T O P I C R E V I E W
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 12-31-2011 10:46 PM
As I discussed here I broke up with my ex 2 or 3 months ago. We spent one or two months apart, but chanced to meet twice while I was walking to school and he was walking to work (i'll admit, after the first time I tried to leave the house at the very same time as I had the first day so that I would run into him). When we met the conversations consisted mostly of awkward courtesies (hi, how are you etc). He said he still missed us ("us", not me, "us") and I said that I missed him. We agreed that we didn't mean by that though that we wanted to get back together. I told him that I still wanted to be friends but he said that that would take time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I don't want to start dating him again; since the break up I've been a lot happier. But I feel like I have so much unfinished business with the break up. Since talking to him in person (those exchanges lasted about five minutes by the way) I've spoken to him twice online (on facebook chat). Those conversations were not super productive. We talked about the break up a little but mostly just about things of no consequence. I told him when we talked online that I want to talk to him in person to work out some of the things that needed working out and to get some closure. He said that he didnt; think it was a good idea right now but I told him that I didn't know whether tommorow, next week or next month would be a good time but that I want to talk sometime. I feel like a cruel, heartless a$$hole for breaking up with him while he was in the hospital, but I couldn't take being his sole source of support anymore and it really was the best option for both of us. But I still feel like doing that was somehow wrong. That's something I;d want to talk to him about. I felt like the break up was spent me placating him. I feel like he got his break up, but I didn't get mine. I want closure and he agrees that there are still lots of things to talk about. But at the same time where and when would he and I meet (if he even wants to)? I don't want anyone to know if I meet him again, but I don't want to have a surreptitious meeting with him. It makes me wonder too why I wouldn't want anyone to know I was meeting with him. I feel embarrassed when I think about meeting with him. I'm not sure why that is. I also don;t want my parents to worry about me or ask me why I want to meet with him, although come to think of it if I just say I want to have Jonathan over so he and I can tie up som loose ends for the break up, they'd probably be okay with it. Also, he told me some pretty weird stuff when he went into the hospital. The thing he told me his mother had suggested and I think he had only grabbed hold of it because it was a shade better than accepting that it really was his anxiety that was bugging him so much. Yet now the thing he vowed to avoid because of what he told me he isn't avoiding anymore, That makes me really confused. If the last part doesnt make any sense I understand, but if I say anything more I'll be betraying his confidence. I feel... conflicted. I don't know where to go from here. I really want closure and I feel like i would feel a lot better about these things if Icould just discuss them with him, but I just don't knowwhat to do. Any advice or observations?
coralee
Member # 43628
posted 01-01-2012 12:21 PM
I read this post and your other one and it sounds like the relationship was very difficult and draining. It doesn't surprise me, with everything that happened, that you didn't get closure. But even though you want closure, it's not always realistic to expect to get it. You told him you wanted to talk but he's not ready. Really, that's all you can do at this point. IMO you can get a feeling of closure for yourself without talking with him. I have been in difficult relationships and ended them for good reason, and not got closure in the way I wanted and at the time I wanted it, and I know how hard it can be, but I find that time, my personal growth, and talking to others have helped me get closure on unhealthy and draining relationships in my past.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 01-01-2012 04:00 PM
Yeah, I guess it might be unrealistic to expect to ever get to talk to him to get closure. It was my first relationship, and 10 months is a long time. It's only been a little over a fifth of the time I spent in the relationship being out of it. I think that a year down the road, I'll probably be feeling a lot better about the whole thing. I do talk sometimes to my friend (who dated my ex before me) about the parallels between both of our relationships and the stress it had on both of us, and it does feel comforting to know that the relationship getting to where it did wasn't entirely my fault since my friend's relationship with him ended similarly. It's exciting too, to be single. I don't have any major emotional responsibility to anyone other than myself and I can actually care for myself now (well, it's a struggle taking care of myself after having neglected myself for so long, but I'm continually improving). I'll be off to University the year after next (though I graduate this year) and I'm super excited for that. When I was dating my ex we didn't really discuss the possibility of breaking up when I went to University but instead said that we would have a long distance relationship. The idea of it was putting an immense amount of stress on me and now I don't have to worry about it. Plus, I'm excited for future relationships. I'm nowhere near being ready for one now, but there's no one I'd date now who's interested in me anyway. But for the first time ever when I was somewhere a guy came up and flirted with me for half an hour I was super comfortable flirting back. But, I'm still getting over the relationship, there's still a lot of pain that I feel whenever I think about it and I still feel immensely bad about breaking up with him while he was in the hospital. With regards to discussing this with people, beyond shallow and short mentioning of it, how can I go about doing that? The only friend I'd really want to talk to about it just recently started dating her first boyfriend, so she's in a sort of blissful, everyone should date and life an love are great kind of a mood, always. I'm super happy fro her, but it can be kind of hard to talk to her about stuff like that. But she's a great friend. When I was dealing with this stuff before she helped me get through a really rough school day when I couldn't stop crying (and before that I hadn't cried at school since grade 3 or 4). My other friends I'm not super close to, but I might be able to get them talking about this too, the were actually pretty great that hard day too. Thank you, coralee for your response, it is really reassuring to hear that I did the right thing.
coralee
Member # 43628
posted 01-01-2012 04:55 PM
I'm glad what I had to say was helpful, and that you have friends that are supportive and that you can share some of your feelings with, even if it's not as much as you would like. I agree it's tough sometimes to find people to talk to about topics like this. I am 23 now, and I feel like in general it is easier and more "socially acceptable" to bring up difficult topics with friends/acquaintances than it was when I was in high school.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 01-01-2012 04:59 PM
Any advice about how I could bring it up with my friends now?
coralee
Member # 43628
posted 01-01-2012 05:15 PM
Well I would probably say something like: "You know that guy I dated a while back? I am still so upset over our relationship and breakup and just need to talk to someone." I don't want to put words in your mouth, but maybe you could say something like: "I feel like I need closure, but he's not willing to talk to me right now." Just telling a friend that you really need to talk to them about something that is upsetting you is usually enough to get a conversation started. Then depending on how the conversation goes, you can decide how many details to tell them about what happened and what you're going through.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 01-01-2012 05:28 PM
That's a really good idea. And they all know pretty much everything about the break up, so on that count I wouldn't need to agonize over telling them about it. And "I just need to talk to someone", it's so simple, so elegant, yet I never thought of it. Thank you.