T O P I C R E V I E W
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-09-2011 01:53 PM
Sorry, I am sort of blabbing a bit here, but anything will help! I recently started to date my current boyfriend, and he is just great! I met him about a month ago, and we have been dating for 3 weeks, so there is not much down time between that. I think we just felt it was right to go in that direction. Anyways, I am a relationship kind of person. I am usually always in one, and I love giving my partner attention and showing my love and how much I care for the person that I am with. My boyfriend is the opposite. He has ever really been in a relationship for more than 6 months and is use to being independent and on his own. I am 23 and he is 26 if you want to know that too. I am just at a crossroads in a way because I am way more outgoing with the way I feel and he has been sort of quieter than me (which is unusual for someone that I am with. I am usually the quieter one). He has been awesome with showing me his passions and I am really into them, but I sort of this he thinks that I am being fake. He says that I say he is awesome at everything, which may be true but I really think so (at least at what he has shown/told me about)! Another thing is that he is comfortable with asking me to do things for him, for example, he is always stressed so he asks me for back rubs. I do it for him. He sort of directs me to what he wants, but he does not do things for me in return. I know it has only been a short period of time, but I am sort of craving attention from him. I can't even give him a kiss anywhere without him wiping it off saying it was too wet. I guess I am wondering how can I make him open up to me? I realize that this process cannot be rushed by any means because then it is forced and not meaningful. With that said, I want to be able to get that, and I hate to say it, attention from him. I do not want to sound like a spoiled brat, but I feel that I show him that I really like him often and I do not get any signals of that nature in return. What should I do?
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-09-2011 02:42 PM
You don't sound like a spoiled brat, it sounds like you feel the relationship with this person is rather one-sided. I wouldn't worry that you'e only been together three weeks, it's still a relationship, and when we're younger, sometimes weeks is all a relationship can last. So it's definately worth being worthwhile from the beginning. It also doesn't matter that he hasn't had much relationship ecperience and you have - healthy relationships cannot ever be one-sided. Have you been vocal and clear about what you want, such as hugs, kisses, back rubs etc? Here's a couple of links for you that may be helpful with this situation: - http://www.scarleteen.com/article/read/reciprocity_reloaded Just as talking about what you need sexually with a partner is important, so is talking about relationship needs - such as needing more affection so a relationship doesn't become one-sided. Babbling is a good thing! - This article may halp you communicate your emotional and physical needs to him: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner [ 10-09-2011, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-09-2011 03:22 PM
I definitely know that a healthy relationship starts can only happen when both sides are in it. This is definitely not just about sex either...he is definitely vocal about what he wants for that. It is just everything else. I want to give this relationship a chance before I shut it down, but I just do not know how to do that when I get nothing in return. He toldme a few days ago that he likes me too and he wants me to be his girlfriend but he said it is going to take time for him to get use to being in a relationship because he hasn't had one in a while and is so use to being independent. Is there anything I can do to help him break out of that shell, or just take that wall down?
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-09-2011 03:33 PM
Showing affection for a partner can't make someone less independent. Independence means that someone is able to take care of themselves emotionally. It doesn't mean that they are unable to show affection, if you know what I mean? However, he wants affectionate touches from you, right? He 'directs you' to do what he wants, like asking for back-rubs. Have you tried asking him for a kiss or a hug or for him to give you a back-rub instead of you always rubbing his back?
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-09-2011 04:04 PM
I try to keep saying to myself that showing affection should not effect anything, but at the same time my brain keeps saying oh he will eventually come around, but I guess I do not know that for sure. I do not really think I have asked for anything, but I have just gone for it and he'll either wipe it off or for example last night he just turned away (but not always). I do not know if that was suppose to be on purpose or anything either so I could just be over analyzing the whole thing. I do know though he does not like it when people are dependent on thier boyfriends or girlfriends, but again that really has nothing to do with showing affection or at least that you are interested. Guhhhh
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-09-2011 04:15 PM
Sounds like you have the right idea about independence not affecting the amount of affection we show. Wiping off kisses does sound kinda mean to me, as does turning away. I'm not sure if you could over-analyse it; he must have seen that you were trying to kiss him - unless you were behind him? You have it exactly right here; needing a boyfriend to show that he is interested in you is not being dependent. So, the best thing to do here is to say to your boyfriend: 'I would really like us to be able to kiss, would you like that too?' or 'I would like us to hug sometimes, if that's okay with you.' [ 10-09-2011, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-09-2011 04:34 PM
Actually I was behind him when I was typing that out, that's why I said I am not sure if he meant it. So I really want to talk to him about it, but he is traveling home for a while and I will not see him for about a week. Is texting a bad way to bring this up? (I am a little anxious to see what he has to say, but I do not want me to text it if it looks bad or if it is just not appropriate).
