T O P I C R E V I E W
GlassPassenger13
Member # 82582
posted 10-11-2011 05:37 AM
So, I've been dating this boy for a few weeks now, and I thought it'd be a good time to lay the boundaries for our relationship, before we did get too physical. We both don't believe in sex before marriage, so that was an easy one, but the more we talked, the more our views started becoming very different.... For example, I told him "well, I'm pretty much cool with anything above the belt, but not yet of course" and he was like "Well, I wouldnt touch your chest ever because I want to protect your dignity". That really struck a chord with me.... Like, he's acting like 'my dignity' is something he needs to be protecting. I just told him that I'm perfectly okay with that, so 'my dignity' would not be bothered. annyyywaaayys, I'm just not quite sure what to do about this. I told him that I was okay with him not wanting to do that kind of stuff, but I feel like he's kinda closing his mind up to....well everything. Any ideas on what I should do?
BrightStar171
Member # 64549
posted 10-11-2011 06:50 AM
Well, it depends. Obviously, you can't ever make someone's values change to match your own. Their values are what they are, so you have to decide if their values are compatible enough with your own to have a successful relationship. Certainly sometimes two people's values can be so different that it's very, very unlikely that they would ever be able to stay together long-term, simply because they want such very different things out of the relationship and out of life. Whether or not that's something that is true for you (not just here, but in every relationship) is something you typically have to decide for yourself. That said, as well, especially when we're younger our values are still growing and changing, just like us. So just because he thinks this now doesn't necessarily mean he'll think it a year from now (though for the time being you certainly need to take him at his word). It might be worth trying to talk through what he means by dignity with him. I agree with you that it's kind of troubling that he seems to equate consensual sexual activity with a loss of dignity. That sort of attitude can lead to all sorts of problematic places (especially, I would add, if he thinks that engaging in sexual activity with you would harm YOUR dignity, but not his own.) The other thing I can't quite tell from your post- it sounds like you're a little bit bothered by the fact that he's closing his mind to a lot of sexual activity not just because of the dignity comment, but maybe also because it's activity you want to engage in someday, and the idea that he's just dismissing it out of hand is troubling to you? If that's also something that's bothering you, I'd be happy to talk about that a little bit more, too; just let me know. [ 10-11-2011, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: BrightStar171 ]
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-11-2011 01:15 PM
I think BrightStar gave you a lot of excellent food for thought. I think the only thing I'd add right now is this: do you currently feel comfortable dating this person, as things stand? Or, do you think you maybe need to adjust how you're dating while you figure that out, like, perhaps, by taking any kind of physical intimacy off the table, maybe even tabling discussion about it while you see if you two really mesh or don't in other areas? I ask that because while this isn't a small thing, it is only one part of a relationship. And it seems to me that a mismatch here would be a bigger or smaller deal depending on if you two were really on the same page in other areas or not.
GlassPassenger13
Member # 82582
posted 10-11-2011 08:28 PM
to BrightStar: Yeah, one of the big reasons it does bother me is because I really did want to do that kind of stuff with him, but I don't want to push the envelope you know? He has some very....conservative views, to say the least, and I'm not sure what to do about them because I'm very liberal about this stuff. Heather: I do really like him and I'm very comfortable with dating him most of the time. There's just some things that we have a hard time talking about. Like, for example, we were just talking, him, a friend of his and me, and we were talking about how guys can go shirtless and girls can't and I started saying how I dont really think that's fair, and me and his friend got into a pretty vicious arguement. Well, later I told him that some of the things his friend said got me mad and I called him "a sexist pig" (which i shouldnt have done. i know that) and then he shot off at me, pretty much pinning the entire arguement on me. And, goodness, i dont know. I mean, I apologized, but there are just some things that we do not mesh with...
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-11-2011 08:38 PM
So, am I right that it sounds like there's a theme in the places where you don't mesh, and they are primarily around gender and gender equity?
GlassPassenger13
Member # 82582
posted 10-12-2011 05:21 AM
yeah, I'd say thats about right, even though I hate to admit it.
redupright
Member # 73255
posted 10-12-2011 10:23 AM
Why do you hate to admit that there are differences in the ways that the two of you view gender equity?
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-12-2011 11:10 AM
That sounds like something I'd like to know to move this forward, too. And how you feel about that being the place where you observe you two having core differences, both around sex and sexuality, but also in a broader way. Like, how does that make you feel -- "hate to admit" suggests not good, but I don't want to make assumptions, and a bit more info than that would be helpful -- and what does that kind of core difference mean, to you, as a person and per what you want in your dating relationships (or any relationships)?
GlassPassenger13
Member # 82582
posted 10-12-2011 06:29 PM
Well, I hate to admit it because we actually have a ton of things in common, and we're both pretty hard headed people. So, I'm sure he's just as unhappy as I am over the fact that we both have opposing views on this. I don't really think that it has affected our relationship yet, since we havent been dating very long, but I feel like it could cause problems in the future, and I really dont want that, you know? I mean, he is a really nice guy, but he has his moments (as all guys do).
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-12-2011 07:12 PM
Well, I agree that if and when someone is not on board with thinking of whatever our gender is as equitable with their own, or doesn't think our gender having equity is important, that often isn't a portent of a good relationship to come. Or, perhaps more aptly, if and when someone presents ideas about our gender in relationship to theirs routinely that are a certain way, we can expect those same ideas to show up in the dynamics of our relationship. Have you two ever talked together about these conflicts and how you feel about them? On a gender note, though, I'd add that EVERYONE "has their moments," of all genders. So, that's not just about guys. As well, I don;t think I'd call -- if that's what the deal is here -- not supporting or feeling the import of gender equity as "having a moment." That seems like a pretty light gloss on something potentially really big, you know?
GlassPassenger13
Member # 82582
posted 10-17-2011 09:16 PM
yeah, we actually did talk about it and he said that he didnt realize exactly what he said and when I told him why I was upset he said that he realized how close minded that sounded. So, I guess a little of the problem was somewhat resolved.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2011 12:26 PM
So, how are you feeling about this now? Mind, I think it always stands to mention that dating is a process of SEEING if we want to pursue a deeper relationship with someone. So, you (both!) get to take whatever amount of time you want to figure out if you want to keep dating or not, if you want to get more serious or not, and some of the criteria people tend to use in considering those things are things like what someone thinks of their gender and how they view you or your gender in relationship to them and theirs. So, if it turns out how he is about this is a dealbreaker for you, that's okay. And if, in the meantime, you're not sure about that, but are enjoying spending time together, it's not like it's not okay to keep spending that time if you want to.