T O P I C R E V I E W
U2girl
Member # 1524
posted 10-11-2000 05:11 PM
okay i saw in Ask the Sexpert a girl my age (17) talking about the age difference between her and her boyfriend (whos 21).. and well i thought i would start something with asking u guys..what do u think about age differences in a relationship? how old or young would u date?? do u think age really matters??
------------------ PEACE
Gumdrop Girl
Member # 568
posted 10-11-2000 06:53 PM
i'm always sketchy about couples who have more than a 3-year gap in age when they're both teenagers. there's a lot of difference between a 20-year-old and a 14-year-old.but the big concern is making sure that no one is being exploited (adult taking advantage of a naive girl, teenager using an adult to buy alcohol and stuff for them). know the consent laws for where you live! por ejemplo: it is a *felony* for an adult over the age of 18 to have sex (including oral copulation) with a person under 18 in California.
imho, i prefer to keep things pretty level. my guy is 20, i'll be 20 next week.
------------------ if you get the molasses, i'll set up the trampoline.
glitter695
Member # 1515
posted 10-11-2000 07:32 PM
Well my uncle who is like 53 has a wife and shes only 22....i mean thats a little to old for a 22 year old...shes almost my age, thats like goin out with your dad or something...about 6 or 7 year difference seems okay to me not 15 or 20 years or maybe even longer than that...but if your happy, then you do what you gotta do!!!! you do what makes you feel good!!!------------------ *~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~ *~*~12/3/99*~*~*
U2girl
Member # 1524
posted 10-11-2000 08:18 PM
Glitter695 id have to agree with you. im 17 as i said and im dating a guy who turned 23... i really NEVER would have thought i would date that old.. but i mean we get along so great and all that its like we forget how old eachother are... age is just a number.. i know my parents wouldnt approve but hey ill wait to tell them in a few years... hehe------------------ PEACE
ErinK
Member # 1371
posted 10-11-2000 08:53 PM
Let's see. My primary partner of almost five years turns 21 next Friday. I'm 23 (I'll turn 24 in November). We've been dating since he was 16 and I was 19.My other main sweetie is 45. That's a big age difference, yes, but so far it hasn't made a big deal for us. We're both very sure as to what we want (and don't want) out of the relationship, we communicate well, and we get along great. However, I'm also not living with my parents, and they don't know the full extent of my relationship with him, so I'm not in the same situation that a teenager living with his or her parents would be.
Other people I've dated have ranged in age from 22-30, all while I was in my early 20s. (I'm one of those 'late bloomers') Again, age wasn't necessarily a compatibility factor, but I can see how it might be for some people.
What has been more important in my relationships has been things like mutual interests, ability to communicate with each other, caring for each other, and wanting the same things out of the relationship.
For example, my primary and I both consider finishing our educations as being very important, so we've maintained a long distance relationship while we pursue our goals at separate schools. Granted, age has been a factor in that relationship because we both started dating while he was in high school and I was in college. However, we figure that if we're going to spend our whole lives together, we'd better make them lives we can enjoy individually and together.
erin
------------------ PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. -- Dave Barry
Ron
Member # 484
posted 10-11-2000 09:35 PM
Well just for the record, Kippy and I are only three months apart in age. We have been married for 31 years. I proposed to her after going out for a week and we got married three months later. We were crazy.
