T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95256
posted 10-01-2013 01:35 PM
Hi Scarleteen! I haven't posted much in the forums, but now I need somewhere to vent and probably some wisdom.
I'm moving countries this month, and that means that my boyfriend of 5 months and I are breaking up. We've considered this ever since we started dating, and we decided that was the sensible decision, so we'd enjoy this adventure while it lasts. I honestly never thought that my first relationship would hit off so suddenly and quickly. We'd only known each other a few weeks before we started dating, and once we became a couple we already became sexual about two weeks into the relationship. We're both amazingly compatible, emotionally, intellectually and sexually. We've had our ups and downs but I honestly can't remember if we had a single serious argument those past 5 months. I am shocked at how well we've been going, especially for a first relationship for both of us, especially since we're teenagers. I can't say for sure if I capital L Love him, but I care about him very deeply and he's probably one of the greatest people to have appeared in my life so far. That's why it's so hard to break it off now. I've been planning on moving for years, and I thought that I'd be happy about it when it happens, but now my heart is breaking because I feel like we don't have enough time. He lives about 2 hours away from me, and first we had school, and now he's in university, so we didn't have much time to see each other in the first place. I just wish we could have had the buffer to let this relationship die on its own, so we'd break up like most couples do. And this Friday was meant to be our last proper date before breaking up, but it turned out that he's busy, and now we're facing the fact that it's almost over. We talked about doing long-distance, but we agreed that it won't work because we already go crazy without seeing each other for a week. We need to find a way to move on, but it's very hard for both of us. And I don't know if I'm ever going to meet someone with whom I'd feel that kind of connection, and he said that neither does he. We decided that we'd stay friends online, but it's gonna take time for me to truly move on and see him differently. We're both Queer, and I'm leaving him in a very homophobic country and I'm terribly worried about him because I have no idea if he's gonna be safe. I don't even know if we're ever going to see each other again. It's hard. It's like being given a very long, painful and fiddly injection and I've had some very hard moments over thinking of having to end this relationship before, but it all felt worth it when we spent our time together. And now we're in the final act and I feel terrible because of all the great moments together that we didn't have and how abruptly this has to end. I need help. I've talked about this with friends and they've supported me, but I need some sort of sign that we're going to be okay.
Member # 19081
posted 10-01-2013 02:02 PM
I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time of it right now. I'm not sure I can give you that sign you are after that everything will be okay but I will try. It is really great that you have had such a good relationship and you will have good memories of that which you can take with you when you go. I think also that if you have decided for sure that long distance won't work (which is fine as it does not suit everyone) then it might help you to not put too much of your focus on it being a "final act" and think of it more as a "we will see what happens and keep in touch" or something along those lines. It might help with the process of moving on. I also understand your concerns about leaving him in a country where homophobia is a huge problem, and that is a very valid concern, unfortunately though there isn't much you can do about that for him other than be supportive if you can. Moving is hard because change is hard, especially when it gets close to the move, I have had to do that too and it is very difficult so i do understand, however I think you might find that once you actually move you will feel a lot better about things, it is the process of saying goodbye which feels excruciating, it is sort of like a grieving process and it is never easy. But those feelings will not last forever, and once you move you will have lots of new and exciting things to look forward to, and the feeling of loss becomes a lot easier to feel as you are gaining so much at the same time.
Member # 95256
posted 10-02-2013 07:24 AM
Thank you, NixieGurl!
That line of thinking has definitely made me feel better before. I do like the rhetoric behind "freezing the relationship" instead of "breaking up". I honestly hope that we'll be able to see each other again for a prolonged period of time to give this relationship another chance. He said that he wants to leave Russia after university, but most likely he won't go to the country I will live in. However, I just never know where fate might take us, so I'm trying to keep my head high. It's still very hard to remain cheerful, though. I feel like there's a lot of pressure all around me, which is also related to all the bureaucracy of registering in a different country and having to finish it in time so I'll be able to get there before a really important event. I guess my brain is going through a lot of conflicts, because of the simultaneous desire to keep the status quo for as long as I can and finish off my moving as quick as possible. Calling it a grieving process feels incredibly accurate.
Member # 56822
posted 10-05-2013 08:47 AM
Any change in a situation where a "loss" is perceived can cause a grieving process. Grieving is a natural response to feelings of "loss". You get it with breaking up, you get it when coming to terms with illnesses, both physical and mental, and it can come with leaving home or getting a new/changed job. Basically, both negative AND positive changes can be stressful.
Be kind to yourself. If you can find someone neutral who you trust it might help to talk about things with them. When it comes to coming to terms with any change, it's fine to take as long as you need. But you will get the feeling if you need to talk with a neutral friend, or would prefer a good counselor. I personally feel that you are doing a pretty good job. Take care of yourself, trust your intuition, but "be present in the present" as much as you can. When you think about it, past and future really only exist as concepts, the Now moment is where all the wondrous stuff happens. [ 10-05-2013, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]