T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 103671
posted 03-23-2013 09:13 PM
(I posted about this on another board, but I don't think it was appropriate there, so I'm moving the topic here.)
I'm in a longterm relationship, but my bf has recently expressed doubts that it's going to continue after college. We haven't decided anything, but it's looking more and more likely that he will not want to do long-distance because we'll be very far apart with no clear end-date. I'm feeling very conflicted. On one hand, he's my best friend and I'm really sad to see this come to an end, especially because this relationship brought a lot of new, important experiences. On the other hand, while I think I could do a LDR (especially with this guy), I'm not ready to plan my life around someone else. I'm also scared of the "single life." I don't know how to meet people, but it seems like the only way is to go hook up, especially now that I won't be in school anymore. I'm not conventionally attractive at all, and going home with people I meet at parties/bars/wherever seems really unappealing. But it takes me a long time to build up trust for emotional/physical intimacy, and I don't know how to do that outside of a relationship.
Member # 25425
posted 03-24-2013 07:07 AM
Continuing a relationship past college can be tough, as our life plans don't always match up neatly. When you say you and your partner haven't made any decisions, does that mean that you have discussed your options but have not made any final decisions yet, or that you have not talked much about it at all? Is long-distance your only option, or can you apply for jobs/grad school in the same area? Is there a distance you'd both be okay with for a while (say, being able to visit every weekend), or is long-distance automatically a deal breaker for you two?
I'd say that, before you start worrying about dating again, you'll first want to take the time to explore your options more in depth, especially since it sounds like you are happy in this relationship and would prefer to stay in it. Here are some articles that may help with those conversations: Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models If and when you've come to the conclusion that you want to end the relationship, we will be happy to talk to you about how to enter the dating pool again. It's safe to say, though, that you will be fine as a single, and that you will meet new people and potential partners, and that you won't need to do things you are not comfortable with to get there. If hooking up is not for you, it's not for you, and there are other ways to meet new people
Member # 103671
posted 03-24-2013 01:55 PM
We haven't decided what we're going to do. We've agreed to talk about it in the next few months, but we haven't come to a decision. While he originally seemed interested in an LDR, he's now been dropping hints that he's hesitant about keeping up the relationship.
We both have jobs that we're excited about, but they happen to be thousands of miles apart. We'll be making enough money that visiting is feasible, but between travel and limited time off, I don't know how much we'll really be able to see each other. I was okay with an LDR because we've been long-distance (with no visits) for months at a time before, and we were fine. But it's not clear when/where we'll be able to be together again. I also don't want to do an LDR if he's clearly not invested in it.
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 03-24-2013 03:20 PM
It can be a long process sweetgreendreams, it sounds like you're talking about it with him. There may not be a perfect solution and it sounds like your sensing his desire to not continue the relationship in this way.
From my experiences of friends relationships, some aim to have a long distance relationship and break up, while others decided to break up and got back together to form a long distance relationship. So although it might feel like the last decision you get to make about the relationship it really isn't. That's not to say it's not scary anyway, but if you go with what feels best for both of you now and keep talking about how you're feeling and what you want to happen and also be open to what each of you might have to say even if it's difficult, then you'll be making a well informed decision and it will also be a decision you can improve on if you change your minds. Take a read of the articles joey posted, I'm wishing you the best of luck. [ 03-24-2013, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]
Member # 103671
posted 03-24-2013 05:32 PM
Thanks, Jacob and Joey. I read the articles.
It's hard to know what to do with our relationship now that I know there's a good chance it won't survive much longer. I don't know how to interact with him, or what I'm going to do with all of our years of memories, texts, pictures, etc. As I said above, I really have no idea how to meet people. I'm moving to a big city after college, but the culture there is one that seems different for what I'm looking for. Everyone I know met their SO in school (mostly undergrad though possibly grad school) or are perpetually single. It doesn't make me feel hopeful.
Member # 102566
posted 03-25-2013 01:12 PM
Since you're moving on account of your job, I'm going to discount the option of not moving there, for now. Though the culture may be a bit different than what you're familiar or comfortable with, it may just take living there to find out if it's your fit. And we can think about what your options are if you 100% can't find people around you to whom you can relate, but there's many ways to meet people that we can cover, until you decide that! Also, out of curiosity, what are your thoughts on meeting someone via an online dating service?
Member # 25425
posted 03-25-2013 01:26 PM
In addition to the option of online dating, you'll also meet lots of new people at your work, in your apartment building, at classes/clubs/sports you could attend/join, at the coffee shop you'll stop by on your way to work, etc. And if none of these new friends are it, maybe one of them will have a sibling or roommate who is. There'll be lots of opportunities to meet a potential partner.
Member # 46170
posted 03-25-2013 01:38 PM
Also, if you feel that most of the people you know have met their current SO through school, it's probably because with people who are going through undergrad and grad school that is where they spend most of their time and where most of their social circle comes from. In other words they have met their SO at school because school is where they've spent most of their time not because school is the only place to meet partners. Once that changes, and peoples social circles and main places of being aren't school related, I think you'll see a shift in where people are meeting their SO. So just because you'll no longer be in school doesn't mean there won't be plenty of opportunity to meet other people.
[ 03-25-2013, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: skiesofgreen ]
Member # 103671
posted 03-25-2013 08:41 PM
Allie: I have thought about online dating, and some of my friends have had good luck through OKCupid and other sites. I don't want to rush into it, but I'll definitely consider it if I don't meet people more organically.
Joey: that's a good point. Come to think of it, I met a previous boyfriend waiting in line somewhere, so it's possible to have totally random encounters. skiesofgreen: Makes sense. My point was that many of the older people I know met their SO's in undergrad, so it feels like I'll have somehow failed if I didn't. Like all the nice guys met their girlfriends in undergrad, and they'll be no one left over or something. But I could just be looking at a few random people. My parents met after undergrad, for example.