T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 44736
posted 12-18-2009 05:11 PM
I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship right now. It's not something either of us are happy about and if there is anything we could do about it, we would.
The longest I see is it, is a year and a half until I finish school that we'd have to do the long distance thing, with visits and such in between. We're both extremely determined to make it work. We skype almost every day, sometimes twice a day...morning and night...it's the easiest time of day for us seeing as he is in Malaysia and I in Boston. If we don't skype, we'll text or he'll call me just to hear my voice and talk to me briefly. I struggle with a bit of anxiety from time to time and it gets worse, I feel, with PMS. I usually can't really control my affectionate emotions during this time and it makes me think about the "What if's" in the relationship which frustrates me because as I am writing this and as I go over it in my head, I know it's the anxiety talking. For example, the mere thought of another guy comes into my head and my heart races because I'm scared that I'm not in love with my boyfriend when I know this not to be true. When we are together, it's so easy...it always has been...to be myself with him and to talk and share my fears. But it's hard when we're apart because I feel like being with him bolsters my own strength and seeing him so secure makes me feel more at ease...but I don't want to plague him with my ridiculous fears when we're apart because we only have a limited time to speak each day and I don't think it would be healthy to make it negative. Does any one have advice for helping to maintain my healthy relationship thus far and how to deal with my own anxieties and fears so that they won't in a way get in the way of the emotions I feel so strongly for my boyfriend? Thank you so much.
Member # 37835
posted 12-19-2009 10:44 PM
I know the difficulty of getting through an intercontinental relationship--I was half way around the world from my partner for about ten months last year. I know that one of the trickiest things is balancing a healthy amount of communication when you're dealing with ridiculous time differences. Talking twice a day is quite a bit--you may actually find that you worry less if you *don't* talk as much if you occupy your time with other things that you enjoy. I also know that skype fights are pretty bad. It's never fun to not be able to physically comfort a parter when they're upset. BUT that doesn't mean that you shouldn't discuss negative things at all. You should feel able to open up about something that is really making you worry or bothering you. Sharing every, possibly transient and unimportant worry likely isn't a good idea, but you should be able to share big ones. Now, all of that said, I think the most important thing to do in a long distance relationship is for both partners to be happy and independent on their own. You might find that really pursuing your interests--even if that means joining clubs that prevent you from talking to your boyfriend at certain times--can really help with all sorts of worrying. How long has this been a long distance relationship so far? Was it not long distance at first? Are there any particular things that make you feel either secure or insecure in the relationship?
Member # 44736
posted 12-21-2009 03:03 PM
It's been a long distance relationship for almost a month now. We met as I was on study abroad and lived at a residential college (like a dorm) in Australia, as he is a permanent student there and I tried to stay longer but financially, things didn't work out to allow that. I'm trying to save my money to go visit in May and he is doing the same to come for July. I have a year and half of school to finish. And then, I really want to move to Melbourne for a while. And it wouldn't be just because of him that I move. I have friends over there as well and it is a wonderful city and great culture. I love it there. It was the only place I really ever felt welcome and that I could be myself.
We were really good friends to begins with..we could be ourselves with each other, it was always so easy to talk to him, and we would stay up for hours just hanging out. At first, I didn't want to admit that I was having feelings for him because I never want to ruin what we have or lose him in my life. But it became really hard for bth of us to ignore the feeling we had and we started dating...and literally, he's helped show me the happiest time in my life thus far. I love him so much and it really does hurt not being able to be with him. There aren't any particular things that make me feel insecure. I am secure in that I trust him fully, he is very honest, and he is extremely supportive. He has always been there for me. Even when I had anxiety and caused myself a pregnancy scare...he was there. He understood. He even went to the store and got a test himself and was there when I took it. I can tell he cares for me and loves me and I know that he's committed as well and that gives me immense security. The insecurity comes from within myself. It's nothing he is doing it's just that I tend to overthink every situation and though I know I do this...I can make myself pretty worried, get that anxious feeling throughout my body, with my thoughts that are really unfounded. For example, if even the thought of another guy comes into my head, even unromantic...I just picture him in my head then I start to worry if I really love my boyfriend because I've thought about another guy. It's ridiculous. It gets worse when I PMS and I sort of lose my ability to express affectionate emotions...if I don't get that butterfly in my stomach feeling at the thought of him then I worry that I don't love him even though I know I do. My anxiety is completely rooted within myself and if I was with him right now it wouldn't be an issue because I don't feel anxiety nearly as much when we're together...without saying any thing I am put at ease by him. He silences any fears that I have. It's just that being so far away is really hard because I'm trying to learn to control my anxieties on my own and I'm not sure how to do it yet. I basically give myself hell for no reason. It's also hard because I'm having issues with not wanting to return to the school I am currently attending and feeling sort of trapped at home and in this place against my will. I wouldn't be surprised if I do have something like GAD, generalized anxiety disorder. People in my family do have it and certain events in my past have left me in a way more likely to experience it. Sorry for this extremely long rant. A lot of the time...it's easier for me to speak to people like this. On the talking twice a day thing...it's not going to last for much longer. We both need to start work and there will be school starting back up so I think we're both just trying to talk to each other as much as possible, trying to enjoy as much time as we can, before we know that our skype sessions, etc. will be really limited. Thank you so much for listening to this.
