T O P I C R E V I E W
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 02-10-2011 07:54 PM
I've been dating my boyfriend, J, for just under two months. He' s my first boyfriend, so right now a lot of emotions that I'm experiencing and activities that I'm partaking in are very new for me. It's exciting, thrilling, and scary (but good scary, like this is new and I'm not sure how to react, not like fear or being unsafe). Along with these new emotions has come a lot of questions and I'm having trouble sorting out how I'm feeling, so I was wondering if anyone could offer insight, advice, or help me investigate further how I'm feeling?
The thoughts and questions that I'm having trouble with: Sometimes I don't find my boyfriend attractive; I look at him and feel nothing, or feel not disgust, but something milder (but in that family of emotions). The same thing goes for emotional attraction to him, sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don't. I know that I'm not always going to be extremely sexually attracted to him and always get turned on when I see him or anything like that, however it is extremely distressing when I find him unattractive. I feel terrible that I don't feel super attracted to him all the time, and feeling so bad about not always being attracted to him makes it hard to be attracted to him too. But conversely sometimes I look at him and I'm super attracted to him both emotionally and physically. When I feel like that, it makes me wonder whether this relationship is right for me at all. I DO NOT want to break up with him, but that doesn't mean it's not something I don't think or worry about. Sometimes it feels futile to be in a relationship at all because it will probably end, especially considering it's my first relationship. It just feels like since either we'll be together forever or we won't, that we're wasting our time. But I suppose that if I applied that philosophy to life then I would be saying that life is not worth living because it will end in death, which isn't a very good philosophy at all. It also bothers me that I'm not J's first girlfriend. I've accepted that fact, but I don't like it. It is especially weird for me that the only "real" relationship that he's ever had is with a friend of mine. This friend is absolutely fine with this, we've talked about it and she said she's fine with it. She even said that I'm a better match for J than she was and that he's a good guy (which really meant a lot to me).It just bothers me when I'm making out with him and I know that she's made out with him, or when he is touching my breasts and I know that he's done the same with her. It makes me extremely jealous that he went further with her than he has with me, it makes me want to go further than that but, I won't until we're both ready, which won't be for some time which makes me even more jealous. I wonder what it is that I want to get out of a relationship and what I want to put into it. I worry that I'm not getting what I should be out of my relationship or putting in what I should be, but I'm not sure what that is. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy with my relationship, I'm just afraid of getting hurt emotionally or emotionally hurting J. I don't like not knowing how to assess my own feelings, it makes me feel like I'm not in control. I'm not quite sure how I feel, or whether I should be feeling this way.
Member # 20094
posted 02-11-2011 10:34 AM
Hey moonlight - sorry to hear you're having a bit of a rough time with this! First relationships can be so intense in so many ways, and confusing at times too, so you're definitely not alone in feeling the way you do.
First of all, I'd let go of the idea that you "should" be feeling any one way. No one gets to choose how they feel, and there's no right or wrong when it comes to emotions. You feel what you feel, and whatever that is is perfectly fine. Also, there is no rule that says we have to feel exactly the same way about a given person all the time. Our feelings towards others can vary quite a lot even over a short period of time, and that's totally normal. Even if we're in a long-term romantic relationship with someone, there will be times when we don't feel much attraction, and times when we do. If you find over time that maybe you're not feeling the attraction at all, then it might be that a romantic/sexual relationship isn't the best fit for the two of you. But you've only been seeing each other for a very short time, so I wouldn't make any judgments about this just yet. You're still getting to know each other, feeling out where this might go, and while it's tempting to think of this as "either we'll be together forever or we won't", relationships of any kind don't tend to be so black and white. Ultimately, I think your best bet here - and I know it's tough - is to try and let go of worrying so much about what might or might not happen, and just enjoy where you are now. Just date. Have fun. See where it goes. As far as jealousy goes, it can be really hard to think about the idea that the person who's with you now has been with other people in the past. But J isn't dating your friend anymore, he's dating you. Too, the older you get, the more likely it is that every person you date will have dated other people at some point in the past. It doesn't say anything about their relationship with YOU. I know this response is kind of all over the place, but does any of that help you at all?
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 02-11-2011 07:07 PM
Yes, thank you this definitely helps. It is really good to hear from someone else that it is absolutely reasonable to be feeling the way I do. I am going to take your advice to try and stop worrying about it (and you're right it will be hard). Thank you for the advice!
Member # 20094
posted 02-11-2011 07:50 PM
You're very welcome. Glad I could help.