T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 44782
posted 06-25-2010 09:14 AM
I've come to this site a lot concerning this relationship, but a quick run-down of our history:
We were together for 9 months, and broke up at the end of January of this year due to wanting different things. We agreed upon a 2 month no contact period (suggested by me) just to give each other space and time to deal with things. After 2 months, he got into contact with me again just to catch up/see how i was etc. Everything was all good. Then around April/May he started seeing a new girl, yet would talk to me about how he felt guilty coz he felt like he was with her to get over me (a rebound kind of thing). At one point i thought i had feelings for him again, but that sub-sided. They were together for less than 2 months before breaking up. So now to my current situation. Yesterday he and i went out for lunch to catch up. We've been maintaining a friendship, and it's been nice. Eventually, though, the conversation went into relationship type subjects. I eventually found out he's currently in a 'friends with benefits' type relationship with the girl we basically broke up over. He'd liked her (and kissed her once) before we started dating, but he had wanted a relationship at the time and she did not. I always felt like he never fully got over her, even while we were together. And one night he went over to hers without telling me, for a movie night. And i found out he'd sent flirty texts to her (asking if she would've kissed him that night if he'd tried), of which she responded by saying no because he's in a relationship. I could never fully trust him again after that. So in a way i'm glad he's having some sort of relationship with her. Because i think if he didn't, she would effect every future relationship of his. At least now his feelings can be resolved one form or another. Anyway back to the lunch date. When i found out about his fwb relationship with this girl, i was a little hurt but generally ok. He drove me home, and i asked him inside to see our new dog. When we were inside, we just stood there looking at each other for a bit, and then he hugged me tightly saying "we're always going to have a roller-coaster relationship, aren't we" and i nodded and we were just embracing each other for a while. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but restrained myself. I could tell he wanted to as well. When neither of us did, i suggested i'd walk him back to his car. When we got to his car we were just looking at each other again, and i eventually admitted that i had wanted to kiss him when we were inside. He was like "aaaargh don't say that, coz i wanted to kiss you too." Then he asked what i thought the outcome of it would be, and i said i didn't know. And he said he didn't either, which means neither of us have thought this through. We talked a bit more and we eventually agreed that kisses are only problematic if the people involved place different meanings behind it. And he moved closer saying "Okay, this is a shared kiss between two people who care about each other..." and we kissed. For a long time. It felt like such a release for me. Then we said our goodbyes. Now i don't know what to think of it. Because at the moment we *do* both want the same things (a casual relationship) but he is currently having that with that other girl. So i figured, maybe it *was* just a kiss and that's it. But later that night i got a text from him saying "that kiss wasn't enough ". And i agreed (coz we both admitted that had we been inside the house, it probably would have led to more). So i guess i'm just caught in limbo right now. I want a casual relationship, and he does, but he technically has one already with someone else. At the moment they're not exclusive with each other, but do i really want to be his girl on the side? I'm so confused right now. I don't really know how to move forward at this stage, or what the next step i take should be.
Member # 3
posted 06-25-2010 10:00 AM
So, the first big question here seems to boil down to if you are comfortable having a casual relationship with him which is also open, and activity so, where he has a casual relationship now with someone else, as well. Paired with that question is is the other person he is seeing has that level of comfort. To go with both of THOSE, I'd say another big question is if you think he's capable of being honest with both of you in managing that kind of open relationship, and can manage it well in other ways, too, like being vigilant about safer sex with both of you. What do you think about all of those things?
Member # 44782
posted 06-25-2010 10:25 AM
Well i think right now i'm comfortable with a casual relationship. I don't think i could ever be in a monogamous relationship with him again because the trust would never fully be there and he's just not the type of person i could see myself with in any serious form ever again. But there are still feelings there for him, mainly sexual i guess. And because i do care for him and am comfortable with him, i find i want to be with him in that way. So i guess what i'm worried about is that if we *do* enter into a casual relationship, what if i start developing stronger feelings for him?
The girl he's currently seeing casually (it's all very new so far for them) would be comfortable at the moment with that. They've agreed they aren't exclusive yet. She enjoys stringing him along though, so i guess the biggest problem would be if my ex started developing stronger feelings for her. Because she's not the 'relationship' type in that she's quite free with her sexuality and doesn't enjoy commitment. She's also leaving to go overseas for a few months, at some point later this year, which will eventually pose a problem for them i'm sure. And in regards to him being honest with both of us, i really don't know. I know he'd definitely be honest in relation to safe sexual practice because we were both very vigilant about that when we were together. But what do you mean when you say honest in other ways? Do you mean about who else he could be seeing besides both of us? Or do you mean honest about his level of feelings?
