T O P I C ††† R E V I E W
Member # 42492
posted 10-18-2012 02:38 PM
Well, Iím not superstitious in general, but I havenít told anyone IRL about this, and just now convinced myself that Iím not going to ruin anything by posting on here.
So here we go again. Thereís this guy. Iíve known him pretty much ever since Iíve moved here, but this semester Iíve spent more time with him. It wasnít until maybe a month ago that I fully realized that I liked him, but when I think back itís probably been a lot longer than I initially realized. I know weíve always flirted a bit, and I never meant to before but it just came naturally. Which is weird, because Iím usually horrible at it and it certainly hasnít ever come naturally before. And I really think that he likes me, too. About a week ago, we were both invited to a party. Since we live very close to each other, I offered him a ride, and he accepted. We kind of paired off and hung out together pretty much the entire time. And ever since then Iíve been sort of waiting for something to happen. I saw him a couple days ago and everything was normal. I also get the impression that our friends may have noticed that every time they see us at meetings and events this semester, weíre always together. The thing is, I sort of donít want to be the one who makes the ďfirst moveĒ. I know itís silly, but I kind of have the desire for him to initiate things with me. But then, if Iím right, heís liked me for longer than Iíve liked him and hasnít tried anything yet, so what if he never does? But Iím also nervous. I know I shouldnít be. The last time I ďmade the first moveĒ, nothing ended up happening and it was awkward at first, but weíre fine now. And it probably would have taken longer for me to move on if I hadnít said anything. Iím toying with the idea of just being bold and saying something like ďjust so you know, I like youĒ next time weíre alone. Or maybe going less bold and just offer him some food next time I cook. The nervous part of me, as always, is telling me to give this some time. But then the other part is telling me that weíve had enough time. I know weíve had similar conversations before on here, but I just really wanted to tell someone, and maybe get some reassurance/advice or something, and Iím not ready to tell anyone that I know in person yet.
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2012 03:39 PM
You know, personally I think that we/people can often think that when it comes to pursuing dating someone, the magic is all in the ask or approach. In other words, if we just ask the right way -- or wait for them to -- and get that all right, what we want to happen will happen.
In reality, I think the truth is that we're interested in who we're interested in. Someone we have interest in who asks us to go out with them in the most fumbling way possible, or does every "wrong" thing in our minds with that? We'd probably still say yes. Someone we don't really have interest in who does everything "right?" We'll probably still say no. So, I think putting a lot of focus on to ask or not to ask and how often isn't all that sound. Someone has to put something out there. We can wait and see if the other person will do it, or we can just take the initiative. What we do with that really just depends on what we're comfortable with, want, and are willing to risk. That said, if you're asking me, I'm a person who thinks that more times than not, folks lose out when they wait for things to happen they want. Sure, sometimes that does work, but I'd say that more often we will get what we want -- if we're going to -- because we make clear what it is we want and are active in seeking whatever that is out. It's the deal with any kind of interpersonal experiences or relationships that sometimes things are going to happen, other times they aren't. Not everyone we pursue friendships with will wind up a best friend, or even more than a passing acquaintance. In the same vein, not everyone we want to have romantic relationships with will wind up being someone we have those relationships with, no matter what we do or don't do.
Member # 42492
posted 10-18-2012 07:45 PM
I know you're right.
I think it also helps that the last time I did it, even though it was kind of embarrassing, I'm still glad I didn't. Because I kind of think knowing that someone isn't interested is better than being stuck wondering if they are or not. On another hand, I feel a little self conscious because the other guy that I approached a few months ago was part of the same organization, and My friend attempted to set me up with another guy in the organization. My roommate says that's perfectly normal because that's who I socialize with, but I'm a little afraid of becoming "the girl that tries to date every guy in the group". That being said, I have no indication that the other guy told ANYONE, and I don't see him doing anything to embarrass me, and only 2 people who I'm close to know about the other guy. So it's possible this may even be a non-issue.
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2012 07:48 PM
I'm with your roomie on this one.