Pixie69
Member # 406
posted 10-11-2000 11:37 PM
Well I don't know, it really depends on the people. I'm 14 and I never ever thought I'd like a 17 year old, I really like to stay in my own age group (age group meaning whoever I'd compete against in sports ) but I'm pretty mature and he's kinda immature so it works out well. My friend is also 14 and is dating a 19 year old, and I think that's a pretty big age difference but it works well for them. I'll say that while I'm a teenager I don't plan on dating more than three years older, once I'm 20 and 25 and 30 I'd be okay with more years in between. But hey, you don't choose who you fall in love with.Brittany
------------------ I'm the good girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl pretending to be a good girl :D
glitter695
Member # 1515
posted 10-12-2000 06:41 PM
See I dont know if I cant explain this right, but if your 14 and have a 19 year old boyfriend, yeh that seems too young for a 19year old, and to old for a 14 year old, but when we get older and see people that are older together, for example: 25 and a 30 year old we dont care...why is that??? can anybody tell me???...and if I didnt make sence...im sorry...I tend not to make sence sometimes :O------------------ *~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~ *~*~12/3/99*~*~*
Hanne
Member # 100
posted 10-12-2000 07:25 PM
Think of it as a math problem -- a problem of percent difference.If person A is 8 years old and person B is 12 years old, then B is 50% older than A. Four years, in this case = 50%
If person C is 16 years old and person D is 20 years old, then D is 25% older than C. Four years, in this case = 25%
If person E is, say, 28 years old, and person F is 32 years old, then F is only 6.25% older. Four years, here = 6.25%
The differential in age goes down as the ages go up, basically. This is relevant not because it's a math problem, but because the difference in our life experience also goes down exponentially as our ages go up.
Think about it: whose life experiences are going to be more different, a 10 year old and a 20 year old, a thirty year old and a forty year old, or a seventy year old and an eighty year old?
Between 10 and 20, you're at entirely different stages of life. Between 30 and 40? Not really nearly so much. Between 70 and 80? Less different stages of life still.
And the same holds true for 14 and 20... and 17 and 30... and 14 and 18. Age differences that cross major periods of life experience and maturation are simply going to be a bigger deal than age differences that don't. There's a lot less difference, in many many ways, between a 50 year old and a 30 year old than there is between a 25 year old and a 17 year old, simply because of the way human beings grow up, learn, and mature, and because of how these things happen in our culture specifically as well.
------------------ Hanne Blank Co-Editor, Scarleteen
Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!
bettie
Member # 78
posted 10-12-2000 08:26 PM
Thank you Hanne for putting it that way. It makes it so much clearer in my own head.
Daisyluv
Member # 446
posted 10-14-2000 12:44 AM
Personally i have a 3 year limit no one more than 3 years younger or older. I've dated like over my limit couple times and i didn't like it at all. This is just where i feel comfortable.------------------ *~ Daisy ~*
"Cute is for puppies, Adorable is for me."
TheneB
Member # 1643
posted 10-16-2000 08:54 PM
Well last 4 GFs ive had have been older then me, but all less the a year older ( my BDay is in Jan, so they are always a grade higher then me ) Well trying to keep biases aside from being in love with someone. As much as someone can, i KNOW i wouldn't date anyone more then 2 years younger then me. And i doubt id date anybody 2 years older then me. I like ppl my age. One reason i think this might be, is because if you ever met someone whom you wanted to marry, live with, be with for the rest of yoru lives, but your ages were more then 4 years different it would be dificult, if you both weren't finished Post secondary ( or HS for those who dont want to go to Post secondary ). So you could have the BF/GF starting a lifelong carreer and the other just starting university. I think this could be extra stress on a relationship. But i think in general love would transcend most things including ages.
ErinK
Member # 1371
posted 10-16-2000 10:36 PM
Well, I started dating my primary partner when he was 16 and I was 19. I was a sophomore in college, and he was a sophomore in high school. We both decided that we were too young to make life decisions together. That isn't to say that we didn't consult and support each other when he was picking a university to attend and I was picking a graduate school, but that we made decisions based on what was right for us and not necessarily based on what was closest.We figure that if we're going to be together for the rest of our lives, then the years we spend apart will not be the sum of our relationship but just a part. If our relationship ends, then we'll be able to move on with our lives without feeling like we sacrificed part of our youth for someone else. And we both have lives outside of each other as well as together, which at the very least gives us lots to talk about.