Member # 3
posted 06-25-2010 11:20 AM
If you're asking me, I'd say being able to trust someone is important even in a casual relationship, particularly if it is open and they have more than one partner. Casual sex doesn't mean the outcomes are always casual, and in having sex with someone, we're all vulnerable in many ways, no matter what.
My personal sexual ethos is that even in casual scenarios, I do not choose to have sex with people I know I can't trust. Sometimes it's a question, where I don't know if I can or not yet, but I don't ever choose to be involved intimately in any way with people I know for a fact I can't trust. That's a matter of personal ethics and values, so yours may vary, but just to give you an example, those are mine. Even with what sounds like what he's told you about this other girl, if you don't trust him, can you be sure he's been honest? (Phrases like "stringing him along," for instance, sound very subjective to me. If she was really doing that, I'd wonder why he was involved with her, you know?) When I talk about honesty, I mean in any aspect, really. I may be stating the obvious, but often we'll still have sexual feelings for exes. Sometimes it'll be right for us to enact those, other times it won't. But just having those feelings doesn't mean we need to enact them or that it's right for us to, or is what we'll find to be best for us. It sounds to me like at the very least, you to need to talk more about this first. You can talk about trust and honesty, for instance, and you can also talk about what you both think it would be like if one or both of you developed strong feelings again. [ 06-25-2010, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 44782
posted 06-25-2010 10:14 PM
I agree with you on the trust issue, which will be something i have to think about and work out for myself.
Most of what i know about this girl is hearsay so i can't really make an accurate judgment call about her. I guess the stringing him along judgment came from the way she's been hot and cold with him over the years so he's never fully known if she likes him the way he likes her. But they must be at the same place at the moment at least for them to be casually seeing each other. I guess i just have to talk to him, see where he's at, and work out where we both stand in terms of honesty and feelings and then go from there. Thanks for your help
Member # 44782
posted 06-27-2010 01:55 AM
Ok i have updates.
We ended up having a long discussion about everything last night, and we're going ahead with a kind of relationship where we see each other in a sexual way but also a friend way, but we aren't committed to each other in that we aren't going to be exclusive. We both miss the emotional level that we have with each other that neither of us have felt with someone else yet. The situation with the other girl is that they hang out occasionally, which includes making out. But it never goes much beyond that because she doesn't want either of them to get too 'attached', as she isn't interested in a relationship at this point in her life. So i'm fine with him pursuing that casual kind of thing with her. So i really don't know how to define what we have yet. There is one thing that's made me feel strange though. We only discussed all this last night, and the way he's approaching us has already drastically changed. Like i was expecting more of a slow transition into the new relationship, but he's already using terms like "sexy" and "hot stuff" in texts to me today, and is being very flirty and is pushing to meet up tomorrow.
Member # 3
posted 06-27-2010 11:00 AM
So, it sounds to me like you need to tell him about your expectations per the pace of this, and then also voice what you'd like in terms of pacing. If that felt too quick for you, then you will need to let him know that.
Member # 44782
posted 07-01-2010 05:41 AM
Well we discussed the pace, and a whole lot of other stuff, so we're all well informed with our wants in that department.
But something else has come up that's now bothering me. If it's ok, i think i'll be using this thread to get me through the high's and low's of this new type of relationship. Anyway, what we discussed per seeing other people while we see each other was that it would all be very casual. But i'm getting the feeling that things with that other girl are getting serious/romantic feelings are involved instead of just casual feelings. She isn't allowing much physical stuff at all between them (which has been frustrating him) and wants to take things really slowly. Which to me sounds like she does want something more serious from him. She's allowed him to continue seeing other people in order to satisfy that part of him though. But all this has left me feeling pretty uneasy and confused about my own feelings. I was under the impression that the relationship we had with each other was not just physical, but romantic as well because he said he wasn't getting that emotional side from anyone else which is why he loved being with me. But i'm starting to feel more and more like i'm just there to satisfy his needs until this other girl can do so, and then i'll be tossed aside or something. He's off camping with friends for the next 4 days so i can't even discuss anything with him right now. So now i'm left feeling confused with no way of letting this confusion out except for here. So i guess i'd just like any advice on what i can do until we can talk about it? Or even how to bring it up without it sounding like i want a monogamous relationship with him. Because what i want is to be with him physically, romantically, as well as in a friend way. But i want to be able to casually hook up with others. But i'm *not* looking for anything romantic/emotional with someone else right now. So if he is looking for that, or is already having that with this other girl, then i don't think i can continue with this. I *don't* simply want to be a substitute for the sex he is not getting at the moment from this other girl.