T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95994
posted 10-08-2012 01:57 AM
I've been in a happy relationship for about 7 months. Though we've been friends before our relationship. He is my first serious boyfriend. Well I am in high school, I'm a junior. A while ago, my mom said Im no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. We can't spend time together.. Even when I was on the phone with him, she made me get off. I'm torn apart because I don't understand why she did this to me.. After 7 months of developing such a strong relationship. She's done everything for us, she even encouraged our relationship in the beginning and now she changed. She says because school is more important. We had a deal that if I started doing poorly in school we would slow down in this relationship but I'm doing great in school so that is obviously not the reason. She also says he doesn't deserve me. But she's just being biased because I'm her daughter. Me and my boyfriend have a lot of mutual friends. My mom won't let me hang out with them because he would probably be included in the group also. So shes taking my boyfriend and my friends away. Oh and my license! I'm not allowed to get it anymore. She doesn't trust me because she thinks I'm gonna drive off to see him. I wouldn't though because I wouldn't want to get in trouble with her and make this situation worse. My mom thinks he uses me for sex.. She thinks we have sex all the time and she doesn't believe me when I told her I haven't had sex with him before. She says in the beginning of our relationship we weren't that attached. And now were too attached so automatically the reason is sex. But its not.. Besides if we were having sex and he was just using me for that, I'm pretty sure he would have broken up with me already since my mom said we're not allowed to spend time together. Every night, she yells at me and gets angry that I'm still with him and that we're still so close. She says so many bad things about him, it hurts so much to hear her say that about someone who is so special to me. I cry myself to sleep every night. And he cries too because he knows I get all of this every night. We're both trying so hard to keep our heads up and continue to be happy but it's so hard to go through this everyday. He truly makes me very happy and it doesn't feel fair my mom is taking it away from me. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I know there's probably not that much anyone can do to help but I guess to have someone to talk to is nice.. Thanks. :/
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 10-08-2012 06:31 AM
Oh Kaylee, this really does sound a horrible situation to be in. I'm so sorry to hear that you're in it.
It sounds like you've tried talking to your mother about this and she's made excuses for almost everything. I'm wondering if there's something between you two that you could talk about, but which you're not approaching right now? She is being very protective and the way I'm reading it, is reacting like she is really threatened by you having a close relationship with anyone that isn't her. It's an unhealthy way to think but has been especially painful for you. Do you think you have much of an idea of what causes her to feel so threatened? It's really not cool for her to make you suffer because of that, if she understands herself what she's doing... and on some level she must. Depending on other parts of your relationship with her, there are a couple of things I can imagine might help. But it really depends on her and you, so I'm interested to hear if you think it will actually be helpful... and if not maybe we can speak more about what your relationship with her is like? Before I get into that, I'm just wondering is there any 3rd person between you and your mother who you feel has respect for you and leverage with her? Like a grandparent, adult friend or relative that you could ask for help? That could be helpful. So, my thought is that if she is directly worried about loosing your relationship with her... that approaching this whole issue from that perspective might communicate the problem to her better. I don't think this is just about getting her to allow you to see you bf... but healing the part of your relationship with her that's bringing out all this abusive behaviour on her part. By this, I mean that, assuming all I've assumed, maybe you could put to her how worried you must be about your relationship with her, rather than (as is obviously also the case) your relationship with your bf. Telling her how much this aggression between you two has been upsetting you and to ask her if you two can do something about it. Really, in trying to overprotect your relationship with her she really seems to be pushing you away, and the more you are pushed away from her, the more she over-reacts etc etc. If this gets through to her, and she's invested in helping with this (and not by blaming your bf for the problems), maybe even the pair of you, you and her, could be helped by talking about maybe taking some counselling together. You may not even need to even tell her what you think she's doing wrong, especially if this gets her guard up, just that you're really hurting because of problems in your mother-daughter relationship and that you really want her to come with you to try and fix that. Because really, very few, even slightly crappy (and I'm hearing your bf is pretty supportive) boyfriends can create this much hurt inside a familly home without there already being a problem that wasn't yet felt. Does this sound like it could be helpful? My best thoughts are going out to you today. This sort of thing surprisingly common and being able to ask for help on it rather than internalise all that hurt is one of the best steps you could have made, I'd be really proud of anyone I knew having that strenght and I really beleive you'll get through it. Hang in there! [ 10-08-2012, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]
Member # 56822
posted 10-08-2012 07:52 AM
Member # 95994
posted 10-10-2012 01:24 AM
Thank you so much Jacob for all your thoughts, suggestions and kind words. It's really nice having someone to talk to about this. And thanks wesluck for the hug!
