T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95710
posted 06-19-2012 10:32 AM
My family and I are extremely close; and I usually love it when things are this way between us. When I was at university, I came home almost every weekend (not just to see my family, but to see my friends and my partner); and I'd really enjoy the bond we'd have. I like that my parents are so understanding and very supportive; but there are times like today when I feel like things I do just aren't good enough; or that I feel trapped in my own home for a variety of reasons.
I've been living at home full-time since December since I've finished university; and for the most part, it's been good. I've been trying off and on to get a job; but my mother often makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough. She'd tell me what and what not to say when calling employers; and we once had a shouting match over me not continually responding to an employer who just would not contact me at all. We usually make up later; but whenever I apologize, she often just brushes it off which makes me even angrier (and it also makes me want to take back my apology most of the time). I hate feeling angry but sometimes I just think my parents have too much say in how I handle things. My parents do not know that I am sexually active and I have to sneak around to get birth control pills. Usually I wouldn't mind; but since I'm without a job and can't drive (just got my G1 but I can't drive alone without an experienced driver), money is tight and I have to lie about where I'm going so I can walk to the drugstore. This might sound like a silly problem to most, and usually I don't mind; but when I feel like my parents are hovering over my life like this, I feel like I can't do anything without them somehow finding out or just making it harder. I've often thought about just telling them that I'm on birth control and chalk it up to fixing up my irregular cycle; but I know they'd probably ask too many questions and might not believe me (and the fact that I've been on it secretly for two years might not be easy to explain). I feel really awful sometimes because I don't have a job; and even though my family are usually supportive of me trying, sometimes my mom or dad will make me feel like I'm lazy or just not successful. My brother has a job now and I see him with money and his own truck and sometimes feel like my life just isn't as "good (though he has his own stresses and problems, just like I do; and I know no one's life is perfect)." I just graduated from university so I'm not sure if more is expected of me because I went to school. I'm not sure how my brother feels about me being unemployed; but sometimes when he comes home and I'm just hanging out, I feel like he probably thinks I'm a failure, too. It's times like these (which are few and far between, but still present sometimes) that I wish I could move out so I could better take care of my personal needs; but there is no way that that can happen yet (I have tuition debt to pay off to my father and the bank and of course I would need a job). I don't really want to leave my family right now; but it's times like these where I feel so suffocated and so stressed out that I just want to move out. I've been really stressed out lately; and the fact that I'm waiting for my period to start in a week hasn't helped on top of looking for work and these suffocating issues with my family. They still baby me a little, and they always praise me as being "a good/perfect daughter." In reality, I myself know that I am far, far from being good or perfect; so I have this terrible fear that if I somehow become unemployed or become pregnant (and will need to abort, which would kill me on the inside but it would have to be that decision), that would be letting them down and they would be so disappointed. I can't handle disappointing my parents but I want to live my own life and make the choices I want to make; but at the same time they think I'm so great and innocent... This probably sounds like a whining post; but I truly feel dishevelled and tearful as I write this. I am so stressed out and I feel like instead of really helping me, my family is making me feel worse or like I have to sneak around in order to take care of myself. They are so loving and I know that my "scenarios" are just that - scenarios - but I just can't disappoint them. My mom said to me long ago that if I ever got in trouble (delinquency, drugs, etc.), she would always love me; but then my parents are so against those things and when I hear that, I wonder if they'd really be that supportive of me. I don't want to paint my family in a bad light; but I just feel so upset that I wanted to flush this all out. I already feel better writing this, but I'm ashamed to post it I think. Thank you for taking the time to read this!
Member # 90293
posted 06-19-2012 10:51 AM
Here is a hug if you want it. It does sound like your family is very loving, and that perhaps some of what you're all going through together is that tricky, pesky journey of establishing new relationships, with you as their adult child, not as a child. The one thing that kept coming up in my mind as I read this is a question for you: Given what your circumstances are right now, what kinds of things do you think you could do to start carving out a life of your own?
Member # 95710
posted 06-19-2012 02:34 PM
Thank you so much for your virtual hug, Robin! You are always so kind and supportive!
I think you are right: we're all adjusting to my brother and I growing up and becoming adults. I feel like they still have a lot of control over me; and though I certainly have more freedom than I did when I was 18 or so, I still sometimes feel like I can't really do what I want (make my choices about where I go and what I do) without them saying "yes" or "no." I think that once I get a job, I will become a bit more independent and can then start saving money to pay back my debt and to also save for an apartment. Even if I don't get a job soon, I can save the money I do have; but that's often challenging when I have necessary payments to make (as everyone else does!). I think if I do that, they'll see me as being more self-sufficient. I wish I could drive on my own; but maybe if I take more of an initiative in driving, they might see that I'm ready for that, as well. Thank you for always asking pertinent questions that make me think! I might make a list of the things I could do to start becoming more independent and carving a life of my own.