Yeah, I miss him. (He's coming to visit on Thursday, hurrah!) But I'm glad that he's going to school at a place he loves, and that I'm getting my Ph.D (which he thinks is neat and totally supports) at a place that's good for me.
erin
------------------ PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. -- Dave Barry
Altoid103
Member # 1869
posted 11-10-2000 04:23 PM
I think age does count if there's a big difference in maturity. once you're over 20 it doesn't really matter because a 20 year old and a 25 year old probably have a similar outlook on life, but if a 13 year old went out with an 18 year old, it wouldn't work because when you're 13 you're still in middle school and when you're 18 you're a senior in high school and you're thinking about college. You're just at completely different stages of your life and the relationship wouldn't work because of the difference in maturity. There's also the statuatory rape laws...
entropie
Member # 26
posted 11-12-2000 08:42 PM
<ashamed look>When I was 14 I was "dating" a 33 year old. Yeah, I know. Bad bad evil bad! At the time, it seemed OK, he looked after me (father figure), and things were easy with him.. but as mature and intelligent as I thought I was, I didn't realise that he was exploiting me for sex.
I'm quite suprised nothing bad ever happened, and that we were never caught (we dated for about 10 months). But even if we had been, I don't think anyone could have stopped me (since I knew everything!)..
It ended when I found out he was cheating on me with his ex-wife.
hmm..
Currently, I'm seeing someone who is 22, 3 1/2 years older than me.. and age has never been a problem (unless he decides to say "I remember when I was 18....")
entropie
------------------honeylaser's site
[This message has been edited by entropie (edited 12 November 2000).]
kmandmc
Member # 1830
posted 11-20-2000 05:09 PM
TO ALL THE HATERS OF AGE DIFFERENCES; U CANNOT DENY WHOM UR ATTRACTED TO. Iam 17 and a junior in high school(anybody have something to say??) anyways my b/f is 20. he will be a freshman in high school when iam going into my senior year in high school. there is nothing wrong with our relationship, he respects me and i do him. we make plans together for the future, and plan to stick to them. we are also best friends. we love each other, and plan on pursuing our eduacations together. so sometimes age does not matter when ur mature enough to handle it. please reply
Heather
Member # 3
posted 11-20-2000 05:24 PM
You know, km, by saying what you said what you are also saying is that say, a 40-year-old man attracted to a 4-year-old can't deny that either. I'm going to guess you don't think that's okay.It isn''t healthy to try and deny one feels an attraction. but accepting an attraction and aacting upon it are nothing close to the same thing, and there are many, MANY good reasons -- of which sometimes age difference is only one -- not to act on an attraction when it may not be healthy or appropriate for everyone involved, and that, my friend, is what we call maturity -- being able to act on something responsibly and with thought and consideration, and that goes well beyond sexual relationships.
'rin
Member # 1950
posted 11-21-2000 10:37 PM
i've got a point in life rule rather than an age rule.....my guy is 26, i'm 21. we're both graduating this january, i'm looking at grad schools he's looking for a decent job. the 5 years between aren't too noticable, we're both on the same page. if someone is at a radically differnt point in their life than i am in mine (even if it was a 21 year old guy who'd started an internet company or something and had a six figure salary instead of the collage job pitance i live on) isn't someone i feel like i can relate to. i like going through life together, not leading or being led.------------------ "-and i hope i'm not shooting my mouth off...again...and i pray i'm not tempting the fates....." -james, off millionaires
BeautyS
Member # 1383
posted 11-21-2000 11:40 PM
welll my first serious guy was 42 and i was 18. he was the same age as my mom. and yeah it was weird. i was a freshman in a college dorm room and my roommates would bring their guys over to party and stuff and i couldn't really do that. it's hard to chill with your friends with this parent aged person around. and we couldn't show PDA's people would think we were sick. the only good point i guess was i had an experienced person to try things out on and help me grow. since him my guys have gotten younger. 42-35-30...now i'm with a fabulous guy who turned 21 5 days after i turned 19. i think it really depends on the person and what they look for in a relationship and they're own level of maturity.
dickiesdike
Member # 18354
posted 06-25-2004 06:49 AM
well i'm 18 dating a 15 year old and it does make a big difference in some ways ......she is immature in ways and in ways she jsut like me ( and i'm very mature for my age)it all depends on how you look at it.... Plus i want to start having kids or starting a new life wiht my loved one and i really cant do that with her for another 3 years really but i love her very much and would chocie to wait for her cause i do really love her.... so no one can really say ....
wondering399
Member # 18687
posted 06-25-2004 09:24 PM
my boyfriend and i are only 13 months apart and i know that isnt a lot but i know someone who is 16 -almost 17- that is going out with a just turned 13 year old. i think that is wrong cuz the girl is so young. but that's just me on the age. what really matters is how the people feel about each other. if you love the person you are with the age difference shouldnt matter.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 06-26-2004 08:26 AM
...and yet, it often does.Love is great, truly. But more than love is required for a good, healthy relationship. Like a lack of power imbalances, like some level of commonality, like the same or similar agendas in terms of the relationship, and in this country specifically, like a sexual relationship, when it's present, being legal.
