T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 34046
posted 10-07-2009 02:02 AM
Sorry, I know this is a little long but any advice would be appreciated.
Ok, 2 years ago I told my best female friend that I had feelings for her. Long story short, things didn't work out. While at one point it looked like I may have ruined our friendship, in the long run it actually brought us closer together. She gained a huge level of trust in me. I'd convinced her and myself that I no longer had any desires for anything more and that I was content with what I had. She left for her first year of college and I went off to my second year but first in a new school. I spent the better part of the next 2 semesters drinking, smoking weed, and having one night stands. I would see her on school breaks like Christmas and such. During that time she met the love her life and that led to her first long term serious relationship. Here's where things get a little weird. You would think I'd be somewhat upset by this. I wasn't! I couldn't have been happier for her. Once I met the guy and he got my approval that is. I became the older brother she never had. Surprisingly, I liked it! I embraced it! I know that is something guys almost NEVER say but it's true. I enjoyed being her "go to" guy and as a result I had one of the best friends anyone could ever hope for. We even went as far as to joke about when she gets married I'll be the one taking the groom to the bachelor party but making sure he still gets up in time for the wedding the next day. Fast forward to around Christmas time last year. She's still in the heart of her relationship and at the same time I'm taking an interest in a mutual friend of ours. Things were going well (my friend was even helping me out a little) but then i screwed that all up with a drunk dial one night. Kept persuing that girl for 6 months, convinced that she was the one I absolutely wanted. Due to her self-esteem problems and the fact that i ruined any chance of her fully trusting me that didn't go down. If you want more details of that situation read my thread from a few months ago. 2 weeks ago, her boyfriend of 15 months broke up with her. Naturally, I offered my shoulder for her to cry on and my services should she need someone to beat the holy hell out of him. Fortunately she didn't. Upon consoling her for the past 2 weeks and getting together with her this weekend, I came to a scary realization. I'm not over her! I still like her! I can't lie to myself anymore. The problem is, i don't know what to do! I can't lose her friendship. She's no longer just my best female friend. She's the best friend I've got. We've become like family to each other. She made it clear 2 years ago that she does not see me in "that way" and we'd never be anything more than friends. Why was I so content when she was taken and now that she's single again I have these desires? It makes no sense! I was so content with the way things were. But now I'm so attracted to her and it's almost as bad as 2 years ago. What do I do? If 2 years, one of hardcore partying and one night stands, another guy in her life, my pursuit of another woman, and my initial content with being a brother to her aren't enough to get over her, what is? I mean, she's my best friend and right now I feel like I been lying to my best friend for over 2 years.
Member # 41699
posted 10-07-2009 04:24 PM
hey, HumanTeddyBear, by the sounds of it, you're an awesome and supportive friend
Keep up the good work! First off, I'd like to say that I don't think you should be thinking of this as "lying" to your best friend for over 2 years. Because you legitimately felt over her. It's not like you've been hiding these feelings all that time; you just have them again. And even if you DID have the feelings for those two years and didn't tell her, it's not lying to her -- it's just keeping your own secrets. People have 'em, even between friends. So don't be too hard on yourself I can tell that you really care about your friend, and that is a wonderful thing. I understand that you don't want to lose this friendship but at the same time hate to have these secret feelings. Whether to tell her or not is really up to you, as it's YOUR friendship. But this is what I would do if I were you; since she is in some pretty serious emotional turmoil right now from her break up, her needs should be put on the table first instead of your wants (whatever they may be). Because telling her your feelings has the possibility of upsetting her more, I think it's best to leave that for a while. Continue being the great friend you are, and support her as much as you can. After giving her some time to heal herself a bit (I'd say a few months or more), I'd probably tell her. But stressing that she is your best friend, and your friend first, that you don't want to lose her as your friend, and that you are not asking anything from her -- you are simply telling her to keep that honesty you have going between the two of you. Because, as you said, your friendship is so based on trust, and because it's hard to keep feelings completely secret like that (it also tends to make it harder to let go of them, if you try and quash them). Also, feelings like that don't generally tend to ruin really close relationships. It also leaves that possibility out there; two years was a long time ago -- she may end up developing feelings for you after all. However it's not