T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 107549
posted 12-06-2013 11:47 AM
me and my boyfriend broke up around 3-4 weeks ago. we're still really friendly with each other, we still hang out a lot, and it's really clear that we both still really REALLY love and care about each other. He says he wants to get back together in the future, that this breakup is just a breather, but it doesn't feel as if we've broken up at all.
should i keep my distance? and if i should, is there anything that cane make keeping my distance easier? we've become quite attached.... :s another thing, the other night, we had a backslide :s i'm quite unsure of what to feel. we both gave in to each other and we spent the night together. all we did was dry hump where both of us had our bottoms on and i gave him oral, and according to this site, i can't get pregnant from either of those things (right?). Anyway, i'm having trouble. i don't know whether to be ashamed of myself because i feel that was kind of wrong, but on the other hand, given our situation, i feel like we should get back together again, or just never backslide ever ever EVER again (but it's haaaaaard).
Member # 101745
posted 12-06-2013 12:09 PM
Have you seen this article about handling breakups? I think it might have some really helpful thoughts: I think the parts that might be really helpful here are the ones about really giving the other person a lot of space for a while, not staying in earlier patterns of spending so much time together. Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking It can be really hard to do this, especially when it isn't a really bitter breakup. But if you have those strong feelings for each other and love and want to support each other, those feelings will outlast taking a few months apart with little to no contact. Like you found out, spending a lot of time with someone you're broken up with can make it really harder to sort out exactly what your relationship is. And if you can really take that space, you don't have to worry about "backsliding" if you get caught up in feelings about how the relationship used to be. So really, what I'd suggest, is taking several weeks or months where you tone down your level of contact significantly - maybe don't see each other in person, only catch up once a week by phone or email, etc. This can be a great time for you to focus on you for a while: reconnect with other friends, spend more time on a hobby you love or learning a new one, reading a bunch of good books... take some time to do fun and positive things for yourself. =) About getting back together: I think it's really only going to work if both people can examine what didn't work before, talk about those issues, and find a way to work on them. And often it really does take some time apart to really be able to see, discuss, and tackle those problems. I remained close to a former partner, to the point where we hung out every day, some friends didn't even realize we had broken up, etc. And while it was nice for me to spend time with that person, it made really understanding that we were not dating and not going to date again for the foreseeable future, much much harder. Looking back on it, I do wish I'd taken a lot more space from them to give myself more time to heal on my own.