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-10-2011 05:35 AM
If you feel you can wait, waiting until you can talk in person might be the best plan. However, if you don't feel you can wait that long - do you and your boyfriend like to have long conversations on the phone, where you really open up to each other?
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-10-2011 12:39 PM
Wanna know something funny? He texted me alst night apologizing for being a "bad boyfriend" so far...He hasn't been, but he has realized it too all on his own that something needed to be done =) ThHank you for talking me through that
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-10-2011 01:59 PM
You're very welcome!
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-15-2011 09:39 AM
I'm back... So I thought everything was ok, but he broke up with me because he said he was forcing things with himself and cannot take being in something serious right now. I thought he was full of it and it was something I did, but then he said he did not want to close the door on us. That definitely tells me that he wants to try again one day. I want this so bad, but I do not want to force Do you think there is anything I can do to convince him i guess or just give him little pushes to remind him that I am here and willing to work with him? I told him that but he still said no.
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-16-2011 06:09 AM
Hi again ShortAndSweet, I'm afraid that there isn't anything we can do when someone doesn't feel they are ready for a relationship. Given his attitude and level of commitment to the relationship in the first place, such as not showing any affection, moving away when you try to kiss him; wiping kisses away; it really doesn't sound like this relationship would be a good thing for you. I know that sucks, but being attracted to someone unfortunately doesn't mean the relationship would be any fun for you, especially if he isn't wanting the same kind of relationship as you do, or any relationship at all. I really wouldn't put the blame on yourself here; it's really nothing you did. The best steps now would be to try and heal from this confusing relationship. Sometimes people don't want the same kind of relationship as we do, at the same moment in time, and it's not because of anything we did or who we are. Nobody knows whether you will both be wanting the same kind of relationship (or a relationship with anyone at all) in the future. However, for now, it's a good time to do some self-care; focus on the things that normally make you feel better when you feel down; whether that might be listening to music, taking a long bath or going out with friends. It takes time to get better from this kind of hurt, but we xan take a little step towards feeling a bit better every day. How are you feeling today? [ 10-16-2011, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-16-2011 10:20 AM
Just feel like I was sort of dumped to the side. I know we were only together for a few weeks, but I just did not like the way he just let me go like that. I feel like it is something I did, but he said it wasn't...he said that is was just all him and in his head, but I feel like that is a cliche answer. I am trying to get over it. The thing that bothers me the most is that he did it. He did it through a text message, and when I got it and tried to call he said he was with his family and could not answer. really??! I feel like I never got to really express how I am feeling. I asked him many questions about why, but I want to see him and actaully have a conversation with him explaining my side. Last night I asked him is he could see me this week and he said to cool down. It sucks...I do not want to be dramatic because it was only a few weeks, but I really like him. I never really felt like that in a short period of time with a person before, so I want to try anything I can to have another go at this whether it be now or later.
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-16-2011 02:44 PM
By all means, sending a text is a really thoughless and just awful way to end a relationship. So, I totally understand why that would be so painful. It's okay; you don't have to put any pressure on yourself to heal from this hurt, it takes a lot of time for most people to get to get into a mental space where they feel better. When we're young, it's common for relationships to only span weeks, because we're still discovering who we are as individuals. A relationship that lasts weeks can feel as intense as one that spans over a year. Have you only spoken by text since he ended the relationship? [ 10-16-2011, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-16-2011 05:26 PM
Yea, only by texts. I left him alone the day after we broke up and didnt contact him at all thinking he just watned his space, but I contacted him last night because eh said he still wanted to talk to me. I just said hi i hope your day went well and he did not respond. I texted again asking if we could talk and he just said yea right away, so I thought he was available to talk so I called and then he didnt pick up but texted that he was driving. That is when I just asked again if we could talk as soon as possible in person, he said ya, then i said how about monday night, and he said i dont know. cool down. I just don't get it.
