T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 89924
posted 04-15-2012 08:11 PM
Hello. I'm naturally a non-confrontational person. I don't like arguments, I don't like yelling, I don't even enjoy normal disagreements (on a personal level, not like "I like that thing, you don't, why's that?") because..well, I don't know. I just know I'm not particularly good at winning arguments or expressing my feelings. I feel like it burdens people or puts them off.
I'm trying to work on this. So that's why I'm asking for some advice, because I want to improve. Well, one place I'm terrible at communicating is with my boyfriend. Before, I used to bottle up all the frustrations I had, little or small, because I felt that they weren't worth bringing up or that I'd be wrong because I missed some small detail. He wasn't happy out this because (1) He expressed he wanted to know if something was bothering me, especially if it was of his doing and (2) when I bottled it up all that time, it ended up with me blowing up and it turning into a bigger mess than it should. So, I've worked on this! And honestly, besides a couple things a few months ago, nothing's really popped up for me to say anything about. It's all peachy keen. It still is. It's just this one little thing that has bothered me today. He's been out of town for a week on a conference for his major, and came back yesterday. I just developed an awful 103 fever (I'm getting a bit better now) around Friday. So I texted him, and he called worried, called to check up, and being sweet. We both agreed that we wanted to see each other, so I asked if he could stop by my apartment today (about 10 mins from him) to say hi, as I was too dizzy to drive. And, as he has been busy with this conference, he has a loooot of work to catch up on, so he said, although he would love to see me, he has lots of work to do. Disappointed as I was, I understood, because I too had work/homework/tests to do before tmrw. But then, after I finished texting him, I felt a little bad/bitter. I thought to myself, well, it's really only a 25 min max affair, to just stop by and say hi. I would do the same for him if he were sick. In fact, the night he was feeling like an emotional wreck, I left the library when I was studying for an exam, bought him some candy, stopped by his apt and gave him a hug. And it didn't take all that much time. So why couldn't he do the same for me? Part of me wants to say something, because I really don't want to become bitter toward him, and I want him to realize how that felt, since I know he's oblivious. But the other part of me tells me to let it go, since he DID have lots of stuff to do, and he's about to graduate so this work is REALLY important, and what if he thinks I'm being selfish for trying to guilt him about being responsible instead of seeing me? The times that he has to turn down hanging out with me in order to do homework/work is because he knows that he'll spend waaay too much time with me and not get any work done. I agree. It's the same with me. When I want to do work, but go see him, a good couple hours fly by, and then it's kaput. So that's understandable. But in this situation, I know he's busy, I'd push him outta the door if it gets past 30 mins! I really am torn as to what to do. Express my feelings? But I'm afraid of doing that in this situation. I could be wrong. It's such a small issue too! TINY! Why am I making this a thing?? Urgh. I'm sorry this is so long, but in general, I'd just like to know, is this tiny issue worth speaking up about to my boyfriend? I don't want to hold a grudge, but I don't want him to hold a grudge either for me being upset about it. I don't think he will if I explain calmly...
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 04-15-2012 08:37 PM
You can't possibly be wrong, because what you're talking about here is your feelings. You DID feel bad/bitter after he said he wasn't coming over. There is no wrong when it's your feelings, you can't pick how you feel. I think you should tell him how it made you feel, In fact, you can ever tell him that you aren't really sure whether it's a good idea to bring it up because it feels really small, but that it's really bugging you (or some version of that that is what you would say and how you feel). You don't need to feel like you can't tell your partner something if it's small. Telling him how you feel doesn't mean that he was wrong to not come over, or that he was right, it just means it made you feel bad/bitter.
Member # 3
posted 04-15-2012 08:41 PM
You know, I'd say that when something is bothering you, not only is it okay to talk about it, it's usually better to (unless it's super-minor and no big whoop to you) than to bottle it up and also create possible barriers in a relationship.
You know, this obviously isn't tiny to you because here you are, sounding pretty upset. I'd say if you sleep on it, and find you stay upset (you might not be, when we're sick, we tend to get upset more easily), then it makes sense to figure you should talk about it. And you know, this doesn't have to be something you make into a big drama. It could be as simple as you saying you felt hurt the other day, and would like to figure out a way together where you can see each other briefly when that's all the time you have, and do so able to separate after a little while so either of you can also get done the other things in life you need to.
Member # 89924
posted 04-15-2012 11:59 PM
I'm not sure how to word it though.. I am glad that it's ok for me to voice my feelings, even if they're about this small issue! I just hope he doesn't take it the wrong way, like I'm really angry at him or thought he was a jerk for not forsaking his homework for me.
Should I say, "Hey, so you know, that day I was sick and I wanted you to visit, but you were busy with work and couldn't come? Well.. I don't know. It just sort of bothered me because it was such a small task, and would take just a little while, and I'd do the same for you. I'm not saying I'm pissed at you, or that you were wrong for not coming, but I didn't want to become bitter about it, so that's why I'm saying something now.." Is that too lengthy? I don't know when I'll get to see him this week, as we're both so busy before finals. I don't wanna text it to him or call him about it, I'm not big on expressing feelings via phone. Perhaps over lunch? But how do I bring it up without it being a big deal of doom? Just casually bring it up with a joke or something...?
Member # 50014
posted 04-16-2012 02:35 AM
Frankly mmiia, I went through the similar thing as you in expressing my thoughts/feeling regarding an interaction with someone. I find that it was best for me to do this at the earliest opportunity.....the longer you wait, I foudn that the longer I would get anxious and these questions "how , when, where" etc.
If you are so busy, then i would suggest that it may be a good idea to just write a simple email and explain to him. His response (no matter what it is) will definately also give you some clues as to how this person responds when someone is expressing something a bit on the contrary...in either case, I would think that it's best to say it not for him, but for your own peace of mind.