Member # 42492
posted 10-18-2012 08:44 PM
Thanks. I think that probably, the next time it feels like a good time, I might say something.
Member # 42492
posted 10-19-2012 09:41 AM
One other question though, one I've been wondering about for a while.
When you like someone (particularly if you like them quite a bit), I know it's normal to think about them, but how much is too much? When does it cross over from a healthy infatuation to an unhealthy obsession?
Member # 27731
posted 10-19-2012 11:14 PM
quote: Originally posted by Atonement: One other question though, one I've been wondering about for a while. When you like someone (particularly if you like them quite a bit), I know it's normal to think about them, but how much is too much? When does it cross over from a healthy infatuation to an unhealthy obsession? I found the following to be really helpful in recognizing the differences. quote: http://www.womansavers.com/love-infatuation-obsession.asp Infatuation is... ...that giddy, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling that you get every time that other person is around. ...the flood of relief that comes from finally not feeling lonely anymore. ...a fickle force that's here today and gone tomorrow; a flimsy force without much depth or substance. ...fast--it usually happens in an instant. ...founded on passion and pleasure. ...based in fantasy. Obsession is... ...feeling like you can't live without the other person. ...not being able to get them off your mind for even a moment. ...a destructive force for both you and the other person. ...interminable--long and drawn out, with no end in sight. ...founded on lust and self-loathing. ...based in pathology. Love is... ...wanting to care for the other person, take care of them, protect them, and keep them safe. ...putting them first and yourself second. ...wanting to be your best, highest self as a gift of gratitude to them, because they deserve it, and because they've given you so much. ...accepting them as they are, warts and all, and knowing that they accept you the same. ...a healing force for both you and the other person. ...slow--taking time to develop. ...founded on respect, trust, and admiration. ...based in reality.
Member # 90293
posted 10-20-2012 06:35 PM
These are very interesting definitions. I think it's important to note that for each person, infatuation, obsession, or love might look a little different. For some people, some of these key points will be true while others won't be. Some people might have different criteria altogether.
Even just to think that these are three mutually exclusive things may not accurately describe things for everyone. For example, I suspect there are a lot of people who have that giddy, butterflies sensation of infatuation for someone they also love.
Member # 41657
posted 10-21-2012 01:28 PM
I don't believe that love means putting the other person first and yourself second. I can't really love other people when I don't put myself first as I get very depressed. I don't believe that love is about sacrifice, I think that's a very bad framing of it.
Member # 42492
posted 10-31-2012 09:25 AM
Well, I finally got the guts to say something last night, but as it turns out, I was wrong. Heís not interested.
I guess, really and truly, there were reasons that I didnít pursue this from the beginning, and maybe I should have stuck with those. At the same time, though, Iím kind of dreading seeing him again, though. I guess this may be normal, but I feel kind of vulnerable and embarrassed when people know Iím interested in them but donít reciprocate. That, and I can't help but wonder what is is about me that makes me "not girlfriend material" for so many people. But, itíll be a few days, so hopefully Iíll e more comfortable by then. I know itís silly, but Iím really getting to a point in my life where I want to get ďback out thereĒ. I havenít really dated anyone in over 2 and a half years. Thatís partly because I was in an area where there wasnít any options, and partly because I was at a place in my life where I had some pretty huge family problems that made dating almost impossible. Ever since I moved away, I expected it to be easier. But it really hasnít been. Iím at a place in my life where I feel ready for a relationship, but nothing is working out. And it doesnít help that nearly all of my friends are in long term relationships. Of my 2 best friends from my childhood, one is married with child #2 on the way, and the other just got engaged. And Iíve only dated one guy (which, in all honesty, was a fairly mediocre experience) and havenít had anything happen in forever. Now, Iím not in any hurry to be married or engaged, and might not even want to be in the long run. And I feel stupid saying this, because I never wanted to be the kind of girl that ďneedsĒ a boyfriend, but no matter what I try to replace the ďI want a relationshipĒ feeling, itís still like an empty part of my life. Even though I am happier than Iíve ever been in my life, I still canít shake that desire. People Iím close to keep telling me things like ďYouíll meet the right person eventuallyĒ and ďYouíll find someone when you least expect it.