As you get older, the age gap closes a little bit each year because personal, emotional and physical development reach more similar levels. In other words, the difference between someone who is 14 and someone who is 19 -- a five-year-difference -- is a lot greater than the difference between a couple who are 30 and 35, with the same difference in years.
summergoddess
Member # 11352
posted 06-27-2004 01:46 PM
I have a 5 year age gap limit. The year I was 17, i went out on dates and dated guys from 18-22). Oldest was 22. Just a month before i turned 18, I started dating Isaiah. I was 17, and he was 18 (he was to be 19 in Dec). We've been together 3 years and are engaged now (have been like that for a month now). I'm soon to be 21 and he'll be 22 in Dec. Age was never a problem at 17, and is never is now either.------------------ ~Jules
[This message has been edited by summergoddess (edited 06-27-2004).]
Triple Tiara
Member # 18721
posted 06-28-2004 03:44 PM
Who knows why, but it seems like such a fad for 13 nd 14 year old girls to date guys 5 years + older than them. I think it's insane. I mean, I don't think that age is really a big deal but when girls are doing it just because their friends are, then it's just dumb. It's people like that who I think MAKE age a big deal. Because the ones who aren't sincere ruin it for everybody. Like the whole statutory rape stuff. Too bad some people can't have more good sense.------------------ If I wasn't meant to fly I wouldn't have these wings.
GlassTears
Member # 18959
posted 07-14-2004 01:10 PM
One of my ex-boyfriends was just old enough he could have been my father. Bad, yes, I know. Now I think the main reason I was ever with him was because he was like a father figure which I liked because I don't know my father. All my other ex-boyfriends have been a few months older to two and a half years older.
fluffyprinncess
Member # 18980
posted 07-14-2004 05:31 PM
My recent ex was 25, and I am almost 18. He was in the army and during the day had an adult life, but when he was with me at night, I think I took him back to being a teenager! That was all well and fine, but eventually, we couldn't keep up the relationship anymore, we were in 2 different stages in our lives, and it took a while to realize that. For instance there were things that b/c of parental control, I couldn't do with him and b/c of his age some places he couldn't go with me. I loved hime, but we decided that for the moment I needed to be 17 and he needed to be an adult.
acturexon
Member # 19054
posted 07-17-2004 04:35 AM
The big issue is dating between adults and minors. Sex with a minor, even when consensual or between two minors, is statutory rape.
------------------Take back the web. Firefox: the browser reloaded
wobblyheadedjane
Member # 11569
posted 07-17-2004 11:26 AM
Legally, yes, that's true, but if you look around Scarleteen's Ethics and Politics forums, you'll find quite a few discussions on why many people disagree with age of consent laws.
TheRealThing
Member # 19472
posted 08-16-2004 11:32 PM
I'm 14, and my last boyfriend was 22, he knew my age and we we're happy with it. But i couldnt help thinking it was a bit weird, and i also wondered, is it paedophilic if you want it and you love the person?
