T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 50053
posted 06-07-2012 09:00 AM
Hey everyone! I just have an interesting question for everyone, I think it would be kind of fun to answer, and would also give me an idea of what people prefer when in a relationship! But first...
I would like to say thank you to every volunteer on this site and Heather herself! I know i can be a pain sometimes, i know i have quite a bunch of problems that sometimes pop up at random and i relieve that stress on the board and look for guidence. You all have really helped me, and i want to apologize if i had gotten annoying at one point! But some really good things have happened in the past month, and it has really brought my spirits up! but back to the question haha So, when you are all in a relationship, how fast do you prefer to go (sexual wise) does the speed differ with different partners? For example, i would prefer to hold off on the "home run" until him and i felt completely comfortable with each other, if i planned when... i'd guess it would be around 8 months into the relationship! I could honestly wait til marriage When would you prefer the first kiss? Making out Manual sex Oral sex and so on. I guess this question seemed a bit intriguing. I hope i put this in the right section if not i apologize!
Member # 49582
posted 06-07-2012 10:04 AM
Brilliant topic, Controversy!
I like to think of how my sexual relationships move as like choosing to share a pizza with someone - and before you give me that puzzled look, the article should explain all: .
To Slide or to Slice? Finding a Happy Sexual Metaphor
Member # 95598
posted 06-07-2012 10:13 AM
This is an intriguing question for me, too, mostly because I know people (admittedly mostly women, though I'll add that I, too, am female) who have this "perfect" schedule and woe be the significant other who doesn't follow it, whether by leading or by following. It's also interesting to note the people who want to wait
at least a certain amount of time vs. the people who want to wait a certain amount of time at most. As for me... I don't really have a time table. I don't have many relationships to go off of, for one thing. For another, every relationship is different, and so the pace I might prefer things at in one relationship would be just wrong to expect or try to go by in another. Above all, I'm one of those people who just tends to go with the "do it when it feels right for both of you" school of thought, and, so far, that doesn't seem to have stuck to any discernable schedule. In fact, about the only thing I can do is give the order I'd like to go in, but, again, this could change from relationship to relationship.
Member # 50053
posted 06-07-2012 11:05 AM
Thank you Heather!
and i will definitely read that article And i love your response CSand! I think i could pretty much relate to that
Member # 49582
posted 06-07-2012 12:33 PM
One thing I would add though, Controversy, is that this activity likely won't give you sound data on what people in general like in terms of sexual pacing, only what the folks here at Scarleteen like; because things like pacing of sexual relationships and when we'd like sex vary so hugely between us all. Does that make sense?
Member # 90293
posted 06-07-2012 12:52 PM
Since my brain doesn't usually move in straight lines and develops ideas all over the place, the first thing that occurs to me is that not everyone has a straight trajectory for sexual activities. That is, people give different weight and different value to different sexual activities. And....the plateau for different sexual activities will be different for different people. For example, Controversy, you mention the home run...for some people, that won't ever be a desired goal...or, if it does happen it doesn't happen as a culmination but simply as another sexual activity.
I can think of a sexual relationship I was in once in which the actual number and variety of activities was limited, and the growth was measured more by intensity and feeling than by what was actually done.
Member # 50053
posted 06-07-2012 06:56 PM
Well thats what i was asking Rei
im not asking for help for myself, just how everyone here thinks about this topic, just a fun question is all.
Member # 95986
posted 06-09-2012 04:03 PM
Well- ideally I have a plan in my head...
I'm one of those life planners...(to an extent) I was like no manual sex for like 6 months... I wanted things to go slowly.... Truth is when he started kissing me on our two month anniversary I just want to stop.... So time frames kind of left me- I'll add we didnt have "sex"- but in the beginning he had wait two weeks for a kiss....for me its all about how comfortable you are- how quickly.... Good question.....
Member # 94668
posted 06-11-2012 08:54 PM
I love the pizza metaphor article! Fantastic! And it makes me really crave pizza (literal pizza, not metaphorical pizza).
I'm not into the whole idea of a timeline, especially if the timeline is set/encouraged by someone/a community/a society outside the relationship. Traditional timelines for sexual activity or relationship "milestones" haven't worked well for me: -In my first serious relationship, we were on and off for 5 years and never touched, no handholding, hugging, nothing, because we were within a religious confine that prohibited guys and girls touching outside of marriage. This law is generally observed by having the dating timeline before marriage be very short, say a few months tops, so that a couple isn't in the frustrated state of not being able to touch for long, but that timeline didn't work for our relationship because we weren't ready to marry a few months after we'd met. This relationship didn't work for many reasons, some of them having to do with lack of discussion between myself and my partner about when we wanted certain milestones to happen. -In my second serious relationship, my partner and I engaged in sexual activity before either of us were ready to, because we thought it was the expected time to do so. Fortunately, we were able to have an honest conversation and figure out a timeline that worked better for us. However, we each still had unrealistic notions (e.g. "Oh, I must be able to give my partner an orgasm now because we've been together X amount of time"). This was also a long-distance relationship, which meant that instances in which we were together had even more pressure to be "just so" in terms of what we were doing and how it was. This created a lot of stress on the relationship. -My current serious relationship, my partner and I decided to wait until we were comfortable and then do only what we both wanted to do and not what was expected that we do. Which is why our first kiss was two months after we started dating. Why my partner got naked around me five months into the relationship, yet I didn't get naked around him until thirteen months into the relationship. Why, at almost two years together, we never had manual sex or oral sex or vaginal sex or anal sex, and why we dry hump all the time because manual/oral/vaginal/anal are activities we either haven't wanted to do yet or aren't comfortable doing yet, while dry humping pleasurable and amazing for both of us and we love it. Even outside the sexual realm, we nixed one society's timeline that we're going too slow and we should have moved in together by now and we nixed another timeline that we're going too fast and we should have been married in order to be doing this. We talk about what's right for us to do and when is the right time. Really, I think that's the bottom line.
Member # 96015
posted 06-26-2012 04:26 PM
In my first relationship, which lasted from 2nd semester in freshman year of high school until just before final exams senior year, we waited about two months to kiss, and over a year to have any sort of sex, though after that we had a LOT of it. We never had intercourse, though, neither of us were ready at that point - we were both carrying a lot of unfortunate and stressful cultural baggage around the importance of the "first time."
In my second relationship, we started out more as friends with benefits and didn't define ourselves beyond that for the first month, during which we spent a lot of time making out, grinding, and feeling each other up, starting three days after we met. We waited a couple more months before we had any form of sex involving direct genital contact, partially because she was really new to sex and nervous about it and also because we had agreed to get STI tested first and had to wait for our results. My third relationship started about two months ago - I am still also with my second partner, we are a polyamorous triad. Our third partner had never had sex with anyone and only made out with one person once, so we were totally okay with waiting and going slow, but she was okay with far more than we expected, and communicated that very clearly. Before we were an official triad, we spent about a week hanging out as a group and cuddling, kissing each other's necks and hands, grinding, and giving each other massages. Then we took her to our college's Queer Prom dance and invited her to spend the night afterwards. We spent the whole night having sex, with occasional breaks to use the bathroom and, on one occasion, make and eat a bunch of mac n' cheese. She wasn't comfortable with being kissed on the mouth, so sex came before kissing in this case. While cuddling after sex, I asked her about how her kissing boundaries had developed, and apparently I did a really good job of being respectfully interested, because after that she relaxed and made out with me a bunch, which I had not expected her to be okay with at all. In short: I definitely have no standard timeline for how much I do with partners when, or in what order. It is entirely dependent on my and their personal feelings and boundaries in that specific situation.