T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 79128
posted 01-20-2013 04:16 PM
My ex and I broke up six months ago. I tried to keep minimum contact with him because I realized he wasn't good for me (selfish, never sacrificed for me or put me first, always blamed me for things I didn't do), but though I got over it somewhat, I think I'll always have some feelings for him because he was my first love. A close guy friend of mine, who I've known for about 3 years, admitted in November that he has had feelings for me for 2 of those 3 years. I started getting a crush on him back because he was so sweet and sincere about his feelings toward me, nothing like my ex. However, he smokes, drinks, and hardly ever seems to have any time for me. After his blowing me off for the 4th or 5th time, I started to see my feelings fade. I need to feel important. Around this time, my ex contacts me, and seems like a totally different person, taking full responsibility for hurting me and not treating me as he should have, begging for another chance. I tell him I'd be his friend, but it would take serious time and prayer for me to ever trust him or date him. He was game. I tried ending things with my friend, but he isn't willing to let me go. I think I'm still in love with my ex and I don't want to lead him on, but I feel so stupid for even thinking of going back. Should I tell him I reconnected with my ex? Should I give my ex another chance or forget him? Help!
Member # 90293
posted 01-21-2013 07:47 AM
I'm a little unclear. It sounds like you want to be friends with your ex for a while, and just see where things go. You're also voicing this in terms of "going back" to your ex, which sounds like you're going back to a relationship with him. Could you say more of what you mean here? I'm also a little unclear about the nature of your relationship with your friend. Are the two of you in a romantic relationship? You're voicing that your feelings for him have faded. Do you still want to be in a relationship with him? I'm hearing a lot about what these guys have done and wanted, but I'm not hearing a lot about what you want and how you feel--in general, as well as about these guys. For example, you don't need your friend's permission to be friends with your ex. Could you say more about what makes you feel that you do?
Member # 79128
posted 01-21-2013 05:32 PM
I'm sorry! I'll try to be more clear. My ex wants me back. I told him that we'd have to be friends first so I can learn to trust him again, because after all, he did hurt me. My friend is too busy for a relationship with me, but claims he really does like me and wants to be with me. I tried the whole "relationship without commitment" thing with the friend for a few months---he would bail on our plans, hardly ever have time to talk to me, and also smoked and drank, activities I'm not okay with, as he already knew. Around the same time my ex started contacting me, I was deciding I couldn't do whatever I was doing with my friend. I wanted the time and commitment of a relationship and he couldn't give that to me. Naturally, my friend flipped out when he learned that my ex was back in the picture and assumed that's why I was losing interest. My ex was more mature and said he'd be whatever I needed him to be while I made my decision. I ended up telling both of them that I just needed to be their friend while I sort my own issues and emotions out. But on the inside, I feel so guilty for hurting my friend because part of me did lose interest in him because my ex came back. I feel scared of liking my ex again because I don't want to get hurt. Am I making the right decision by just staying neutral?
Member # 79128
posted 01-21-2013 05:35 PM
I'm honestly not sure if I ever fully got over my ex. I'm beginning to wonder if my friend was just me trying to rebound. I hated hurting him by telling him I couldn't keep up whatever we were doing, but part of me knew I had unresolved feelings for this ex, and I need to sort those out.
Member # 90293
posted 01-21-2013 06:38 PM
It sounds like what you were doing with your friend wasn't working for you, whether or not your ex would have come back into the picture. It's really caring of you to feel bad about hurting your friend, but it does sound like you weren't very happy in that type of relationship.
Since you're wavering on what you want right now, friendship sounds like a sounder choice for you (for the present, anyway) than a relationship you're not fully ready for or not fully happy in. What I'm hearing is that this is working for you but that you're concerned about/feel bad about the impact it's having on these guys. Am I hearing that right? It sounds like you are feeling pretty alone with all of this. Do you have any friends outside of your connections with these two guys in whom you can confide and from whom you can get nonjudgmental suppport.