I will try to do that. To talk about how this is affecting our relationship. It's just hard to say that when she makes me so angry.. The things she says to me and the way she says it. It's like she thinks it's fun to do this to me. But I will try. Me and my mom do have a close bond. I've told her everything about this relationship between me and my boyfriend. So it's not like I'm secretive about things around her. I just wish she would believe me when I tell her we haven't had sex.:/ that really bothers me. I guess I'm just going to have to give this situation alot of time
Member # 49582
posted 10-10-2012 10:41 AM
It doesn't sound like this is about anything you've done - or whether you've engaged in sex or not (though you haven't), or plan to or not - but about your mother's own issues and struggles. It also doesn't sound to me like it's completely about sex, if she's never given a reason for thinking that your partner is being dishonest or unfair, or treating you as less than an equal partner based on anything he's said or done. Unless I have that wrong there?
Sometimes parents can feel threatened when we begin to develop a sexuality and explore it (not by having sex, but just by dating, being close to someone we're attracted too, etc.) because they can't provide that kind of closeness, and many people - including our parents - have been raised with the cultural messages that sexual closeness (being 'in love') is so extremely powerful that it replaces everyone else we love or care about in our lives. When obviously, when sexual relationships are healthy, that's just not what happens. So, it is likely about sex; just not in a way your mother's framing it as being (it may be that she's falling back on gender stereotypes as a way to explain what she's feeling, because she doesn't fully understand that she feels that her place in your life threatened by his). Do you think your mom ever consider having any kind of counselling around her relationship with you; or family therapy, where you can talk about this calmly with a therpaist who sits in a mediates, stepping in when needed? [ 10-10-2012, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: Rei ]
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 10-10-2012 01:19 PM
No worries Kaylee,
I'd also wager that this would have happened even if your mother wasn't talking about sex at all. She may have simply guessed that you guys wouldn't have stayed together so long which could have been enough for her to feel cool about it in the beginning. And also good points from Ray. I agree with everything ze said! (I was thinking of asking you to chime in here, Rae!) [ 10-10-2012, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]
Member # 97540
posted 10-10-2012 07:58 PM
My parents are just being over protective about this. My mom thinks I will get pregnant.. But I'm not because I take school and my future very seriously and I wouldn't even risk something like that. And they don't like my boyfriend because they believe he isn't as serious about school and he doesn't work hard enough.
To be honest I don't think I'm going to marry him. It's just a high school relationship, it's unpredictable. Our relationship could end at anytime. But for right now, im happy to be in a relationship with him. i enjoy high school this way, it's fun. I wish they would understand that. It's part of high school life now a days. Back then in their time, maybe not. But it's different now. Yes Ray you're right I'm sure she does worry that this relationship will distract me from all my other ones but it really isnt. I feel like my mom thinks I'm gonna end up too attached and won't break up with him. She says "you cant break up with him now and its only been 7 months, how would you be able to break up with him after 2 years then?" And Jacob, yes that's a reason. She's actually said that once. She didn't know it would last this long.
Member # 97540
posted 10-10-2012 08:00 PM
Oh yeah and this is Kaylee by the way! Just letting you know. I posted from my sisters account because I couldn't log in from mine for some reason
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 10-14-2012 11:42 AM
Ahah cool! I was about to suggest this new person with the same problem might want to start their own thread!
So how are you feeling about all of this now? I was suggesting earlier that these concerns like the nature of your sex life with him, its seriousness and now your pregnancy risks are perhaps only a surface conflict with your mother, which are distractions from whatever is going on between you two. They may just be a sort of moving target for you. Have you tried to talking to her directly about your relationship with her? Is there anything else you're thinking of trying? If you're not feeling up to fixing it all right now that's cool too. So long as you find ways to let off steam. Also I'm pretty sure dating and sex have always been a part of high-school... young people, if anything, are having less sex than our parents generation did at similar ages! Now is just a time of greater panic about it.