T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 96191
posted 02-26-2013 10:13 PM
Hi all, I haven't been on in a while but this thing came up and I wanted to talk about it here first. I think it'll be easier to explain here.
There's this guy that I've known since the beginning of freshman year. I thought he was nice but I never really felt physically attracted to him. We interacted as dance parters on a dance team during first semester, but he wasn't very good and I got kind of frustrated. I could tell he liked me but he was making absolutely no move about it, and I felt like he was only coming to practice because I was sort of making him go (I needed a partner and I had heard he was interested in joining). Fast forward to this year - I'm a sophomore - and I run into this guy again at a party and we talk for about an hour. I was kind of intoxicated at the time but I was intrigued to see him and I figured he still liked me so I struck up a conversation. That night I thought, maybe something could happen between us, but I wasn't sure and decided to, in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, think about it tomorrow. A few days ago, I received a message on one of those anonymous college confession pages that are popping up all over the place. He (sort of) asked me out, said he had always liked me and wanted to see if there was something there. I knew it was him since he referenced the party we had talked at. I texted him a few days later saying I was interested in meeting up sometime, but not for another week because of midterms. I was kind of excited after texting him, but then that night and through today (this is the day after I texted him) I have felt like I've been on the verge of a panic attack constantly. I couldn't concentrate in class at all because I couldn't stop thinking about next week. I feel like I'm about to enter in an arranged marriage. I know this is completely irrational - it's just one date - but I couldn't stop thinking about all the stuff that would happen if we got together, me being completely inexperienced in the whole dating/sex realm. I think I dreamed last night about having to decide how many children to have with him, and before that I couldn't stop thinking about having sex with him - not in a good way, like in how awkward it would be because I'm a virgin and do I even want to have sex with him. I know he's physically attracted to me but I am still not sure if I am physically attracted to him. All day today I was afraid I would run into him between classes and didn't go to dinner because a) I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep food down and b) I didn't want to run into him at dinner. I've also been trying to calm myself down by telling myself that we would only have to date for 3 1/2 months maximum because I'm going to London next year, but why do I feel like I'm obligated to date him in the first place? I don't know where this is coming from. I have no idea why this is happening to me. At first I thought I'm just so used to being single that I'm scared to change that, but I feel like this is something different. I think I'm just not really into this guy, but I'd feel bad if I canceled the date. Plus part of me says just do it so you can say you've been on a date, or go as far as kissing so you can get your first kiss out of the way and be better next time. I am really sorry this is so long. I want to call my mom about it or talk to my friends but maybe someone here is more familiar with what I'm going through. I also have a relationship counseling group thing on Friday but I'm not sure if I can wait that long. Thanks!
Member # 101745
posted 02-27-2013 12:32 AM
You know, I honestly don't think a dating or sexual experience that's done just to get it out of the way is going to be particularly enjoyable or healthy for anyone involved. If you're going to be sexual with someone, it's best to come at that experience from a place of mutual desire and trust, not a feeling of "well, I may as well kiss you so I can say I've kissed
someone." It's probably not going to be very fun for you, and if I was kissing someone I liked and later found out they had just been kissing me to get a first kiss out of the way, I'd be pretty sad about it. It sounds like the idea of a date with this person is making you pretty anxious; it's ok to change your mind and tell him you'd rather not go on a date with him. It might hurt his feelings, but if you're this upset at the thought of dating him and what pressures that might put you under (sexually and otherwise), it may be better to just withdraw gracefully. It's definitely normal and ok to have some pre-date jitters, but not being able to eat out of worry doesn't sound like a happy fluttery excitement, it sounds more like dread. Which is not really the general mood you want to have when you think about dating someone. But if you do decide to go, remember that just because you do on a date with someone, you are under no obligation to do anything else. A date doesn't mean you have to kiss someone, kissing doesn't mean you have to do anything else, etc. I'm hearing that you aren't feeling like you're particularly attracted to him and aren't sure you're interested in being sexual at all but are still feeling some sort of obligation to give this a go with him. Looking back at some of the things you wrote last year, are you still feeling frustrated at not having been in a sexual relationship at this point? I do not want to minimize that frustration at all, but I have to say that even if it's frustrating to not have the sort of relationship you want, trying to force it with someone who you don't really feel attraction to is probably not going to be a positive experience in the long run.
Member # 96191
posted 03-06-2013 01:56 PM
Hi, sorry I'm just responding. I used to get email notifications with these but for some reason I didn't... anyway, I'm wondering if what I'm scared of is that I'll realize for sure that I'm not really into him and I won't know how to tell him. In the past I have had a hard time letting guys know directly that I'm not interested, and I think it ends up hurting them a lot more than if I had just said something. I'm not nearly as nervous as I was before, and I think we're going out tomorrow night, but I've seen friends of mine stick around in relationships longer than they should have because they didn't know how to tell a guy they weren't as invested as the guy was, and I'm worried I'll be too scared to say something and end up stuck.
Member # 102566
posted 03-06-2013 02:44 PM
First, sorry to come in late-conversation- I acknowledge how scary it might be to tell someone "no" in fear of hurting their feelings. But like Mo said, and believe you me, it's nicer to do that than to lead someone on- which you do seem to be aware of. Just because your friends have been in relationships longer than what was good for them doesn't mean you're going to do the same! When you realize exactly what you are/aren't looking for, whenever that may be (pre-, mid- or post-date), something to think about would be to establish that with him; that might be beneficial both his and your feelings. Does that sound good?
Member # 101745
posted 03-06-2013 05:23 PM
It can be really hard to tell someone you're not interested in dating them, especially if you get the idea that they're really into you. You say you aren't sure how you'd tell him that, and I think it's best to keep things short and simple. If he asks you on another date and you aren't interested, something like "it's sweet of you to ask, but no thanks" or "sorry, I'm just not interested" is fine. It may sound kind of blunt, but if you couch it in language like "not right now" or "I'm busy then" it's possible that he'll think you might want to date him in the future and I think it'll cause more stress for you in the long run.
Something that may be helpful to keep in mind: "no" is a complete sentence. If you say no to another date and this guy pesters you for a list of reasons, or tries to wear you down, you really don't owe him any further discussion of why you aren't feeling it.