect her SOUND decision because thatís what SHE wants. However, sex and dating are NOT a priority at all for my best friend because right now, school, being at work and being with friends are her top priorities. I chose to have the SOUND decision to have sex before I GOT married and she respects my decision.
Thus, sex decisions should be SOUND on when you want to have sex as Miz S said
Member # 30030
posted 07-28-2006 12:19 AM
It's critical for people to understand the "why" of their decision to wait or not. Is it fear or conditioning, an informed choice or something else? Regardless of the choice, the "whys" should be healthy, informed & confident. If one is not in conflict about her choice, she can feel confident about it & stand up for it when under pressure. Even if we waffle in the heat of a moment, we don't have to live with regret. Move forward with who you want to be and don't worry about what you "gave away" or "spoiled". Slipping up on our goals doesn't mean the beauty of the ideal future is ruined. Sex is a great thing, and can and will be if you decide it will, regardless of the past. Sorry, but I think way too much is made of the concept of virginity, and not enough of the choice to be happy. Sure, some things you just can't take back, but the feelings & fulfillment of the ideal future relationship can be attained.
True, people who want to wait are in the vast minority, and just as with anything we are in the minority on, it's tougher to find a compatible partner. It's hard to find a match for something rare. One friend helped me to understand that I need to define those things I absolutely cannot compromise on, and "fish in those waters" only! Statistically, most likely the partner you eventually bond with will not have waited. If you've got your heart set on some picture of how it's going to be, chuck it! You may find 'the one' who waited for you, but you've got to mold your ideal around a concept, not a requirement. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Making love with the one you love is going to be a priceless, touching moment, regardless of the past. Do what is right for you, but do it for the right reasons & with realistic expectations, and you can be happy now & in the future. Reminds me of a quote from the movie "Phenomenon" - Lace: "What, you think you're gonna get lucky?" George: "No, just hoping." Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps :-)