a good idea to dwell on that, because it's just as likely not to happen, but it's always nice to leave that option available. So hey, why not, right? However, as I said, that's only what I would do in that situation; I'm not you, and I don't know your friend, so I can't accurately judge her reactions. This is totally up to you, and I understand the want to NOT tell her. Your relationship is very important to you, and you don't want to risk ruining it. Since you are the expert here -- the expert on your own wants and needs, your friendship, and your friend -- you will make the right decision for you. If you feel the risk of it ruining the friendship is too big, and that your friendship is more important to you than her knowing, and you choose not to tell her; if you feel it's the right decision for you, then that's the right decision. Simple as that Hope you're doing okay, and good luck with whatever decision you make
Member # 34046
posted 11-04-2009 01:47 PM
Well, it's a month later and things have gotten worse. A couple weeks ago she decided to get back with her boyfriend. At first I was thrilled. I thought things would get back to normal and I would finally see her happy again. However, my worst fear has been realized. I thought I'd just go back to being a brotherly figure and those feelings would once again disappear (at least until her next break-up). But now she is in a relationship and I STILL feel for her. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. The only thing possible is to leave her completely. But I CAN'T do that under any circumstances. Sure, I may get over her but at what cost? I'd lose my best friend and possibly other friends who would hate me for it. Hell, my own family would resent me a little. They love having her around. My mom is still under the false impression that we'll be together someday.
Plus, i would seriously hurt her if I left and that's something I simply cannot live with. On top of it all, I'm not even 100% leaving would work at this point. It's just not good. She and her boyfriend still have troubles all the time and I find myself saying stupid things to myself like "This wouldn't happen if she was with me." Those are dangerous thoughts. With her boyfriend back in the picture, telling her about any of this is definitely out of the question. I fear she may figure it out eventually though. We've been talking a lot more lately. I love her. I want to be as close to her as humanly possible. But I DON'T want these desires that just never seem to leave. i don't want to feel this way. I just want to love her and be the best friend that I could possibly be to her. At this point I'm convinced I could meet someone else, have a relationship with that person, propose, and then realize on my wedding night that I still desire this girl!
Member # 17839
posted 12-01-2009 05:14 AM
I don't usually post on other people's posts because I feel there isn't anything I could say that can't be better explained by most of you out there but I just read this post and struck me as the weirdest thing, because I've been pretty much in this exact situation for the longest time - except I'm the "female best friend". Hey there HumanTeddyBear, I saw you were posting in a different thread but I thought it'd be better to ask you here - hope you don't minding bringing this one up again. quote: Plus, i would seriously hurt her if I left and that's something I simply cannot live with. On top of it all, I'm not even 100% leaving would work at this point. How are things going with this girl if I may ask? Are you still thinking about leaving her? Because this is exactly what happened to me, and so far (I'm talking pretty much one year now) it hasn't worked at all, just made both of us miserable
I'm not trying to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but you remind me so so much of the situation with my (now sadly ex)best friend, and I just wanted to make sure you don't hurt both her and yourself by leaving if you aren't really, really really sure about it. Strong transoceanic hugs for you - take care.
Member # 34046
posted 12-01-2009 06:37 PM
No Kotori. I'm no longer considering leaving her. I'm trying to find out if this issue is worth going to a therapist or not. I really think it is but then again a therapist takes time and money and this is really the only issue in my life right now. I mean I'm not dealing with depressions, anxiety, abuse or anything like that. But this is seriously bothering me and starting to affect my daily life. Read my most recent thread if you want to know more on that topic.
As far as how things are going, she has no clue as to what I'm going through right now and while I don't like the idea of hiding things from her I think it's best I don't tell her based on our past. Our friendship is fine though. We see each other as often as possible. We only go to school an hour apart. She came to see one of my plays a couple weeks ago. I met her for lunch on the day after Thanksgiving. We talked about Christmas and such. It's all pretty much what you'd expect from friends hanging out. It's just that when we're apart I find myself wishing I could be in a relationship with her. I want more, but I know that I shouldn't. Anyway, fittingly enough she'll actually be in Spain from January-May to study abroad for a semester and while I'll miss her terribly I think that may help tis situation a little. Thanks for the hug!