Member # 37835
posted 12-21-2009 08:05 PM
If you've got a family history of anxiety, you may want to seek out some counseling for it. You may find that there are some really good techniques for you to help cope, and a therapist can help you find them.
A month isn't that far into the long distance part of this relationship. For me, personally, the first six weeks or so were the worst. Every so often, there'd be a bad week, but it does come and go. So, you may really find that after another month or two, things are much easier to deal with.
Member # 44736
posted 12-21-2009 08:33 PM
yea, I hope so. I'll definitely look into counseling. Thank you for your help.
Member # 42892
posted 12-24-2009 02:45 PM
Hi, I'm going through a sort of similar experience right now, so I thought I'd share a little bit. It helps to hear from people going through the same thing, I feel.
I'm currently about 4 months into an LDR, and though my end is coming a bit sooner than yours (I'll be seeing him in May, and he'll be back here in June), it doesn't make it less difficult. He's in Germany, and I'm here in Massachusetts as well. The first month or so was definitely the most difficult, and I found that getting involved at college was the best thing for me. I also have a great deal of anxiety, and I know that it does run in my family. A few weeks ago, just before my winter break began, I began getting extremely anxious. I went to my therapist and told her how incredibly anxious I was about my relationship. I felt we were drifting, I felt all these things when really nothing had changed. We still talked, though not as much, but that was a GOOD thing. She helped me realize that my anxiety had nothing to do with my relationship, I was simply channeling it into that. And because my boyfriend isn't here to reassure me, it does get hard. We keep in touch through skype and the internet too, but we can't even call or text because we don't have international phone plans. You're lucky you have that. It'll be okay, it sounds like you're both supportive of each other, but I've found that seeing a therapist has helped me a lot. Anxiety is really hard, but she helped me with breathing techniques, and even suggestions for homeopathic treatments. My anxiety has subsided somewhat for now, but I know that there will be tough patches, but we can get through them. You can too. It'll be okay =)
Member # 44736
posted 12-30-2009 01:00 AM
Yea, I'm glad to hear that someone else feels the same as me.
Lterally, he has done not a single thing wrong and has been so supportive of me. My issues aren't with him...they're with myself and I get so emotional because my anxiety will channel into whatever I'm thinking about that moment which is him a lot. So basically...I end up constantly questioning myself and my ability to love and receive love because of my anxiety. But I know that I do love him and I know that when we are together it's wonderful and when we talk it's absolutely fine but I have these worries about myself.... When I'm with him, he silences any doubts and anxieties I have. I just have a hard time doing that for myself. ALso...I google wayyyy to much and probably cause myself more anxiety. >.< Good luck wth your relationship. I might be seeing him in may as well. I hope. I find it's good to set goals and plan stuff out because it cuts down on the feeling of "OMG when am I going to ever see him again." But we're both determined to make it work and try very hard and he knows I have anxieties and that I worry. It's the unknown I think that worries me and scares me into wanting to run away from it sometimes. But I won't ruin the best thing I've ever had because I'm scared of the future. I think I need to talk to someone as well. I don't think my mother understands when I explain it to her.