T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 96171
posted 08-28-2012 10:32 PM
My co-worker wrote on my wall this afternoon on Facebook asking me if I was ready for work. I wasn't sure if she was thinking I was supposed to come in early or what, so I replied, yes, as soon as I get home because I had to take my mom to Urgent Care.
My parents are divorced; I live with my dad and step-mom. Because everybody in town only know my step-mom as my only mom, and because I live with her, I always just refer to her as my mom. So my real mom calls me a few minutes ago, obviously irritated, and proceeds to gripe about what I wrote on Facebook. Granted it was online, it wasn't a status or something clearly posted. They had to have been digging through my junk to find it, I even checked to make sure. Anyway, it freaked my step-dad out, and I guess all the family I have on Facebook because my real mom does have health problems and it isn't unlikely to happen to her. And I get that it upset my step-dad, because they're moving houses, he has an extremely high up stressful job and he's three hours away right now thinking something happened to my mom. My mom's ticked that I refer to my step-mom as my mom, but I don't refer to my step-dad as dad. If I told everybody I had two moms and two dads, she'd, they'd, be just as mad because that gives off the wrong "signal" to people. But seriously these are the only times she ever talks to me, literally about things like that. And apparently it just ticks my step-dad off as well, but even she'll say he doesn't want to be called dad because he's not, so why get mad? Yes, he's the reason I live the way I do, and I'm grateful and I thought they knew that. I love my mom, but jesus, if I only do wrong then why claim me as yours anyway?
Member # 41699
posted 08-29-2012 10:09 PM
Hi jayjay! I'm sorry to hear you're having so much trouble around this with your mother. I can understand why it might have scared your step-dad to see what you posted on facebook, but I also definitely understand why you're bothered by your mother's reaction to the way you address each of your parents.
Have you talked to your mother and explained that it makes things easier for you and for other people to understand when you address your step-mother as "mom" to people who have only ever met her? Have you discussed with her and your step-dad what they would both prefer you call both of them, but also explain that if your step-mother is comfortable with you calling her "mom, and if you're comfortable with that too, then that's a decision between the two of you? Do you think you'd be able to have that conversation with your mother? I know that a lot of people feel it's saying something about the closeness you feel for another parent, or that it signifies a lack of closeness between you and them, but hopefully if you have a respectful, friendly, and understanding conversation about it with your mother, she will understand that she needs to put aside what she feels it symbolizes and accept that how you address any of your parents is your decision to make. How do you think she would respond to your reasoning? If you've already tried talking to her about this, how has she reacted?
Member # 96171
posted 08-30-2012 08:34 AM
Honestly, I haven't. I don't like talking with my mom, nobody really does. I always joke that she's where I get my mean streak from, but it's true. She can be mean, and I don't like talking to her when it's about me, even though I've tried to get closer to her.
Obviously the fact that I call my step-dad my step-dad bothers her, because he texted me last night and I kind of threw in an apology with it. He said it takes more than that to hurt his feelings and that he was just upset because he thought my mom wasn't telling him she needed to go to the doctor. So I don't know if that's why she was mad, in combination with that? I know when I was little I was really adament that he was my step-father. Not step-dad, step-father. I thought I had laid off on stuff like that, really. I don't remember saying anything bad in the last couple of months about him. Really it's just not comfortable to me calling him dad, because I'm not comfortable with my mom. But I really don't think I should bring it up myself, otherwise she'll snap about it.
Member # 41699
posted 08-30-2012 09:20 AM
Okay, well I totally understand if you feel that this wouldn't be a productive conversation to have with your mother. Instead what you could do when she gets angry at you about the way you address your parents, is tell her that if she wants to hear it, you are open to explain your reasoning but only if she is willing to sit down and discuss it with you. That way, the ball is in her court, you know?
And if she doesn't want to hear your explanation, or if she does and she still gets angry about it, you can just calmly explain that she's already heard the reasoning behind it and there isn't really much else to it. I know it's tough dealing with a parent who isn't willing to own their own stuff, and saying something like that may or may not just make her angrier; it's definitely up to you whether or not that'd be a good idea to say, since you know her a lot better than I do. How about talking to your step-dad about it? It sounds like he is a lot more willing to have an open discussion about it all, and he seems quite respectful of your feelings and willing to listen to what you have to say. So just at least so he understands where you're coming from and is no longer hurt by the way you address him, you could explain all of what you just said here. Do you think he'd be open to hearing that?