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-17-2011 08:48 AM
It really does sound like he isn't being clear about what he wants here. When people aren't being clear or seem very confused about what they actually want, and keep on saying yes and then no; it usually means that they aren't in a good mental space to have a fulfilling relationship. One possible option would be to send him a 'contact me when and if you want to talk in person' text, and then switch to focus to yourself and getting better from this hurt. This might take the pressure off you to always be the one who makes the effort, which isn't fair or balanced. Another option here might be to have a clean break from him, without any contact, until everything stops feeling so painful, desperate and uncomfortable. I know how badly you want to be back into a relationship with this person, but a breather might be a good idea. This breather could be used to focus on how you feel about yourself; do you think you deserve a better partner than he has been? One who is open and discusses things in person, one who is just as dedicated to a relationship as you are? A partner who gives you closure when they choose to end the relationship? A partner who is 100% sure they want a relationship? A partner who lavishes affection on you and gets excited and blissed-out when you lavish affection on him? A boyfriend who runs to answer the phone when you call him? You sound to me, ShortAndSweet, like a really fun and caring person who would be happy with a partner who is definately as commited as you are. After having a breather, and healing from all the hurt and confusion this relationship has caused you, you could end up with a partner like that, or the previous one if he really changes his mind about having an equal, healthy relationship and what that entails. Really loving yourself here may help you heal. You deserve a loving, affectionate, equal relationship with a person who respects you enough to communicate with you what they are feeling about the relationship. and with someone who is delighted and excited to have a relationship with you. But, before that happens, healing and taking care of yourself - including really learning to love yourself, may be a course of action. What makes you a great person, do you think? [ 10-17-2011, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-17-2011 09:04 PM
I mean, I do not want to be cocky or arrogant haha, but I really do think I am a great person and a great girlfriend! I have believed that for as long as I can remember! I think that what bugs me the most too, is that I know I could have helped him. But oh well, his loss I guess. We texted last night and I am just making a clean break. I do not plan on texting him anymore...we will see what happens! I am just gonna get over it and move on..see what happens next! I'm excited! Soo can i recommend you for helping me out all the time haha! Thank you again =)
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-18-2011 04:50 PM
That doesn't sound cocky or arrogant, I think so, too. Sounds like you have a good plan here, and you're very welcome about the help. Feel free to come back anytime and let me know how everything's going!
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-21-2011 08:28 PM
So we got into an arguement through text because it is the only way he will communicate with me, and after he apologized for being insensitive, and then we kept on talking and he finally said that he missed me, was really sad, and asked me to drive over to his place and spend the night with him. I drove over there...and it felt so good to get that first hug and to hold him and for him to hold me. I think he knew it too. I feel so silly because I have only known him for only a few months, but I know there is something there. I hope we can try again soon...
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-22-2011 03:38 AM
It's not silly. It's common for relationships to only last months when we're young, let alone feelings. If you do choose to try again, remember how much you deserve an equal and fair relationship with him. Have you asked him about communicating in a way other than texting - or are you happy with texting for now?
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-23-2011 01:14 PM
I think I am ok with the texting because I know that he does need his space. He does not like to talk on the phone anyways. I just don't think I am going to be making too many moves and let him initiate most of the time so that it does not seem like I am putting pressure on him. I am just confused on what he wants I guess. We had an awesome night together the first time I saw him in a while, and then last night was good, but just missing something. AHHH I might just be over analyzing haha
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-23-2011 04:31 PM
Sometimes, it's a really good idea to listen to our gut feelings. If you feel something is missing, and you don't feel fully content; there's a good chance you aren't getting something you need. It's a great idea about letting him initiate mostly - that way it won't seem like you are always the one making the effort in the relationship. It sounds like a plan that would work well for you both.
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-23-2011 04:52 PM
Yea, I think it is a good plan too. I might be making an excuse, but maybe I feel like I am not getting what I need becasue he doesn't know how to give it yet, which brings me to the fact that he isn't ready for something serious? It just needs time, but I am not being patient haha. I need to practice what I preach adn see what happens I guess. I really hope it works out in my favor though, because I can feel something good developing in my gut, but then again my gut does tell me that I am missing something. I hope the gap can be bridged.
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-24-2011 04:46 AM
Do you know exactly what it is that feels like it's missing?
ShortAndSweet
Member # 34672
posted 10-24-2011 05:44 AM
I feel like the closeness is gone since we broke up because he wanted space. I just want some effection, but we are not together, so I cannot expect it or blame him for not giving it to me.
RaeRay2112
Member # 49582
posted 10-25-2011 06:56 AM
Being in a sexual relationship with someone, is being in a relationship with them; just a casual one, or a friends-with-benefits type of thing. So, it's not out of bounds to ask for your need to be respected. It sounds like you and him want different kinds of relationships right now. It seems like he wants something more casual, but hasn't been totally clear about that in the past, and you would like something more exclusive and serious. Have I got that right? Here are some links about whe we find we are involved with someone who wants something different to us:http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/supermodel_creating_nurturing_your_own_best_relationship_models http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/all_i_want_is_to_be_held_but_thats_not_what_keeps_happening http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/safer_sex_for_your_heart http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/am_i_stupid_for_loving_a_guy_who_only_wants_sex