T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95804
posted 04-03-2013 09:58 AM
Tried to keep this short but it's ended up quite long. Please read, and post any advice cuz I could really use it. Thanks.
Me an my (now ex) girlfriend started going out in November last year. She had never had any sexual experiences before. I had had a bit, but we're both virgins - both wanting to wait till marriage. We started seeing each other, and she wanted me to do things to her, and we both did everything but sex. She tells me she loves me at the end of December, but I didn't say it back so she ended things with me. She also says my previous ex is getting involved and she can't deal with it. We stay close, times she says she wants to kiss me when we're together. She goes on a date, I tell her I do have feelings for her - gave her a letter, text her and Facebooked her etc. - but she doesn't believe me, so I say am moving on. That same night she texts me - whilst with a group of friends - saying she misses the things we've done. We do everything but sex. Even tell each other how we feel for each other, and we should keep things as this for now and then work on our relationship. She then starts 'sexting' me the next day, and I go round because she wants more of what happened the night before, but we stop because her housemates are around. She then texts me saying she wants me to sleep with her, which was a bit out of the blue and am unsure about it. I say to do more of the other stuff first, and she agrees, wants me to go round the next day. She then get's a call from home and her brother is ill and she rings me and tells me we can't do any of this stuff anymore. I try to talk to her about it a few days later, and she claims she was drunk. She'd had a bottle of cider the first night and a bottle the next day at lunch. However she claims it was in her system and that's what made her act like she had done with me. I go on a date, my ex encouraged it. Then she said doing so proves I never meant anything I ever said to her. Jealousy? I don't know. But anyway, this new girl caused more problems. Started emailing and harassing my ex to the point were my ex contacted the police. She blames me for causing drama - when it's not my fault. Few days later, when she's drunk, she Skypes me. Tell's me a friend of mine tried to kiss her but she didn't. Then said her and her friends don't like me because of the way I treated her. Then she said "no I do like you" - dunno in what way - but said I can't fix what's happened. Next day she claims she can't remember anything that was said and I shouldn't take it to heart because she was drunk. We say to try as friends, but she says she can't be a proper friend to me because she's worried about drinking around me because she'll 'want me'. Then she says she doesn't want it to happen, and it won't... but can't risk it in case it does. I say to cut contact. Then I had some trouble with my bro and she helped me out. I said to try as friends but she said no. She's now saying I'm a dick, and she feels I blame her for the relationship ending - when I've said I don't. She says I can't fix it and it'll take a lot more than just texting to fix things. She told me to leave her be for a while, which I am doing. It's been a week with no texting or calls. Is there a way anything good can come of this? Did she mean it when she said she loved me, or was it that she just 'lusted' after me? Because if she loved me she wouldn't be treating me like crap at the moment, would she? Or would she? I dunno. I haven't spoken to spoken to her in a week now. She's blocked me on Skype and Facebook, but kept me on Twitter. Commented on one of my Tweets the other day - even when she said to not bother with her for a while. Not sure if it was an insult or whether she was joking - my friends think she was attempting to flirt but I dunno. I said about how I tried some new style of clothing, but didn't like it cuz I looked like an idiot. Along those lines anyway. She replied with "must be an improvement then....". So yeah. What's the deal? Does she have feelings for me? Does she still 'like' me? Is she lying to me about being drunk? Thanks!
Member # 95598
posted 04-03-2013 11:10 AM
First off, this does not sound like fun and I'm sorry you're going through this.
