T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 72015
posted 04-15-2013 07:58 PM
I just got out of a two year relationship that was fairly coercive and toxic in many ways. I eventually saw the light and broke it off about three or four weeks ago, and I have been nothing but happy with my decision. This is the happiest I have been in a long, long time. I feel freer and more in control of my own life. However, when I think about this relationship, I feel horrible for having put up with all this **** for such a long time. When I talk to people, they tell me how happy they am for me and that at least now it's behind me. And I am happy about that too, but now I find myself being incredibly repulsed by the very idea of being in a romantic relationship with someone. Seriously, the very idea makes me sick, and even seeing a couple just makes me feel horrible. I feel as if my feelings will always be deceptive to me because I know the way I used to feel in the relationship - denying any negative things that happened, being so infatuated and in love, etc etc - and now I hate myself almost for spending so much time with him, loving him, and putting up with all of that, never even realizing how bad it all was. I feel like I can't trust my own feelings anymore because I'm so afraid something like this will happen again. I mean, I guess I've learned from this experience, but I can't help but be afraid.
I know this was a bunch of rambling, but I hope it made at least a bit of sense.
Member # 3
posted 04-15-2013 08:21 PM
Roxie: I know, to the degree you've shared here, how rough this relationship has been on you. I also know that doesn't always make it any less hard to leave, so good for you for taking care of yourself in this way.
You know, right after a breakup, especially also after a long relationship that wasn't beneficial to you, it makes sense not to have interest in getting into something else right away. It also makes sense for you to feel worried about winding up in something bad again: after all, you know how it can happen and how much it can suck. But honestly, we do live and learn. Often, we only really do fully learn about things like choosing and negotiating relationships, and processing them, with actual experience. This is one of those things where what we can learn in the abstract is just really limited.