Maryha
Member # 7897
posted 08-17-2004 04:40 PM
I think Hanne and 'rin both touched on really important issues. . . It has a LOT to do with life experience. Generally, I wouldn't think it's a good thing for an elementary schooler to be dating period, as that's sexualizing children WAY too early. Middle school relationships are, well, just that, and sometimes probably go farther than is healthy, but having a "boyfriend" when you're both middle schoolers and nothing unsavory is going on. . . I don't see much harm. I wouldn't really condone a highschooler with a middle schooler unless it was a freshmen and an eighth grader, as that's only a year. And highschooler to college really depends. In highschool, I CERTAINLY wouldn't have dated a guy over 3 years older than me until I got to 18 and was dating a 22 (soon turned 23) year old. But, when it comes down to age difference, I think a lot of it is life experience and maturity. Though I'm nearly twenty and as a rule I could see myself dating a guy up to 9 years older than me, if a guy is 25 and has totally different life experience than me, I probably wouldn't do it. Like, for example, if a young person has a kid. . . They may be ready for a very different relationship and level of commitment than someone without. I think that if I felt like I was an equal with the person I was dating, than age wouldn't be such an issue. And, even there, feelings of being equal can be assessed wrongly. Age I think becomes far less of an issue once you get to be of legal age of consent just because that removes the illegality of the issue. If you're skirting around the law, there's bound to be difficulty in your relationship REGARDLESS of the validity of what a state considers to be the legal age of consent. I also find that, even though I am nearly twenty, since I'm still in school I can often feel a great disparity of life experience even with people my OWN age who have gone out and gotten there own place and are working full time to support themselves. So, long story short, life experience is a HUGE factor in my opinion.[This message has been edited by Maryha (edited 08-17-2004).]
Jennifyr
Member # 19551
posted 08-20-2004 11:14 PM
In my opinion it has a lot to do with maturity.I'm been through a lot in my 16 years and can relate to most adults better than I relate to most people my age.
This often gets me in trouble because it leaves me talking to people who are in their 20's or even 30's.
My boyfriend is 19, and we seem to be on the same level (I may be a little more relationship ready then he is actually).
I think anyone who wants to start a relationship with someone significantly older or younger then them should rely on intuition and keep aware of the legal aspects.
And be ready for some dirty looks if the age difference is noticible.
(Believe me, I head out with my stepfather, who's 34, to the mall or something, and we get tons of dirty looks because I look older and he looks younger and everyone thinks he's some "dirty old man", I'm thinking about getting him a shirt that says "I'm her father")
logic_grrl
Member # 8067
posted 08-22-2004 04:10 AM
quote: I'm 14, and my last boyfriend was 22, he knew my age and we we're happy with it. But i couldnt help thinking it was a bit weird, and i also wondered, is it paedophilic if you want it and you love the person?Well, technically "paedophile" refers to someone who is only sexually attracted to children , generally pre-pubescent children.
So that term wouldn't apply to your boyfriend anyway (although "hebephile" might).
However, sex between the two of you would still be illegal in the UK.
Even if you love and want someone, that doesn't automatically guarantee that the relationship is healthy or that it can't be exploitative or abusive (whatever age the people involved are).
And a relationship between a 14-year-old and a 22-year-old is likely to have some pretty major imbalances in terms of power, confidence and experience, however well-intentioned both people may be.
Macha
Member # 19631
posted 08-26-2004 05:56 PM
I'm new, so I hope this is finally the right place to post this:I'm assuming that because you guys are "sexperts", you've experienced quite a few things. So you probably can help me figure something out, even if it doesn't directly have to do with sex, but rather with relationships. My best friend, who is seventeen, is going out with a 27 year old. This really bothers me, and we've had a lot of arguments over it. She insists that it doesn't matter what their age is, as long as she's happy, but I think at our age 10 years makes a BIG difference. Besides, she's lied to her mom about his age, and even to her other friends. They don't have a sexual relationship, as far as I know, but she knows how I feel about their relationship so I doubt she'd tell me if they were. She can be really insecure, and I think it may only be a matter of time. Am I being a prude, or do I actually have something to be concerned about?
