T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 100711
posted 08-05-2013 08:37 PM
Sorry for all the postings today, had a free day and a few different things to vent. Basically, I've dated three guys in my life, including my current boyfriend of a year. My first boyfriend I knew for 2 years before we even thought of having something. We met in working ranch horse, a roping and cattle working club when I was 14. Last february he gave me his number and we started talking, a lot! When I started the program I told myself I wasn't there for a boyfriend, but to learn and I ignored anything he tried to throw at me, but it was obvious he was interested. Well, I turned 16, I'd never dated anyone, I was kind of curious so I just decided to talk some, but it was a huge turn on to know someone like him wanted me that much. He was the girl everyone wanted to date in the group and I felt so amazing that he wanted me and i got his time, it was like a victory over the other girls that had tried for years. Well, he eventually asked me out. I was really happy, but he wanted more than what I did, basically he wanted to go farther faster and didn't want to accept no.
I wouldn't say he was really abusive. I remember one day he wanted to kiss me and I wasnt ready and just kind of put my face in his neck. I have a cartilage earring and he reached up and grabbed it and pulled and I said ow and he said sorry but wouldn't let go, then tried to kiss me again and I turned away and he pulled my earring again and thats when I pushed his hand off. He had seizures and couldn't feel one side of his body, so I don't think he realized how strong he was. He was a farmer's son, so he was pretty strong from working. Then I went to help him work and he grabbed me and said "I know you want to kiss me" and I did, and this time he didn't grab my ear, but put his hand on my neck and when I tried to pull back he squeezed my neck to keep me there until he was done. I was raised with an abusive father, so I didn't consider it that bad, he was just a little rough, I still think much was from he didn't have the feeling to tell how hard he was. So, he broke up with me, said he didn't want to have a long distance relationship after all. Really it was because the week before we had been alone watching tv and he tried to touch me sexually and I just wasnt ready and he said ok, but acted annoyed. But I saw myself with him, he was everything I wanted in a guy, I really really liked him. I've been in a serious relationship for a year now and he's amazing and loves me and makes sure I'm always ok whether in normal day or when we have sex, he always stops if something seems off with me. Still, my current boyfriend is quiet, doesn't introduce me much in public, isn't very assertive with me. Being raised in the military I kind of wanted a more assertive man like my ex was. I didn't talk to my ex for a while, then went to one of the clinics in january, it was a no horse clinic, we were just going to listen to seminars. Well, my ex was all over me, he wouldn't stop talking to me, not even when I told him to go away. It was just the same as when he first came onto me. I was pretty pissed that he was trying it all over again when he had called it off, but secretly I kind of liked it. I was in a relationship with my current boyfriend already then and felt so extremely guilty. My current boyfriend knows what my ex did to me, how forceful he was and resents him a lot for it. Still, I have feelings for my ex, as much as I say no, I know I do. He was exactly what I wanted. We talk occasionally now, I've told my ex I want to be just friends and he knows I have a boyfriend. I want to ask him if he still likes me or misses me, but I can't, I'm in a relationship currently and I feel like I'm cheating just thinking about it. I'm sorry this is so extremely long, but I've had it bottled up for so long. Here's basically the truth, right now if my ex were to text me and say he wanted me back I would seriously consider leaving my relationship of over of year to take him back, even after everything. And it feels wrong, so extremely wrong. I don't know what to say to myself and my boyfriend definitely does not know about my other feelings. I need to get over this, I'm dedicated to my relationship, yet I want my ex back. Is it wrong? Am I cheating with these thoughts? I just need someone to talk me through this. I'm confused and fighting with myself over what to do.
Member # 95710
posted 08-05-2013 09:07 PM
I'm honestly unsure if I will be able to give any advice or helpful suggestions, but I want you to know that I have read this thread and can understand how you feel. It can be really hard to forget about someone, even if they hurt us or made us feel bad about ourselves for whatever reason. With regards to whether or not you are "cheating" because you are thinking these thoughts, it's really something only you can determine. It sounds like you really care for and about your boyfriend, though; and it doesn't sound to me like you're just tossing him aside, you know? What do you really want to do? Do you think this boy will be good to you if you ever decided to get back together with him? Would things be different? How do you feel when you're around either of these boys? I want you to know that I am thinking of you as you go through this. Please keep us updated!
Member # 100711
posted 08-05-2013 09:21 PM
The biggest of my fears is that my current boyfriend will think I don't care about him or that I'm going to leave him for my ex. I think the thing I still find attractive about my ex is that he wants me back, that he's still chasing me. and he was assertive with me. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is a little too shy. Not that it's always a bad thing, I just wish he was as touchy feely (I don't quite know how to describe it) with me in public as he is in private. In private, we're very affectionate and he's very talkative and more forward with me.
I feel like that's where my attraction comes from. Being raised in the military, my dad was very assertive and commanding with my mother. I've wanted someone like that. Not neccasarily verbally abusive or anything, but a man who takes care of me and tells me what to do, especially in public. I know that may sound kind of strange, but I want someone who controls me. It's definitely a trait my ex had that my current boyfriend doesn't show as much
Member # 100711
posted 08-07-2013 11:22 PM
so today I was pretty proud of myself. I was cleaning my room and tossing old stuff (getting ready to move to college) and I found an old magazine that had a picture of me and my ex and an article about an event we attended. I remember how happy I used to be when I looked at that picture. It was the only picture I had of us because he hated taking pictures and refused to take one of us together. Then I thought, wow, I cant believe how stupid I've been and how naive that I'd give up the great man I have now for this douche who wouldn't even give me a picture of him even though I'd asked a hundred times. Then I threw the old article right in the trash! so liberating!
Member # 90293
posted 08-08-2013 08:12 AM
Personally, I've found that while it's hard to let go of things, there will often come a point where letting go feels exactly right. A time of transition is often one of those times.