T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 94166
posted 03-22-2012 09:01 AM
I've been in a relationship with a girl I met at college for nearly six months now and I feel like I've hit a roadblock.
We started dating in October of last year and moved into a more serious relationship not long after that. Unfortunately, she graduated in December and now lives a good three hours away from me while I am at school, which has put a lot of strain on both of us. We've been trying to maintain a long-distance relationship but it's gotten really problematic. Her home and family life is very unstable and often emotionally and physically abusive. Especially in the case of her mom, who regularly berates her, has occasionally even smacked her, and often puts her in financially difficult situations. Both of us know that moving out sooner rather than later is her best option but she feels that until she can get a job and then find a decent spot to live, it won't happen. Her job search has been slow-going as well. Meanwhile, I feel really frustrated with how things are progressing between us. We are usually perfectly fine in regular life when we are actually together. However, her issues at home and the long-distance put her into a bad emotional state that bleeds into our relationship a lot lately. Sometimes, she can be either really pithy and overly-critical of me in conversation or completely reserved or distracted and difficult to talk to when we're supposed to be having designated "boyfriend-girlfriend" time. It doesn't happen constantly but when it does she recognizes she does this and apologizes for it, but I don't feel the actual habits change all that much, not at least while she remains at home. Also, the more we're apart the more I realize that even though there's a lot between us that's really similar and that we share, there's also still a good amount that's different. So I feel really conflicted. I still really love and care about her as a person and I'm sure she feels the same. When we have good nights together on Skype or whatever way we communicate, it feels good. However, when it's the opposite it intrudes on my thoughts for the rest of the next day. I don't want to abandon to her family situation either and sometimes I feel guilty about creeping thoughts of wanting to end things. I feel really unhappy about the whole situation lately. Any advice or thoughts?
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 03-24-2012 04:04 PM
Hi Rhizome, so sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds tough.
It seems like you're both going through some difficult things here. I think your feelings that you want to change your relationship aren't anything you should feel guilty about, it might even be a good idea. While of course you're able to support each other now, at the same time, the hard part of this relationship could well be making things even more stressful for the both of you. So I don't think the idea of breaking up is a bad one because clearly some how, you need to be able to find ways to make this situation easier for both of you. You may well also be able to it much better as friends. It sounds like the situation she is in, is something she needs to get out of whenever she can... if her home-life is violent there might be more people who might be able to help her find somewhere to live. She may be able to get help too in finding work etc, it depends on what resources there are where she lives. If you don't break up, it could really help to think about what you can do to make things easier for you both now, but also in the future. Her looking for work is great, perhaps there are some things nearer to you that might be good especially if she knows the city. If you're going to continue stuff like that really needs to be a priority because from what you've said a long term, long distance, unhappy relationship is really not something you want to be in unless you're working hard to build something outside of that. If you've explained how her being aggressive towards you, if she has been, has made you feel and she's apologised but has found it hard not to just continue, that makes things really difficult. I think if you guys carry on talking about that and working on that it could get better but given the situation it sounds like it will be tough, and I think it's really your call to work through it while working on the next place your relationship and personal circumstances are going to be in, or whether it's something you need to step away from at the moment. You can help her as a friend, or as a boyfriend. I hope that things just get better for you both, however they do. I really wish you both my best thoughts at the moment. [ 03-24-2012, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]