What strikes me about what she's said to you is how much she seems to put all the onus on you for your relationship not working out, when (from what you said) she seems to be the one who has taken a lot of actions that have negatively impacted your relationship. It's okay to not be ready to say "I love you", and going out on a date with someone else--especially after you've broken up with someone--hardly means that your ex meant nothing to you. Also, I'd watch how sexual you get with anyone who's had something to drink. Especially if she says she's drunk--in that case, she can't consent, as she's not in a sound state of mind. And what she's said while she's been drunk-skyping you (and then taking it back, or not remembering what she said) kind of has the same ring to it, since she's not in a sound state of mind. Nobody but this girl can tell you whether her feelings for you were love or lust or something entirely different, but it doesn't sound like she'd give you a straight answer at all. She doesn't exactly sound like the most stable person, and I'd advise staying away from her as much as possible. Take her blocking you on Facebook and Skype and run with it, and I'd also un-follow (un-friend? I don't know much about Twitter) and block her on Twitter if you can. (I'd say block her on all your social media. Not as revenge for her blocking you, but to keep someone who does not sound healthy for you out of your life.) She sounds like she's emotionally manipulated you quite a bit, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and that is not part of a healthy relationship of any kind. If you want my two cents, though, I'd say it sounds like she does not like you at all in a romantic way, or even as a friend, but perhaps as a sort of emotional punching bag, which is totally not okay. Were I you, as I've said, I'd do everything in my power to steer clear of her, especially in a romantic context, and focus on building relationships with people who are more stable.
Member # 106973
posted 04-03-2013 02:57 PM
I can see how you would be upset by this because it certainly seems to have gotten very confusing, and i'm glad you came here to get some perspective. It sounds like things moved quite quickly for both of you though, which can be damaging in the long run if you two didn't connect with each other on a more emotional level. And since you didn't say "I love you" to her, perhaps that deeper emotional connection was what you were missing. From how you describe her though, this girl seems to be quite reckless with her drinking and general behavior, and CSand is right, that's always a red light. I'd say she may have feelings for you, and she may 'want' you in a physical way, but nothing good can come out of indulging those desires. The break you're taking now is great, and I think it's the right, if slightly difficult move to make. If you want to eventually have a healthy relationship with this girl, romantic or not, the only way would be to give each other this space and understand what you're looking for in this relationship. Are your feelings only physical? Or do you want to actually have a meaningful relationship with her? You should take this time to figure that out and decide if you actually love her or even want to be around her because otherwise, it's best to cut the cord before she brings more serious drama your way.
Member # 95804
posted 04-04-2013 10:29 AM
My feelings for her aren't just physical, no. I think the physical aspect makes things difficult for me to let go, because before me, she'd never been physical with anyone, in a sexual way, and I've been more physical with her than I have been with anyone else. But, no, my feelings for her are emotional, not just physical. I'd love to have a meaningful relationship with her, and before the whole 'I love you' situation, we did. I do have feelings for her though, feelings I've never had for anyone before.
Since she said last week to not contact her, I haven't. I've been going out with friends a lot recently, enjoying myself etc. and I've been updating on Twitter. Last night she text me, asking who I've been out with, and claiming that 'other people' have been questioning her as to who I've been having a good time with. She also said that I'd tell her unless I was doing it for attention, as I've posted all over Twitter. I hadn't, I'd put three updates, that was it. I told her it didn't matter who I'd been out with, and nobody else should be getting involved, she claimed to agree. She then said she doesn't know why people are wanting to know when it's not their business, but I should tell her who I've been out with. I didn't, because it's none of her business. She stopped texting and just replied with 'ok', when I wouldn't tell her. Now I don't understand this. I doubt anybody would be asking who I've been out with, so why is she taking an interest? Why is she even bothered, or would he friends be asking her who I've been out with?
Member # 3
posted 04-04-2013 11:25 AM
It doesn't sound like you two took any real time and space away from each other after you split, including time and space away from each other online. Do I have that right?
If so, I'd say that a whole lot of this sounds like what can tend to happen when people don't do that, and I'd advise making that space now, and clearly. Like, by being clear you need it, you think it sounds like she could use it for for a given time period -- let's say something like a few weeks to a few months -- you need to be separate to get back into your own lives separate from each other, so no phone calls, online, etc.
