T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 28746
posted 09-11-2011 09:25 PM
Let me explain my situation (I've explained a lot of our past in another thread. Feel free to go back and read my last thread). First, I'm 24 (and she is 23). I dated a girl for a year and then she moved to Germany for a year on scholarship. The year she was here was amazing. We were really inseparable. Totally in love. We didnt want to break up for the year she was gone and decided to tough it out until she got back. Problem was, she got another scholarship after that. So she decided to live in Germany for a 2nd year. Everything was ok while she was gone. I visited her twice and we got by. It wasnt perfect, but it was all we had.
So, we broke up in Feb (while she was still over in Germany for her 2nd year). The distance really killed us. She has a hard time being in a relationship if that person isnt on the same continent. Skype calls cant really replace actually being there. For the past 2-3 months or so, she's been really wanting to tell me something that she did over there that I wont like. I didnt want to hear it. We were broken up and there is no reason why I should go through the pain of hearing those kinds of details. But its been killing her. She claims we are always so honest with each other and it really bothers her keeping this from me. About a month ago, she visited the US and saw me on her visit. We spent 4-5 days together and pretty much rekindled everything. We dont know how to be friends. Whenever shes around, all the emotions come rushing back for the both of us. Then she tells me she may be moving back to America for grad school. And we've been talking a lot lately. We both really hope she gets into a grad school near my town. And she would want to date again. Today, she told me the bad thing she has been dying to tell me. About 3 weeks before we broke up, she got super drunk and had sex with some guy. Typical situation. Guy saying "Come on, just dont tell him about this" etc etc. She feels awful about it. Wish it didnt happen. Says it wouldn't have happened if she wasnt drunk and DEFINITELY wouldnt have happened if I lived nearby. But she had been gone for 1.5 years and was getting lonely, I guess. So now what do I do? I love her. When we are together, its absolutely amazing. I love her so much. And she loves me a lot. I know she does. Im honestly surprised this happened though. I didnt think she was this kind of girl. She said she had to tell me if we had any intentions of getting back together. Can I forgive her? Should I? Does it make things better that I hadn't been there in 1.5 years? Does it make it better that she was drunk? That she regrets it? If she moves back to the US, can we still successfully date and put the past behind us? I feel like we are a near perfect couple if you take away that one event. What do I do? [ 09-11-2011, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]
Member # 25425
posted 09-12-2011 07:17 AM
At its core, cheating is a betrayal of trust, so I don't think there are every any excuses for that. However, there are certainly
explanations, and it's always up to the person who has been betrayed to decide whether they want to continue the relationship or not. That's very, very individual and depends on the people involved and the specific situation. So, unfortunately, there is no pat answer here. How do you feel about this? Do you think you can accept her explanation? Do you want to forgive her? Do you think that you want to work towards trusting her again, and do you think that she is ready and willing to help you rebuild that trust? That's your call to make, but we're happy to talk it through with you to help you work out your thoughts.
Member # 28746
posted 09-12-2011 11:48 AM
I'm not sure there is an explanation that would make everything OK. What she did was wrong. But Im not sure if it is as bad as it could be. That being said, she is now the 4th girl I've dated that has cheated on me. What's sad is I feel I should be more upset about it. But its happened to me so many times before. I really thought she wasn't going to do that. I had convinced myself that all of the other girls didnt respect me and took me for granted and she didnt. And 99% of the time I feel she is still an amazing girl. Shes thoughtful, loving, caring, etc Everything I would want. But that one night she cheated. And it kills me. I REALLY wanted her to be the girl that didnt do that to me. I think I could learn to accept it if she helps me out. I would want her to show me that wasn't like her. That she really does love me and respect me. If she moves back to my city, I think it could be done. But it may take a year or two to really make me feel better about it all.
