T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 22086
posted 10-15-2009 05:52 PM
Hey, I couldn't figure out where this should go, so feel free to move it if it's in the wrong section.
I was wondering whether anybody here's experienced having a crush on their teacher, and if/how they got over it? I'm a phd student, and I think I might have a crush on one of my lectures. It's very strange to me, because I don't really think he's physically attractive (v. old!), and I can't think what it is that's got my attention. It's confusing me quite a bit and has become rather distracting. Luckily he works in a different area to me so I've never had to meet with him personally, but he often walks into my office or our staff room and I immediately become nervous and watch him out of the corner of my eye. Just to clarify, I'm in no way suggesting I want to act on this (and he has no idea I exist atm!), but it seems worse than a schoolgirl crush because I'm not as fickle as I was when I was a child! I just want to know whether anyone's had any experience of this kind of thing - how did it work out? Advice, etc!
Member # 3
posted 10-15-2009 06:27 PM
You'd actually be hard-pressed to find people who have never, ever had a crush on a teacher than those who have. It's very, very common.
Like any crush, generally, it's just something that time takes care of. "Crushes" -- no matter who they are on -- tend to be more about one's idea or ideal of someone than on the actual person. They also are very one-sided. When our feelings aren't returned, or the reality of that person starts to become more known, it's usually pretty easy for crushes to just fizzle out without making an efforts at all. I think it's also helpful to recognize that a lot of the time, this stuff is actually more about hero-worship, or about more parental-feeling-projections than anything else. It can also just be about transitioning into being an adult where you're in a world stimulated by richer or more nuanced ideas than on appearances, AND having your ideas earnestly considered and recognized, you know? It may also be that you're moving into a different sexual space where your attractions are about things other than -- or not first about -- how someone looks. Of course, if you do want to make an effort to nip it in the bud, it might help to actually go ahead and have a real interaction with this person, to have a conversation, say hello, for them to know you exist, and for you to know that. Sometimes plain old reality can make a world of difference, and the anxiousness of trying to avoid that can heighten the feelings (it also leaves more room for fantasy).
Member # 38698
posted 10-15-2009 06:31 PM
Ohhh yes, lol, I have experienced this. I had a huge crush on one of my profs--like you said, I would never think of him as attractive, so it was one of these schoolgirl things for sure. I only got over it when it kind of burned itself out; I started obsessing over him so much that it got weird and it all went away in an instant.
I'm not sure exactly why you have these feelings for him, but I know for me it was because I was one of his better students and I felt like he really thought I was special; I think there was also some father-figure attraction there that my brain misfired as a crush. I would expect that most schoolgirl infatuations come from similar places. I honestly think it's harmless, and it will go away on its own. Just be careful not to act on it, haha. Good luck.
Member # 42270
posted 10-15-2009 10:05 PM
Kind of have a friend crush on my professor right now. He is just so interesting and passionate about his work and nice! You just want to get to know him!
Member # 22086
posted 10-16-2009 01:07 AM
Thanks guys! I suppose it could just be the way he lectures - I guess the academic equivalent of fancying some rock star you've seen on stage!
It just seemed strange to me, because I've not really spoken to him, and with him not being in my area of research, it's not exactly as though I'm going to idolise him or see him as a mentor. I'm hoping, like you say, that this'll just fizzle out then!
Member # 41657
posted 10-16-2009 04:26 PM
I've had crushes on teachers before, and I often have some feelings of attraction to those who have power over me that would make me not want to actually persue a relationship, like an age difference, and really there isn't any difference between this and fancying musicians and actors old enough to be your biological parent, I mean I've spent hours daydreaming about Jemaine Clement and Bret Mckenzie from Flight of the Conchords but if I met them in real life I'd be really aware of the age difference (and they're both married and I don't know either of them to be in an open relationship so it would be a no-go even if they were the same age as me or thereabouts), I guess when I was younger crushes on teachers would have been more about idolisation or parental figure projection, now it's a little more complicated than that since I'm 20 and not 14, I sometimes get crushes on teaching assistants, as they tend to be younger compared to teachers and there were some really awesome teaching assistants at the college I went to, I think it was still about admiring them though, I'd just be thinking "you're so nice and kind and understanding and it really would be quite nice if you were hugging me right now", so yeah I guess I was smitten by their brilliance, and that they are people I would want to date if I was their age, all this is making me remember when I had a huge crush on my English teacher in secondary school, they were a really good teacher who got me engaged with the topic and I probably did spend rather too much time staring longingly at them (I did work hard too though), I think I was starting to develop a bit of a crush on one of my science teachers when I left school, which was one of the first crushes I had on a woman, and I actually think that crushes on teachers and other older adults, so long as they don't take advantage of you, are harmless and even healthy, they're safe crushes that you don't feel obligated to do anything about and can just enjoy having, I think the idea that we can appreciate and even luxuriate in just how lovely people are without having to have it lead to a relationship or be an objectifying thing is a good one. Though bog it just feels plain awkward when I catch myself checking out 40 year old men occasionally, part of me just thinks whatever but part of me thinks "he could be your dad, he's twice your age what's wrong with you?" I think one thing that really pisses me off is that it sometimes seems to me like it's more accepted to make jokes or comments about how much adult men want to rape 13 year olds and how it's natural whereas if I ever mention to anyone that I have a crush on an older man they treat me like there's something wrong with me, I think my point is that it strikes me as odd that someone would even have to make this thread in the first place, because yes it's absolutely not unusual to have crushes on teachers, nor is it going to make them take advantage of you or make it your fault if they do, nor is it going to lead you to tempt them into breaking up with their partner if they have one, and it also isn't bound to make you miserable and lovesick. It's just a crush, enjoy it if you want to or just wait for it to fizzle out, I agree it's a good idea to try and talk to them just to inject some real interaction into your picture of them so it isn't all fantasy. Can I just ask, has anyone here heard the Rufus Wainwright song "The Art Teacher"?
There I was in uniform Looking at the art teacher I was just a girl then And never have I loved since then He was not that much older than I was He had taken our class to the Metropolitan Museum He asked us what our favorite work of art was But never could I tell him it was him Oh, I wish I could tell him Oh, I wish I could have told him I looked at the Reubens and Rembrandts I liked the John Singer Sargents He told me he liked Turner And never have I turned since then No, never have I turned to any other man All this having been said, I married an executive company head All this having been done, a Turner - I own one Here I am in this uniformish pantsuit sort of thing, Thinking of the art teacher I was just a girl then And never have I loved since then No, never have I loved any other man I love that song for it's complete over-the-top-ness, I always get sucked into the drama of it, but I'm quite sure schoolgirl crushes don't generally turn out like that. I didn't realise crushes had to be shallow, I have actually used the word crush to describe something that would probably be better described as deep feelings of love and affection (for someone who's got a partner... oh well, I'm sure they aren't the only person I'll ever feel that way about, and I like being single anyway). And that was my two thousand cents. rabiteen, but what if you fancy your music teacher?