Ē But Iím not sure I believe it. There are plenty of people that never end up finding someone, and thereís plenty more that end up with a crappy partner like my mom did. Not EVERYONE meets someone, and while I might, why should I just assume that I will? I was talking to a friend last night, and he suggested I try meeting people online via dating websites, and told me that thatís how heíd met most of his boyfriends. Iíve thought about it, but I guess Iím still a little intimidated by the stigma. But in theory, it seems kind of perfect, since itís introducing you to people that you have things in common with that want the same things. So, Iím thinking I might try it? What are your opinions on meeting people online, as long as all meetings are done safely? Do you think itís worth giving a shot, or is it better to just wait for people to come along IRL? Although, either way, I probably should give this a little bit of time and not go and make a profile TODAY, as the whole rejection thing is still a little rawÖ Thoughts? [ 10-31-2012, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: Atonement ]
Member # 27731
posted 10-31-2012 06:20 PM
quote: Originally posted by Atonement: Well, I finally got the guts to say something last night, but as it turns out, I was wrong. Heís not interested. I guess, really and truly, there were reasons that I didnít pursue this from the beginning, and maybe I should have stuck with those. At the same time, though, Iím kind of dreading seeing him again, though. I guess this may be normal, but I feel kind of vulnerable and embarrassed when people know Iím interested in them but donít reciprocate. If you had chosen to remain silent what would you be thinking about right now? Probably thinking about him and wondering how he'd respond if you asked him out. Now you know his answer and can move on. Who knows, now that he knows you are interested he may reconsider and change his mind later. quote: Not EVERYONE meets someone, and while I might, why should I just assume that I will? You shouldn't just assume that you will. Sometimes to get a "yes" you have to hear many people say "no". Not an easy thing to go through, as you know, but someone you develop an interest in is bound to say "yes" if you ask enough people. I had one period of time where I asked many girls that I had an interest in out and I endured 23 saying "no" before the 24th said "yes". Hearing each "no" was horrible since I did have a genuine interest in each of them and those confessions stretched out over a 6 or 7 month period before I finally found a girl who I was interested in and who was interested enough to say "yes" go out with me. So basically, hang in there and don't give up. quote: I was talking to a friend last night, and he suggested I try meeting people online via dating websites, and told me that thatís how heíd met most of his boyfriends. Iíve thought about it, but I guess Iím still a little intimidated by the stigma. But in theory, it seems kind of perfect, since itís introducing you to people that you have things in common with that want the same things. So, Iím thinking I might try it? What are your opinions on meeting people online, as long as all meetings are done safely? Do you think itís worth giving a shot, or is it better to just wait for people to come along IRL? Although, either way, I probably should give this a little bit of time and not go and make a profile TODAY, as the whole rejection thing is still a little rawÖ Thoughts? If you are looking for people who you have things in common with then try going to events you enjoy. If you are a sports fan go to sports games, if you are into art then go to an art gallery, etc. Online sites aren't a bad idea if you do it safely but the odds of finding someone who shares your interest are better if you do the things that interest you. Even if you don't find someone at one of those events you'll be doing things that you enjoy which is good.
Member # 42492
posted 10-31-2012 07:30 PM
I actually did end up seeing him today unexpectedly, which I think is for the best because it was a lot less awkward than I'd been afraid of and now I don't have to dread it anymore. I actually had a really good day today overall, and you are right: As embarrassing as it is, I'm glad I know so I can forget about it. I just wish there was a way of me finding out without me telling him!
Member # 56822
posted 11-01-2012 09:06 AM
Oh, don't we all!
[ 11-01-2012, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]
Member # 25425
posted 11-01-2012 10:57 AM
You know, even though it may feel like a long time, you haven't been gone from home for such a terribly long time. It is still your first semester at this school. And this move came with a lot of changes for you. So I don't think it is surprising at all, ori in any way a sign of anything being wrong with you, that you haven't found a relationship yet.