Maryha
Member # 7897
posted 08-26-2004 11:37 PM
I'm not a sexpert, but I just wanted to say that I sympathize. I have an eighteen year old friend who was engaged to a 27 year old when she was 17. I think they may now be married, or are waiting. It was very sketchy, especially because any time she told us (her friends) about him, the number of kids he had fluctuated between 2-4. Not to mention, they were both on the rebound when they got together and she is a VERY insecure person who basis her self-worth on whether or not she's with a guy. To make it worse, my friends who have met him tell me he's an incredibly creepy go. As for whether you should be concerned. . . I think it's a healthy concern. And I'm even open-minded about age differences, but guys that are so much older dating highschoolers tends to make me nervous too unless they are 18. However, I don't know there's much you can do about it without alienating her. In my opinion (and sexperts, correct me if there's anything else to be done), it would probably be best, now that she knows you don't approve, to support her as best you can. Because it sounds like there's the potential that there relationship will fall through. But if you try to fight with her, she may just become more loyal to him (I learned this with my friend). However, you might want to ask her why she feels the need to lie to her friends and family about his age if it's nothing to be ashamed of. I would say her parents should know, but then again if she's nearly 18 you might just get her in trouble and she won't speak to you again. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
Scott
Member # 19447
posted 08-27-2004 03:38 AM
Maryha, about being nervous about highschoolers dating men when they're not 18 yet, I can certainly understand it from a legal and societal perspective; in some places, the AoC is 18 (though that's getting to be rare now) and society for the most part still believes that the AoC is 18 virtually everywhere (few people bother to check).There are probably certain differences that come in general with age as well. But I think the most important thing to think about is why a person decides to be with another person. Yes, you can go with the idea that a person is insecure, but I think you might agree that that may be being a bit unfair to the relationship. Another way of putting it is, how much do you know of the relationship?
I remember another person (the person you're responding to perhaps) saying that a man a teen was dating was 'creepy', but who is the one deciding what is creepy and upon what criteria do they base their judgement on? Could the age difference have slanted their opinion from the beginning? I think these are the questions that need to be asked in what I think is undeniably a very ageist society.
Maryha
Member # 7897
posted 08-27-2004 03:24 PM
Scott, I am actually WELL aware that there are many issues related to large age differences that may factor in other than the actual ages themselves. Things like life experience and personality commanalities. In fact, most of my friends date older guys to a certain degree. When I was 18 I was dating a 23 year old, and being 19 now, I've dated a 26 year old and flirted with the idea of dating a 29 year old. I really am not ageist when I know the two people involved are in it for the right reasons. And when I say the right reasons, I don't mean to sound judgemental. It's just, my friend who might have married the 27 year old has always been incredibly clingy in relationships to an unhealthy degree. Because she has very little sense of self-worth she'll let guys overstep her boundaries (both emotionally and sexually) and IMMEDIATELY before she got together with the 27 year old, she had been used by two friends of his, 26 and 28 respectively. The only reason I have doubts about their relationship is because I've seen her behavior in previous relationships. I really didn't mean to sound ageist, because quite frequently I have an interest in older guys and I understand there are a multitude of factors more important than how old the person you are dating is.
dickiesdike
Member # 18354
posted 08-31-2004 08:37 AM
well i'm 18 dating a soon to be 15 yr old... we love each other so much i've tried the 2 years even 4 years older then me but they dont seem to care what i want and need but she does she also helps me tru anything in life htat i need help in so 3 years isnt that bad.............
Peanut505
Member # 19842
posted 09-08-2004 04:14 AM
I am 18 and my SO is 23. Our age difference is never a big deal, unless he wants to go see a band at the one 21 and up bar in town. Then we have guys/girls nights out. I think that our age difference is not a problem now because we are essentially at the same stage in our lives. Granted, I still have a couple more years of college (yes, only 2- I started early) and he already has his degree, so he is "ahead" of me in the education dept. Financially we are both on the same level. I own my home (trailer- but its still mine) and we both have paid off cars and no credit card debt or student loans. We are both working toward the same goals- saving for a down payment on a house, building credit, establishing our careers, etc. Having the same short-term goals is great, because we can more fully support one another and we really understand what is going on in the others life.
I will admit that when I was younger I "dated" guys that we way too old for me. When I was 13 I was "dating" an 18 year old (same age diff. as me and current SO, but so different!). I regret a lot of the decisions I made in the past regarding the age of my boyfriends. I wanted to grow up; I just couldn't wait. Well, now that its happened, I wish I had enjoyed my early teenhood a little more. I have only been an adult for a short time, and I am so tired already! But, there was nothing anyone could say or do to me at the time to convince me of this.