T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 47840
posted 02-27-2011 09:09 AM
I'd like to preface this by stating that I'm not an alcoholic or a party girl. I have a lot of fun without alcohol, and I don't understand people who need alcohol to have a good time (especially when they're with friends).
That being said, I enjoy a casual drink every now and then. A beer with a friend, or a glass of wine with dinner. I like the taste of it. I just turned 21 the other night, and I'm excited that now I'll be able to order a drink when we go someplace nice for dinner, or if I go out on a girls' night with some friends. My boyfriend is a year older than me and he doesn't drink at all. He's never tried anything and has no desire to. Previously, I've never had a problem with this. I've limited my drinking to when I'm with my one friend, or when I'm at family dinners, because those were the only places I was allowed to. On my 21st birthday, my family took me and my bf out to dinner, and I had a glass of wine with the meal and a mixed drink after it. When we'd gone home, even after we'd eaten dessert, he refused to kiss me until I'd brushed my teeth because I tasted like alcohol. This really hurt my feelings and now all I can wonder is if it's going to be like this every time. If when we go out to a nice dinner to celebrate and I order a drink it'll just kill the mood right after because he won't want to kiss me. Or if we move in together and I have a drink occasionally. It makes me feel really guilty for drinking or wanting to drink when he just gets quiet and wants nothing to do with it at all. He says he doesn't mind that I like alcohol and he doesn't, but it usually seems to make him uncomfortable (even though I don't get drunk by any stretch of the imagination) and then he doesn't want to kiss me or be intimate with me. I know that I can just carry gum with me or compromise and brush my teeth after I've been drinking or whatever, but it seems really inconvenient. Especially when I consider that I want to be with him for a long time. We've been together for almost four years and we've talked about marriage and whatever else already. What happens if this continues to be a problem for him and for me? Should I limit my drinking to just when I'm around friends (extremely rarely)? Should I have to? Should I just suck it up and swish mouthwash every time I'm done?
Member # 3
posted 02-27-2011 09:10 AM
Does he has any personal history with drinking or alcoholism?
Member # 47840
posted 02-27-2011 09:17 AM
Nope. His parents drink socially and never ever ever to excess. His brother doesn't drink. His sister is a party girl type and goes out drinking with her friends occasionally. To my knowledge, no one in his family is an alcoholic or has a drinking problem.
Member # 3
posted 02-27-2011 09:22 AM
Have you ever asked him to just talk about why he feels so strongly about this?
Member # 47840
posted 02-27-2011 09:31 AM
I've asked him before and he just shrugs and says he doesn't mind me drinking but he isn't going to. He says he hates the way it smells and tastes. If I push the subject too much he gets annoyed. Or if I ask him to taste something because I think he might like it. It's kind of frustrating because even though he says he doesn't mind if I have a drink, he responds differently to me after I've had one and it makes me feel really guilty about it.
Member # 3
posted 02-27-2011 09:39 AM
So, here's what it sounds like to me: it's really unclear why he feels the way he does, but he does feel this way. It also sounds like he feels stronger about drinking than he tends to present his feelings. That given, I think you need to figure this is either going to be an issue like it is for a while, or might always be one, and make your choices accordingly, deciding if you're okay with doing things like limiting drinking around him or maybe not doing it all, and brushing your teeth after you've been drinking. Both of those things probably aren't huge deals, but it really depends on how you feel about them and if they feel like huge deals -- or dealbreakers -- to you. I do think it's worth saying that sometimes - I'd even say often -- couples are going to have one or two things like this where someone just likes something someone else really doesn't. For instance, I'm vegan and have dated and lived with carnivores. What has that meant? I prefer not having meat in my house, and I would also be someone asking folks to brush teeth if they ate meat before kissing me. Limits like that might be no big deal for some folks, but feel restrictive to others, and I don't think there's a right or wrong there, there's just what some people feel is no big deal to make small concessions with and others feel just feels uncomfortable for them. I hear you saying having a partner who doesn't drink and doesn't like drinking, on the whole, is something that you feel pretty uncomfortable about and which makes you feel guilty. Do you think that's about the drinking, specifically, or about not being comfortable with a partner who isn't supportive and okay with everything you do?