Member # 56822
posted 06-19-2012 10:03 PM
-hugs for copper86, the wonderful peer ambassador!-
Member # 95710
posted 06-20-2012 06:13 PM
Thank you so much, WesLuck! You are so nice!
I hope you're doing well!
Member # 95710
posted 06-27-2012 11:23 AM
I feel like things are just getting worse. When I said I wanted to take a certain job if they hire me just so I can have income - even if it's a job I don't love but I would do so I could finally be independent and save up for moving out - my mother actually said "no" and that she knew I wouldn't like it. Part of me doesn't care that much - I just want to feel like I'm doing something to help others and I desperately want to feel self-sufficient - but when she said "no," it just infuriated me; since it was almost as if I was a five year-old asking for a cookie (a funny analogy, I guess, but that kind of summed up how stupid I feel!).
Also, stuff is happening that just makes me want to move out pronto; and I just really want out. My parents were supposed to go out of province; so I was basically told to watch the house, to do laundry and dishes and stuff, which is fine. My brother would be home but not home; so I'd pretty much be alone. My partner and I had made plans for him to come over (I'm not sure if any of you would find this disrespectful or not; but when he does come over, we just stay in my room and I obviously do not tell my parents; but it is not as if my brother and I can't have friends over while they're away.); and since we almost never get either of our homes to ourselves, I thought this would be a good and safe opportunity for us. My father is now sick; and due to his medication and age I'm concerned for him (it looks like cold symptoms I think); but they've also pretty much cancelled their trip, so not only am I worried for my dad, but I'm upset that they're not going. I probably sound like a terrible person for feeling like this; and I hate admitting it. So that, combined with my mother chaperoning my job opportunities - and a whole bunch of little things that seem to spiral when you're already upset - has made me extremely angry and just passive about everything. I'm tired of my parents having so much control over my life and how I want to live it. I'd want to move out, not just so I could have people over; but so I could be self-sufficient and I'd get to live my own life. It's not that I don't appreciate all they do for me; and it hurts me to be angry at them for something that isn't even their fault, but I'm just exasperated about going from an always-busy-student to an unemployed and nailed-down post-graduate I guess. I know this site isn't for judgments; but I've already made a heap of them on myself about how I'm feeling. I don't even know how sick my dad is - it could be a cold since he was coughing - but I still feel like an absolute troll for feeling upset that I can't have someone over. I feel like a bad daughter and a bad person. I guess I just want to talk to someone before I go out of my mind. I don't even want to post this; but I feel as if I don't have any other outlets. I feel guilty asking them for money; especially when I see my friends with their own jobs and spending on random stuff (I don't want to make judgments; but when I see that, I just feel worse, because I don't have the money to spend and even if I did, I'd be trying to save it and would maybe use it for something else; like moving out or paying back debt). Thank you for reading this.
Member # 42505
posted 06-27-2012 01:05 PM
Hi copper, I can understand why you are feeling frustrated! That does not make you a bad person at all, it is totally natural for young adults to want to have more control over their own lives, to want to be independent and not ask permission anymore, basically to be an adult. Babies want to eventually leave the nest, and I know the transition can be hard for both the parents and the new adults.
It definitely sounds like the best plan for you is to find a job and get your own place. I know how hard that time of trying to find a job, not having school or money, having debts, and wanting to have your own place all combined can be! Stay persistent about getting a job and stay strong knowing this will pass!
Member # 49582
posted 06-28-2012 08:54 AM
I just wanted to add another 'hang in there' about the job hunting and moving out; I'm in that boat myself. Give 'Fly By Night' by Rush a listen!
Member # 95710
posted 06-28-2012 09:21 AM
Thank you so much, Kat and Ray! I really appreciate it! I do agree that I have to move out - I just need to get a job and some money for rent aside before that can happen. I love my family so much and it will suck when I move out; but I want to be self-sufficient and I'd like to do that soon.
I don't think I've listened to the entirety of "Fly By Night" in my head; but I'll definitely listen to it! Thank you for suggesting it! (And what parts I do know of it are now in my head! )
Member # 56822
posted 06-28-2012 11:17 AM
Gee, sounds like a tough situation! I wish you the best in extending your wings.
And of course: -hugs for copper86-
Member # 95998
posted 07-03-2012 08:36 PM
Copper! You've been so supportive of me and the questions and issues that I've had, that I had no idea you were going through this right now. I truly wish you the best of luck, and we're always here if you need us.
*awkward tall person hug*