T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 43709
posted 08-30-2009 10:08 AM
To give some background, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. We were each each other's first for almost everything sexual and non-sexual. I love him deeply and he loves me too.
Just a couple days ago I moved to Tennessee from Louisiana, for college, and he (at least for now) stayed there, so that in itself could be a little tense. Anyway, last night I went out with some people I met, one being my roommate (who I don't know really well but have a big inclination to trust--we instantly got along really well) and we went to one of their houses. I had a beer, which isn't new, but I've never had enough to be drunk before, mostly because my boyfriend is usually with me and encourages me not to drink too much. Anyway, I was coaxed into a game of beer pong. I could have said no, but I didn't want to be a big downer, and I wanted to have fun and play, so I did. Needless to say we lost, and I got rather drunk (dizzy, but not seeing two or anything like that). Before I left home, I asked my boyfriend IF, if I did something I knew he wouldn't like, should I be honest with him? And he said definitely yes, he would want to know. So, he asked me if there was drinking, and I said, only a little. He got super angry and we talking for a while later on, and I told him everything and he was really mad. He even said he was doubting in his love for me. Later he took that back, but that was how far it went. The thing is, I didn't even get super drunk or drink or do anything besides Light Beer. In the end I probably had about 5 or 6. There was other stuff there--rum and cigarettes, etc.--and I said no. After the beer pong everyone else went to a DJ party, but I asked to be brought back to campus. They were really cool about that. It was late, I had never been drunk before, and I had obligations for the next day, so that was my choice. I expected my boyfriend to be a little annoyed but proud of me for handling myself in a conservative way. He knows, and I've explained to him, that I'm a curious and adventurous girl, and I want to try things. He says he understands, and wants me to try things with him there so he can look after me. He feels a little bit like a parent sometimes. He needs to trust me to do things on my own and understand that I take risks sometimes. However, I also see where he's coming from, because he cares about me and I'm too far away for him to do anything if something bad happened. I want this relationship to work. What should I do?
Member # 43159
posted 08-30-2009 11:40 PM
Hello there HeyLife, quote: He feels a little bit like a parent sometimes. He needs to trust me to do things on my own and understand that I take risks sometimes. I think you are absolutely right-on here. I don't doubt that your boyfriend cares about you, but he needs to respect the decisions you make and trust that you know what's best for your own body. Why is your boyfriend so concerned about your behaviour? Do you subject him to the same amount of scrutiny?
Member # 43195
posted 08-31-2009 04:02 PM
I agree with vshanti. It sounds like your boyfriend's behavior is kind of controlling. The fact that you were unsure whether or not to be honest with him is kind of a sign -- that you had to worry whether or not to tell him that you did something that has no real affect on him isn't really a good thing! Getting drunk to the point of being dizzy isn't the healthiest thing to do, even if most of us will do it at some point, though it is good that you knew when to stop. And if you're under the legal drinking age, too, your boyfriend might have reason for genuine concern. But it doesn't sound like he's going about expressing it in the right way -- and based on what he said about wanting you to try new things, but only when he's there, I think that it might have something to do with him being insecure about you having fun without him. I think you should sit down when you're both calm and try to have a discussion about this, telling him as best you can how it makes you feel when he responds like this, without making too many accusations. Based on how he responds to that will probably tell you whether the relationship is going to work or not.
Member # 43709
posted 08-31-2009 10:52 PM
We did have a talk about it, and he's still sort of overbearing, but in a joking-ish way, like he understands I'm a person or whatever. We communicated how we felt (he said he will be angry with me if I do it again, but he does understand why I did and wants me to tell him). I think part of it is that he's feeling neglected, since I'm busy and so far away also. Last night we talked for an hour and today he was much happier.
Member # 43195
posted 09-01-2009 03:30 PM
I'm glad that the two of you talked, and I understand that he might be feeling neglected or lonely -- as I know from experience, long distance relationships carry their own sets of challenges, and being apart can also bring out feelings of jealousy.
How do you feel about him saying that he would be angry with you if you did it again? To me, that indicates that he isn't really sorry for his previous reaction (since he said he wouldn't do it all that differently in the future, right?), and that his overbearing behavior right not really be all that "joking," or that the previous behavior has a risk of popping back up again. Insecurity can be a huge reason behind controlling behavior, so it's really important that he be willing to work on his feelings about the two of you being so far apart.