Member # 34046
posted 12-02-2009 03:30 PM
Also, Kotori would you mind telling me a little more about your situation with your best friend? It's ok if you don't want to but I would like to know how similar it is to mine and if it is similar I may ask you some questions just to get some more from the female side of this.
Member # 17839
posted 12-02-2009 07:18 PM
No problem, though my story is complicated and really long, and the beginning isn't that similar to yours. Hope I don't bore you to death with my ramblings
In "short", my friend and I met in high school when we were both 16, we became best friends after a while, and I liked him but didn't say anything. Turns out he liked me as well and told me, so after a long time of hanging out as just friends we started going out. He was my first long-term partner and I was his, and we were very much in love. That lasted less than two years tough - he left to start uni sth like 600 km away from where we both lived, we worked it out long-distance during that year, but when he came back he had "changed" so to speak and decided he'd rather be single so as to be able to have sex with as many girls as he wanted. So, he left me, I was devastated, pined after him for months, then more or less got over him - as in "stopped having those feelings towards him anymore" because I realized just how much this person wasn't like the one I had fallen in love with. Then, as soon as I was over him, he was oh so very sorry and asking me for another chance - but I didn't want to have that kind of relationship with him anymore, so I said no, and we decided to remain "friends" (far-fetched I know, but we were, still are, kind of naive). Anyways, after the "shock" of me being over him I guess, he became once more the guy I had became friends with in the first place. We remained friends, we had an immense amount of trust in each other - side effect of the relationship or not, I don't know, since we already had that kind of bond before going out -, and after a couple of weeks of "space" we were pretty much inseparable. He wasn't "my ex", he was my best friend, my go-to guy, my own teddy bear so as to say. We would joke about girls and guys, try to hook the other one up with different people and just be awesome together. We used to laugh at how our friendship was the best thing ever to happen in the world and how people just didn't get it because they had never had something like that. During this time I was not afraid of him being still into me because he would even insist on me meeting guys just to see if I ever "clicked" with someone, just because he wanted me to be happy. This kind of relationship, which I (and I assumed he as well) loved went on for two or three years, during which I spent half a year living on the other side of the world (go NZ!). During this whole time we both remained single, but I didn't think anything of it - I'm really really choosy when it comes down to guys and the same goes for him and girls -. At some point he did make it clear, even if in a subtle way, that he'd like to give us another chance to work as a couple, and we hooked up for a really short time, but things didn't feel the same, we both realized, so I told him I didn't want to have that kind of relationship with him. He accepted my decision and his confession just sort of "stayed there" - I was aware that he might still like me, but I had made my point clear, we had talked about it calmly, and if he was OK with us remaining friends, things wouldn't change between us. So after all that time he became close friends with a new guy and thought the three of us would have great fun together. He introduced him to me, and indeed the three of us were,as he'd foreseen, very alike; we did lots of stuff and quickly became really close. The amount of "only us two" time was reduced then, but I was OK with that, I loved both him and our "new" friend, who I quickly felt like I had known since forever. After some time I learnt - again he told me - that he was not OK with that "only us two" time being reduced, even if he wasn't that specific about the reasons, but it wasn't hard to guess why. I asked him if he still wanted to have a relationship with me and he said yes, but I once again told him I didn't see him "that way". Again, he seemed to accept it. The thing is, this new friend of ours fell for me, and after some time of knowing this I really wanted to pursue a relationship with him. We both spoke about this with my friend beforehand. At first he didn't take it well, but after a couple of days he came to us and told us he really wanted me to be happy and that this guy was one I should take good care of, then gave us his "blessing". And for some months things were apparently OK, and he seemed to be supportive of us. The three of us still hung out together (me and my new boyfriend would never behave in a couple-y way in front of him, not even slightly), I still hung out with my friend and they both hung out together without me as well. He seemed to be OK with it for the longest time, and I was happy that he seemed to be getting over me. However after some months my friend started behaving in a weird way. He would avoid us, and when asked about it he wouldn't tell us what the matter was. After a couple of months of him behaving weirldy he decided to just ignore us altogether. He stopped calling and erased both of us from his msn. He asked us not to