Member # 95998
posted 04-04-2013 11:35 AM
I hear you expressing an emotional interest in this girl, but really it doesn't seem like she's treating your emotions in a healthy way. She tells you not to contact her, but then she contacts you only to inquire about who you've been enjoying yourself with? Frankly, that's not a good sign to me either, and I have to agree with CSandSourpatch in that this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what's going on here, but it seems like she's causing you more unhappiness than happiness. How do you feel about the way she's treating you? Also, I agree with what others here have said about taking time and space away from each other. [ 04-04-2013, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 95804
posted 04-09-2013 09:31 AM
Well here's an update.
She complained about my Tweets, because she said she thought I was doing it for attention, and mutual friends were apparently asking her if me and her were back together, and she didn't want the 'aggravation'. She then tells me I'm nothing to her and she wants nothing to do with me. I say to try as friends, but she says no because I involved her with my brother and the 'trouble' he got involved with. Basically, he tried some small time drugs, started being sick whilst I was looking after him. Didn't want my parents knowing just yet, so turned to her for help, because I trusted her more than anyone. She was amazing, really helped me out, but feels it was disgusting I contacted her because her own brother died due to drugs. She says that's why we couldn't be friends, so I tried to tell her I didn't do it to hurt her, I asked her for help because I trusted her, so kept on apologising. She said I came with 'too much drama' and didn't want to know me, but eventually said we'd be civil, but she'd never help me with anything. I suggested we go out for coffee to talk things through, she tell's me I cant keep texting her and we can't meet up because she has a new boyfriend - already, after a month of me and her 'rekindling' and he telling me she loved me. Now, the reason me and her are waiting for marriage before we have sex is because we're both Christian, and what we did we both felt was a mistake. She tells me her new boyfriend isn't a Christian, so I tell her to be careful, just in case he pressures her into something she's not ready for - I'm not saying he would, but to just be careful. She tell's me I don't need to tell her and I should focus on myself. I then find out she's been talking to a girl I went on a date with. I met up with her the beginning of February, when me and my ex had split up. I wasn't ready to move on, still had feelings for my ex so didn't pursue it, was still in contact with me ex. Me and her 'rekindle' the end of February, and then she pushes me away. I go on another date the beginning of March which doesn't go well - she was sending my ex the emails - but my ex then accused me of basically three-timing her. She then accuses me of using the fact my brother was ill from drugs as a way at getting back at her, so she was reminded of her brothers death. I lost it, told her I wanted nothing to do with her again, especially if she thought I could be so sick to do something like that to hurt her. I told her she was a liar, and manipulative, and not acting 'very Christian' and I want nothing more to do with her again. She rings me, says my text was disgusting and that she's not a liar, thinks I'm disgusting for involving her with my brother and said I'm spreading lies about her and for attacking her faith. She then hangs up. I text a few hours later telling her all this needs to stop, I apologised for attacking her faith and saying she was a manipulative liar, but said I didn't want to be near her anymore and don't want anything to do with her again. I didn't hear back. Was what I did okay, or too far? She's already telling people I've treated her horribly and she can never forgive me, nor can she believe I've been so abusive. Am I in the wrong here?
Member # 3
posted 04-09-2013 09:41 AM
I feel really lost in all of this.
I'm not sure if it's because of how it's written, or missing context, or if I feel lost because all of this is so confusing that anyone -- including you -- would feel lost. But I'm not sure I'm understanding why you two are still in any contact at all, or talking about each other in social media, if you are, at all? I asked about taking space after your split earlier: looks like neither of you are taking any still? Also, HAVE you stopped texting her when she asked you to? If not, then yes, you certainly need to, and continuing to text her when she's asked you not to is harassment, just like if you asked her not to call you and she wouldn't stop it would be. Both of you needs to respect the other's requests for lack of contact. I'd say it's clear that if both of you are setting those limits then caving or reneging on them, you -- since you're the only person you can control -- need to really hold those lines on your end per non-contact. [ 04-09-2013, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]