T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 75601
posted 09-03-2013 11:05 PM
Hey guys! I'm so sorry for posting so many relationship questions, but I'm so confused right now and I don't know what to do.
So my boyfriend Austin came to see me for a week after not having seen me for two months (we've been dating for a total of five months: three of those months were during the school year when we saw each other, the last two were during this summer when we were apart because we live far from each other). The two of us had a wonderful time and I really enjoyed getting to connect with him more and spend time with him. During this visit, we also did a lot of talking, and some of this talking included discussions about our romantic pasts. Austin and I actually share similar situations: we are each other's third romantic partner, and the last person that each of us dated was the person we each considered our first "real love." The difference here is that, up until me, Austin only ever been in long distance relationships (I don't count us as long distance because he can see me nine months out of the year, which is more than either of his previous girlfriends could). So his idea of love, unlike mine, is founded upon what it feels like to be in love long distance. Anyways, a few days after he went home, I started wondering if this relationship was going to go anywhere. We'd been dating for five months (by now it's almost six months), and I wanted to know if his feelings for me were growing and if he saw us being together long-term. The answer that I got shocked me. He told me that he really likes me and cares about me a lot, but exactly how much, he isn't sure. He told me it's because he has a difficult time grasping his emotions and expressing them, but I'm wondering if he really just isn't all that into me and doesn't have the courage to say so. He also says he doesn't want to be too hasty in saying whether or not he loves me, but by the same token, I would think that after six months, you'd have a pretty good idea of how you feel about somebody. I'll admit that I don't know for sure if I'm in love with Austin or not. But I know that I like him an awful lot. My concern is that if I let this relationship continue and spend more time with him, I will continue to fall for him and eventually fall in love with him, and he won't return those feelings for me. I guess what I'm asking is: should I give this relationship a little more time and wait until we can see each other more frequently before making my decision? We're still on summer break so we don't see each other very often. Or...should I just break up with him now so that I don't risk getting more hurt by waiting? If somebody could talk through this with me, I'd really appreciate it. I've gotten such varying advice, ranging from "break up with him now, you'll be less hurt if you just get it over with" to "wait a couple of months and see if anything changes." Please, please help me.
Member # 90293
posted 09-04-2013 08:41 AM
Hi Pocket mouse,
There's really no way to predict the future. You've outlined one possibility -- that you'll fall for Austin and he won't fall for you -- but there are many other possibilities, including that the reverse will happen. It sounds like it's very important to you to know what's going to happen in the future. It sounds too like it's less important to Austin to figure out what's going to happen next. Neither of you is right or wrong; this is just a difference in your outlooks. You ask if six months isn't long enough for someone to know how they feel about someone else. Not necessarily. We all develop feelings on different timelines. Again, neither of you is right or wrong in your approach to this. Is this relationship making you happy right now? What would happen and how would you feel if you broke up with Austin now to prevent yourself from possibly getting hurt in future?
Member # 75601
posted 09-04-2013 10:35 AM
Hey Robin! Thanks for your input
Yeah, it does tend to be very important to me to know what's going to happen in the future in any area of my life, including relationships. If it's less important to Austin to figure out what's going to happen next, does that mean that he's just not interested in the long-term potential of this relationship? I don't know if I want to date somebody that doesn't see me as a potential long-term partner. Do you think it's wise to date somebody whose feelings develop on a different timeline than yours? I have only been in two relationships previous to this one, so I'm not exactly sure what's normal in terms of mutual emotional development and what's not. To answer whether or not this relationship makes me happy right now: to be honest, before I asked Austin to be honest with how he felt about me, it was making me happy! I really like him, I enjoy spending time with him, and I enjoyed the way my feelings were growing for him. However, ever since we've had this conversation, I've felt kind of uncomfortable and uneasy about the whole situation because I'm concerned that if we keep dating, I'll fall in love and he won't. I know it's silly, but I got really hurt in my last relationship, and I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible. I'm not exactly sure what would happen or how I would feel if I broke up with Austin now. On one hand, it's possible that I could feel relieved of the discomfort and awkwardness I've felt recently upon finding out that Austin is unsure of just how much he likes me. On the other hand, I think I would be sad because up until now, I enjoyed spending time with him and getting to know him and whatnot. I don't necessarily want to throw that away over something that could be minor, you know? But by the same token, I don't want to stick around if I'm not actively wanted or sought after. What should I do?