contact him in any way. This wasn't a discussed thing, this was something that happened overnight. Again I felt devastated, and betrayed, and angry, and during the first months I just wanted to go up to him and slap him really hard for disappearing from my life like that - we had this great friendship going on, we had agreed that it was OK if I didn't want to go out with him, and after that that it was OK if I wanted to go out with this mutual friend, but then it had all turned out to be him lying to both us and himself. At other times I understood that maybe I hadn't been able to grasp exactly *how much* he still wanted to be with me, and that if that were true he would have been struggling with it for years while I giggled by his side unaware of it. I realized I might have been blinded by the frienship we shared, and so failed to realize exactly how much he had been/was suffering; also that perhaps he hadn't been lying deliberately, just hadn't known what to do, and thus he had just stayed by my/our side. And that if all that were true, it wasn't hard to understand that one day he had just cracked. When thinking about it from that point of view, it made sense that he had left me like that, and I even had to wonder how he had been able to stay by my side for so long. After months of no contact and many sleepless nights I mustered the courage to go to him and hoped he didn't close his door in my face, which gratefully he didn't. He seemed distraught and unhappy. When I asked him to honestly tell me what was happening, he confirmed what I had feared - that he had been wishing we could be together ever since we broke up, something like 5 years before. That he had tried to accept my desire not to, but he had been unable to. That he had wished he could find a way to stop feeling like that so that he could be my friend and nothing more, because our friendship was such a central thing to both of our lives, he couldn't bear to think of leaving me. That he had tried really hard to accept me going out with this other guy but had failed. That he had tried to keep his mind off me with other girls but when thinking about it for real, all of them had seemed dull and completely uninteresting when comparing them to me. The day he told me all this, we cried a lot, I told him I understood and wished him luck. We parted on "good terms", but it's been almost a whole year since then and we haven't heard from each other ever since. I know, though, because of some mutual friends, that he has been lonely and sad and tremendously unhappy during this time. I really hope this doesn't sound like I'm trying to "flatter" himself, because I swear it isn't. t's been painful to write this down as some things happened many years ago and I have avoided thinking about them too hard, and also because not a day goes by that I don't miss my friend - it's a white searing pain deep inside me that makes me cry and wail like a two year old. Sorry for the long rant, and I'd like to ask, if possible, that no one that reads this judges me harshly, because even if I never meant for my best friend to get hurt, and not even once I thought we could end up like this, I have already realized that my behaviour wasn't always the best and some things I regret deeply. I'm currently trying to leave him be just like he asked me to, and I can only hope we one day talk to each other as friends and laugh together about random stuff once more. Anyways, HumanTeddyBear, I'm not sure anymore if my story is that similar to yours. Maybe it isn't, once I've written it down and re-read it, but some points in what you said really struck a nerve, and the way you explained yourself really reminded me of my ex-friend's character. Sorry for "taking over your thread" with my ridiculously long post, and I hope you can find something useful amongst my ramblings. And if there's anything you'd like to know about "the female side" of this maybe-not-so-similar situation, just ask me. [ 12-02-2009, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Kotori ]
Member # 34046
posted 12-04-2009 06:52 PM
Hey thanks for sharing your story. Yea, it's not exactly like my situation but close enough. You've helped me more than you may realize. I know now that I can NOT leave her under any circumstances. I do not want her to ever go through what you're going through right now. I'm gonna find another way. This is my problem not hers and there's no reason MY problem should negatively affect OUR friendship.
Member # 34046
posted 12-15-2009 10:59 PM
Ok, so my friend and i haven't talked for a couple weeks and I'm really not sure why. I'll worry about that later. In good news, I've met someone! We hit it off at a party the other night. We aren't together yet but I'm working on it. Does this mean I'm over this whole situation? Hardly. As you may recall I've had several hook-ups and even pursued another woman in the past 2 years and that didn't work. However, I've got great chemistry with this girl I've just met and at this point I think it's much healthier for me to take an interest someone else and explore that option than to sit up late night posting on sites like these while I compare and contrast the facebook pics of me and her together vs. the ones of her and her b/f together and wish out loud that she'd see me as she sees him. BUt yea I feel another woman in my life right now is a good choice and a step in the right direction! :-)