T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95148
posted 06-10-2012 10:48 PM
So... I'm struggling with something right now. I've been dating this guy for about a year, and we are very much in love. However, I do know that there are some things that would bother me if they never changed long term. For example, he has some unhealthy habits that sometimes rub off on me (bad eating habits, doesn't like to be physically active very often, and goes to bed super late and doesn't wake up till the afternoon). I have diabetes, and all of these things pose issues to my health sometimes. I know that I should be responsible for myself, but if I married him it would definitely be harder for me to keep myself healthy when there is somebody else around who has bad habits. That is one of the more mild examples. Another issue that I have is that he just doesn't click well with my family. My last boyfriend just totally jumped into my family and meshed really well, and my current boyfriend always leaves my family feeling awkward. They actually don't like him staying for long periods of time to visit (right now we live about 2 hours apart, so we try to visit for a few days when we do visit). Last night, my mom actually told me that she just doesn't like him. She didn't give me an ultimatum or anything, and did put a positive spin on it, but now that I know... I dunno. I'm just really bummed out. They notice some things about him that I don't like (like his bad health habits, or how he is lazy sometimes) and just frown upon it. I don't really know what to do. Family is incredibly important to me, and I am not used to having to feel stressed about my boyfriend coming over. I want everyone to get along. But I don't want to pressure my boyfriend, or making him feel uncomfortable by telling him that my family doesn't like him and he needs to try harder. That would just be a really mean thing to say... So I don't know. Some of the things that bother me about my boyfriend comes from the way he was raised in his family, and he just doesn't seem interested in adjusting to my kind of family structure to bond with them. Sorry if I'm rambling. Please ask questions if some of the things I've said don't make sense, or if you want more examples. I just don't know how to approach him and let him know that there are some things that won't work long term without seeming like I am attacking him or wanting him to change who he is just to be with me. But I don't want to be a doormat and pretend that the little things don't bother me. Thoughts?
Member # 95710
posted 06-11-2012 09:20 AM
Having family members dislike your significant other can be very upsetting. Sometimes my family would disapprove of the men I cared for, too (especially my brother, who is protective over me); so I understand that you both want to appease their feelings and to also make things easier on your partner.
The things about his physical activity would not just hurt you, but him in general; so I think there are positive and polite ways to state that maybe he should be more active without making it sound like you're attacking him or hurting his feelings. For example, you can say something like, "Wow, I haven't been for a walk/run in days! I feel so lazy! Want to come with me?" or "Hey, I've heard really good things about this gym close to my house - do you want to go together?" Even just going swimming or running around or dancing would be good ideas to exercise (I usually dance like a crazy person in my room). I'm sure you could suggest something easy for the two of you to do together, to make it look more like a healthy date and not you asking him to change who he is. I think a balance is important: sometimes you need to be busy and active; and sometimes you need some down time and to relax. Perhaps that is what will work for the two of you - you will help him to become more active; and he can help you relax when need be. But I certainly agree with you that being active is important. If you don't mind me asking, what did your mother say about not liking him? It's nice that she made a positive spin on it; but I know that would stress me out and hurt my feelings. Similar situations have happened to me, so I know you feel upset that your family doesn't like him since you do very much; and you want everyone to get along and to be friends. I know it's tough to think about all this when you're stressing over the entire situation in general. Maybe you could make a list of the things you do like about your boyfriend, and talk to your family about those things. Maybe they like them, too. And, if they all like the same thing - for example, his sense of humour - then you can organize a family movie night, either at home or in the theatres, and watch comedy movies/shows. I really hope you feel better!