T O P I C ††† R E V I E W
Member # 50403
posted 01-22-2011 09:29 PM
Because I've never had one, in the traditional sense, and I don't know. Does anyone know this feeling? (Sorry if it's cryptic and lacking capital letters. Sometimes you might not know what I'm talking about, and it might look like I'm referring to one thing when actually I'm referring to something else. But I was really just trying to work things out myself. Clearly, I'm still lost.)
you know the feeling where youíre still like you might break out in shivers, and your heart seems connected to your fingers because you canít breathe and your hands are weak and you have the strongest sensation of pain and need in your fingertips, because heís there. heís in the room, maybe seven feet away, and so far away. thereís no way you can touch, no way you can go near, no excuse. you steal little glances because staring would be weird. heís out of reach. you donít even know why youíre fixating on him, but heís something. the closest thing to what you want, so of course itís him. thereís no justification for making it his issue when itís yours. no way you can bother him. no way you can even get close without being weird, and that means thereís no way. he doesnít even want that. itís like objectification, what youíre doing, thinking like this with him five feet away, and youíre wasting every moment youíre not looking at him, but you canít just watch him because then heíd know, or someone would ask but no one ever does. you do watch him, sometimes, when you canít look away. no one notices. why would they? itís not their responsibility to notice how youíre feeling. no one watches you like that. so why would they notice? maybe itís just your little hangups, your refusal to look at him like that because youíre not his responsibility either. heís not yours to watch, to touch, to look for. there are no casual hugs - except when there are, and then youíre still and desperate. craving for touch, is what it is. if anyone touched you like that - proprietary, friendly, slinging an arm around your shoulder - if only you had people to do that. but youíre not one of them. not like that. so of course youíre going to imagine. but thereís no point, is there? even if you did watch, it would just be imagining. all youíre going to have to remember is imagining. you were never something. thereís no reason youíd be together when you never did anything. itís not something youíd ever expect, no reason youíd be the one imagining, six feet away and no connection. and thatís all it is, isnít it. really, just a craving for connection. for something clear and persistent. some people have it, some donít, and you canít get over being alone. because youíre not, youíre just another person, you have a group but not like that. people who would notice when youíre gone but donít look for you when youíre invisible, who notice when you do something worth noticing like say something or be absent. but if youíre there, thereís no reason they would seek you out, fling an arm around you, take a pencil from your hand or give you anything you didnít ask for. and you canít expect that. you canít wait for something you never asked for. and you canít ask. that would defeat the purpose. you canít ask for someone like that. you know what itís like to be alone. it hurts and you need. and youíve got nothing. nothing you have and nothing to give. so of course you havenít the energy to care enough to take notes on your history chapter. youíll never get anything like this. [ 01-22-2011, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: adiemus ]
Member # 50403
posted 01-22-2011 10:14 PM
On second thoughts, it looks like maybe just an acute case of loneliness. In a crowd. Still, how do you deal with it?
Member # 46362
posted 01-29-2011 01:01 PM
hi, I hope you had better periods too since you wrote this
I can't really give you advice in this specific topic, and am sorry for it, just wanted to say that I remember feeling something like that in groups (not concentrating the energy to one person, just feeling out and hopeless)... and while I'm nowhere near completely resolving all those stuff, it did change somewhat over the years, and recently I did start therapy, and worked a bit at least to understand where is it coming from. and the obvious answer is that I have imagined people belonging in these very disinct classes, the rest of the world and me, where the rest can get choosen and liked and gotten interested in, while for me, it just wasn't realistic. So I din't have too much energy to even try, used to shut down and didn't go out to find the kind of people I would have felt more at home with. and this was 1. a reasonable conclusion to draw from the few experiences I had, so no guit here (and beating myself up for it would be meaningless), but 2. something that just wasn't true. so now I'm going to a psychologist for help, and I really recommend it for you too (if you have the chance). (I'd like to recommend you an article about topics like 1. feeling worthless 2. the deconstruction of it, written by Heather about her own life: http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/11/15/that_guy) good luck with everything... you deserve much more.
bump on a log
Member # 60751
posted 04-07-2011 09:17 AM
Hey adiemus, I don't know if I should even answer this, since it's an old thread, but it's still on the first page after all...
What you wrote is what I feel, have felt about several different people, over a period of years. I've just started feeling it about someone new. You put it much better than I ever could. This is the most clear and exact description of my own experiences that I have ever read. With bitterly lonely people like me, I don't even know if there is that much difference between a crush and a longing to be mates with someone, except sexual attraction. For me, sexual attraction has always been a distinct element of the thing. I once was very much in love with someone and good friends with someone else I'd met through the person I loved. Thinking it over, I realised that if I, as a thought experiment, temporarily ignored the sexual attraction I felt for my beloved but not for my friend, my feelings for the loved one differed from my feelings for my friend not in kind but only in degree. It was a quantitative not a qualitative difference -- again, if you took away the sexual attraction element. But that's just my experience. How do I deal with it? I palliate myself with books, music, films, walks, food. I cry to my mother. I make (abortive, cause I'm shockingly lazy) attempts to increase my knowledge and achievement in order to increase my self-esteem. I make little tentative shuffles in the direction of the person I'm stuck on and sometimes win a smile, an arm round the shoulders, a friendly word that I can remember when I lie awake at night weeping because that person is gone from my life. Also, how old are you? I'm 22 and last year I connected with someone suddenly and completely unexpectedly. He's not really the sort of person I want to be with, there's so much I can't share with him politically and intellectually, but he is a good friend and makes my life a little better.
Member # 50403
posted 06-09-2011 10:04 PM
Thanks for the answers! I haven't been able to check back here for a while, as I've been busy with life changes and the like - well, moving to college. I'm 17, almost 18 now, just started taking classes...so I've yet to really meet people here, and it's a lot of change. This is on the second page now, but it's my thread so I can answer it
It's true that I've always seen myself as somewhat separate from the rest of the world, and I know it's fallacious but I'm pretty sure everyone think that way to some extent. But still, there's this idea of everyone else being able to lead "normal" lives with social interaction and me just not being part of that world...I don't feel like I can be. Not just because of my introversion - lots of people are introverts, but most of them still feel a need for interpersonal connection - but because I don't feel like the type of person other people think of as normal or just another person. I feel like other people would think of me as separate, not include me in their world of people..and I'm sure some of that is a self-fulfilling prophecy, but some of it comes from my experiences, and me acting based on the past. I'm not sure how I would break that cycle, if I can feel differently. That distinction (or lack thereof) between romantic and platonic attraction is something I've often wondered about, especially because I identify to some extent as asexual, and so these things look different to me and I have to pick them to pieces and find their logical basis. I've questioned the way romantic partners and friends act differently around each other, dating versus hanging out, when as far as I could tell the only real difference in their relationship was the sexual part. It's like, aren't all couples just friends-with-benefits? Isn't friendship love? Which is probably why I couldn't tell if my feelings were indicative of a "crush" or a need for friendship. Since then, you could say I've been better or you could say I've been resigned to not having that companionship. I was having a bit of a crisis, as it was my last year in high school and I didn't know whether this was something to act on and if so, how, but now I don't have much of a choice...it feels like something has passed, but also not. It also feels a bit like depression (not full-fledged depression, I don't think, because I experienced that and I like to think I'm better now) but it does feel like there's a blank space. In my heart, if I want to get sappy, lol. I do feel like there are things to do, things to be passionate about, that often alleviate that need. I have interests, I feel the drive to create and change things. I can channel desperation into music. Maybe, like you say, I should take that and look not just for connection to the world but also connection to individuals...