But to answer your questions, I want to forgive her. I love her so much. But what she did was wrong. I really wish she would've stopped and thought about what she was doing. She was risking her whole relationship with me for that one drunken night. She was willing to trade our whole 2.5 year relationship for that ONE night. It absolutely shatters me. I'm still so surprised she would do that of all people. Im really really disappointed in her.
Member # 3
posted 09-12-2011 12:03 PM
Do you want to talk about this pattern of partners not honoring the exclusivity agreements you've made, or stick with talking about this one person for now?
Member # 28746
posted 09-12-2011 04:12 PM
I think the problem as a whole needs to be addressed as well as this one person.
First girl, went to Germany for a 2 month vacation. Had sex with a guy while there. Second girl, things were bound to go wrong. She moved to TN and for some reason we decided to stay together. She had sex with a guy at a party. Third girl, I was at college a couple towns over. I visited her every weekend. One weekend while I was visiting her he got drunk at a party and made out with a guy. Fourth girl, I've just told you about. Drunk at a party and have sex with a guy. I think most of this comes from being young and insecure. 2 of the 4 girls had a big problem with that. They needed someone there all the time and I wasn't (due to college and moving out of state). The first girl was 16. Young and stupid I guess. And this current girl, I have no idea. Shes smart, sensible, thoughtful, caring, loving, good head on her shoulders, confident, etc. She did it because she started having feelings for someone else because I hadnt been there in 1.5 years (aside from visiting for about a month and a half total). After getting super drunk at a party and persuasion on his part, she agreed to do it. As for me, I think I give girls this idea that everything will be ok. Not to gloat, but I do my best to make girls feel super super comfortable. Im honest about everything, Im really nice, and understanding. I guess they feel they can do that and get away with it? Or I will make things better? At least thats what the first 3 thought. I tend to think this most recent girl is different somehow.
Member # 3
posted 09-12-2011 06:22 PM
Or, maybe some of this -- not trying to dismiss your valid feelings of betrayal or excuse anyone's chosen behavior -- is about people perhaps really wanting or needing in-person relationships rater than LDRs?
Mind, I agree with you. It sounds like some of this might be being of an age where a lot of people are first experiencing freedom and autonomy for the first time and learning about how to deal with it in the bungling way so many people do. But it might also be about some of the trouble with doing long-term relationships when young: for most people in their teens and early twenties, it's common for relationships to last only months or even only weeks. Again, none of this is to dismiss what I am sure hurts like hell, nor to suggest people aren't responsible for their choices or capable of making ones that are less hurtful. But, moving forward, and with the aim of making these outcomes less likely for you, maybe you might want to try something in-person that stays in person and also maybe doesn't get serious very fast, or even exclusive until after a while, when you and the other person can be sure that's what you both want and feel able to really commit to? That said, are you saying with this last person this guy coerced her? If so, then we need to be talking about an abuse here and recognizing that however painful this has been on your end, it doesn't make sense to talk about it as a fully elective choice on her part. Booze + coercion is sexual assault. A partner who chose to break an exclusivity agreement and a partner who was assaulted or abused are very different things. (And ArridDry, I'm so sorry. I know you've been through the mill a few times, and this sucks.) [ 09-12-2011, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 47229
posted 09-24-2011 09:50 PM
Hi Heather, September & others!
I have a follow up question to the above because I've recently found myself in a similar situation. I was also in an LDR situation, and my partner had a lot of difficulty with the distance and lack of physical presence, and as a result asked for a break to see other people. Between asking for the break and our discussing what that was going to mean for us, my partner broke my trust in initiating a physical/friends with benefits relationship with someone else before we'd talked. We've agreed to try it out now that I'm back in town. What's making it complicated for me is that the other person is still in his life as a friend and colleague, and I'm having difficulty rebuilding trust as a result. In a situation wherein the betrayed party does agree to try again, what are some strategies, for both the individual and couple, for rebuilding that trust?
Member # 80512
posted 09-26-2011 03:57 PM
No, it's a betrayal of trust