This is a situation where it's really all about the small steps. And I think you have taken a lot of those. You've made new friends, met some guys and gone on a few dates. And you know, chances are that we'll go on a lot more dates that wind up not going anywhere, than dates that lead to big live. I know that you feel like you've spent a lot of time waiting for your life to start, and now that it has, you want to have everything that goes with it, all at once. But try to be a bit more patient with yourself. These things will come to you in time.
Member # 79774
posted 11-01-2012 08:48 PM
you know, just to me, it sounds like you already Are "back out there". You're weighing up dating or not dating different people, and asking them out, and dealing with it when some of them don't want to date you. Maybe big things aren't happening right away, but you're totally opening up possibilities for yourself. That takes strength, skill and determination, particularly so soon after being in a place where it wasn't possible for you. It's quite inspirational
Member # 27731
posted 11-01-2012 11:00 PM
quote: Originally posted by Atonement: I just wish there was a way of me finding out without me telling him! Well, after my experiences with mass rejection I had friends ask the people I was interested in first what they thought of me to find out how I would likely be received. It is surprising how willing people are to help out with that kind of thing though some are a bit more blunt then others (One friend thought he would be funny and just straight up told the girl I wanted to go out with her and asked if she was interested which was very humiliating since she wasn't interested) so it is a good idea to be careful who you ask for help. It can sometimes help if your friend is good at it, though it doesn't guarantee that you'll get the same response since many people aren't going to admit the truth to someone else since they are just as embarrassed about being the first to say it.
Glad I could help. [ 11-01-2012, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: nighteyesv ]
Member # 42492
posted 11-03-2012 01:42 PM
Actually, I'm nearing the end of my second semester now and have lived here for 10 months. I guess maybe I am being a little hard on myself, but it's almost like I feel a need to make up for all the lost time... What do you guys think of meeting people online, though? I actually did end up making a profile, and have ended up talking to some guys that seem pretty cool. I've had fun talking, but at the end of the day, I'm just not sure if I'd feel comfortable meeting any of them in person. Thoughts?
Member # 3
posted 11-03-2012 01:51 PM
I think the idea that online dating is stigmatized in any way is pretty outmoded. There have been a lot of polls and studies on that over the last few years, and I believe we're at somewhere around 30% of all relationships occurring that route. So, personally, I'd not worry about that at this point. Heck, I wouldn't have worried about it tend years ago.
I think online dating can be just as sound an option as dating in person, and just like dating when you start in-person, of course, everyone you talk to isn't going to be someone you feel comfortable with, want to date, or even want to meet. Like every other kind of dating, it's going to take most people some time to identify people they're interested in, and then more time to find people where there's mutual interest.
Member # 3
posted 11-03-2012 02:01 PM
(Oddly enough, I was just talking about this with some guy in his 20s in the airport. When you do what I do, and people ask what you do, it never fails they want to talk with you about sex, sexuality or relationships, which is mostly a cool thing most of the time.
Anyway, I was saying to him that something I find very interesting about online dating is that it can be presented as very new-school, when, IMO, it's actually very old school. People arranging or having arranged meetings or dates via common interests, talking or letter-writing first before even meeting in person, and so forth, is actually pretty traditional when it comes to dating and courtship, if you catch my drift.)
Member # 42492
posted 11-03-2012 06:05 PM
It's funny, because I've heard about the statistics before, but hearing it from you suddenly makes it seem so much more legitimate, Heather.
In a way, I think it may have some advantages over meeting people IRL. For one thing, there's more of an opportunity to be honest about what you're looking for (not that everyone is, but there's an opportunity to be) without embarrassing yourself or stepping out of line. Also, I've been messaging people with common interests that I probably never would have crossed paths with due to having different majors. So, I think it might be worth giving a shot.
Member # 3
posted 11-03-2012 06:11 PM
I certainly think that it's safe to say that there are absolutely some pros to online dating, and that for some people, that's going to be more in line with how they like to date than in person, while for others, it'll be the other way around.
But for sure, the ability to talk a good deal before meeting can be a plus. And for people who feel more socially comfortable that way, it can also take down what would otherwise be barriers for them.