T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33078
posted 05-29-2010 10:48 PM
I have a problem, title's non too helpful, but there's no short description. As a previous post mentioned, (Which I'll more or less repeat here), I got what felt like my first real, good friend. I have social problems, I do my best but it's terribly hard for me to make connections with people, more of to make connections with people that reciprocate. I've made some ok friends along the way, one that's stuck with me over a year, but I'm constantly paranoid about that. My problem is this: the person I made friends with, refereed to as Blue from now on, I made a real connection with. We both felt it- not the romantic type, although I did ask Blue if I would be, under different circumstances, a romantic interest (out of sheer scientific curiosity, nothing more)- and we became fast friends. We resonated. I messed it up. Horribly. I grew too dependent on Blue, Blue got fed up and stopped the friendship. Blue literally saved my life, and was the first "instant" friend I made. We were friends for 2-3 months, but they were easily the best months of my life. I fell into a depression, I got out of it with some acquaintances' help. So, I've, until now, avoided Blue, and out of sight, out of mind has worked. (Even though blue shows up about 3-4 times a week in mine) I talked with Blue, asked if we might be able to work things out about 4 months after we stopped being friends- alas, we can't try to. Blue was one of the first people I've met that flat out outsmarts me, and I felt pushed by being around Blue to the best of my abilities. Blue brought out the best in me I felt. Blue also has(ICD-10-F44.8), and I was fine and happy with this. This simply added to Blue (+ co) interesting-ness, and I was fascinated. Onto the issue: New housing assignments, and lo and behold, Blue's my neighbor. So far I've been keeping up with out of sight, out of mind, out of respect for Blue, who I know doesn't want to see me again. Blue's had it hard enough, and I still care so much for Blue, that I respect this. But I can't keep it up, and I avoid Blue as much as for myself as for Blue- Seeing Blue HURTS. I also can't get Blue out of my head anymore. I went to a counselor about this, the one at my University, and got told it was normal. I've had some mediocre friends before, even a relationship, and none of that hurt nearly as much, nor are nearly as painful as this is. As a counselor isn't helping too much (At the moment, I will persist), I was hoping the sound advice of scarleteen would help. Heck, simply telling it all helps. Problem two: Ever since meeting Blue, along with people online that I've become friends with, I've noticed that I'm only making connections with, and being interested in making friends with people far, far off the bell-curve. My online friends have had a whole list of problems, from abuse, multiple personalities, self-harm, etc. Thing is, we "connected" as much as I can, before I knew any of these things. I seem to make connections with, and only interested in making connections with, people that are completely "abnormal" (Lables and all, bad I know, but still trying to tell my problem the best I can). People that have mental issues, people that are depressed, suicidal, self-harm, PTSD, so on and so forth- I find these people fascinating, I like them and want to befriend them, I even loosely classify myself as one. I'm thinking of changing my major to become a counselor because of this. I don't know if it's good, bad, or what. I don't know who I can talk to about it. Thank you for any help you can give- See a counselor I know, I was wondering what advice you, as people, can give. Thank you. ~Selkie.
Member # 33078
posted 05-29-2010 10:50 PM
Oh, minor footnote, I'm trying to become less introverted, but I have no idea how to start. I have the ka-pauch to go out, I just don't know where to GO.
Member # 3
posted 05-30-2010 05:58 PM
Selkie, good to see you again.
I agree with what the counselor said to you. When we deeply connect with someone on a lot of levels, it is going to tend to hurt like hell if and when those relationships end. You express that you felt closer to this person than anyone, so it makes sense it hurts more than other losses when you didn't feel that strongly. By all means, it tends to hurt all the more when that person is around all of the time. While I do think it's important to respect the space someone asks for, when circumstance is such that there can't be that much space, I think it's totally okay to ask to talk with them and try and create some strategies to help with that, or to try and get some resolution. Of course, another thing to consider might be seeing about a housing assignment switch: is that an option? With the second issue, people we ant to counsel don't tend to be the best people to also try and be close friends with. For sure, we give our friends counsel when they need it, but that's a bit different than kind of seeing someone as interesting based solely or mostly on their problems, issues or disorders. Now, it may also be that you're just finding you connect better with this group of folks because you feel you have more in common with them, but I think it's probably wise to try and talk a bit about that and think a bit more about if you're drawn to them because you feel a mutual connection, the give-and-take is balanced, and because they're cool people, not people with fascinating issues. Know what I mean?
Member # 33078
posted 05-30-2010 11:20 PM
Aye- I think I mis-phrased a bit.
It's not that they have issues is what makes them attractive, I find that I'm attracted to people that, oh, by the way, have issues. (And an aside, I also find their issues intriguing. But it's them, as people, that I find interesting) Housing freeze going on, and I don't want to live my (college) life avoiding Blue. Thank you Heather! I hope all is well with you ^_^ Thank you Heather!
Member # 46362
posted 06-03-2010 12:36 PM
RE "I'm thinking of changing my major to become a counselor because of this. I don't know if it's good, bad, or what": it's ok that you like those people, I will just say a few things about the topic in general, because you are considering becoming a counsellor.
there is a whole mithology in our culture about the value of being unique, suffering, misunderstood and different (they are even making brands like "emily, the strange") - yes, people with problems ARE valuable, but this cliche can make the merits of well-adjusted people harder to see. More so, getting rid of the problems sometimes gets framed as "becoming boring" or "losing their personality" - sometimes the world seem to value more the uniqueness of the problem than the happiness of the person carrying it. This happened in my family: my brother wasn't a nerd like me, and he got treated by some of the relatives as the boring, conformist, stupid one... I think he's smart and happy, and maybe luckier than me. so if you think that your future clients would keep being super-attractive even after they left behind their problems (as far as it's possible for them), then you will make a good counselor. If you look at "normal" people as a boring, superficial crowd, then this could make hard to be a good one. an other point: if you have social problems, then maybe you're not very good in understanding social situations... and I imagine, that this skill would be quite necessary for being a counselor. Maybe you just don't have the intuition. but maybe you do have the skills, just couldn't use them yet in your own life, because some stuff was/is blocking them (I haven't read your other posts)... so maybe you CAN be a good counselor. You really should ask someone who IS one about how all this works. maybe your counsellor, especially since she knows you so well? ps: I hope I didn't sound insulting. I used to have a bias against "normal" people, so maybe I'm overcompensating.
Member # 33078
posted 06-03-2010 06:09 PM
Nope! Not at all, thank you ^_^
I don't look down on "normal" people at all- my current stock of friends are all very, very normal. And interesting. I don't think as a counseling job as one that "fixes" people, it seems to be more of a job that listens to people, and tries to help. I tend to get stupid with my own life, but looking at someone elses situation, I can usually see what's going on ^_^. (socially) Thank you Naplement! ^_^ ~Selkie