T O P I C R E V I E W
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-16-2009 11:22 PM
My boyfriend and I have been arguing more and more lately. We always manage to end it on good terms, and in a good way -- we explain to each other how we feel, and put ourselves in the other's shoes, and understand. There are just so many things we disagree on, and we're both very stubborn and opinionated, almost like we can't resist pointing out when someone is wrong in our opinion. And this has lead to a great many of our little arguments. But as I said, recently it's more and more. And my boyfriend says we need to work on it together and just learn to not ask questions/say things that we know will lead to an argument. I feel like we just need a break from each other. We've seen each other every day except on weekends, when we IM to each other for hours at a time -- since the beginning of the school year. That's a lot of seeing each other, a lot of talking and hanging out. And I think we just need sort of a breath of fresh air. My boyfriend says he wouldn't be able to handle that and he says it's either no break or we break up permanently because he would be too hurt, and wouldn't be sure enough of my commitment. See, he says that because I want this little break, I'm not committed enough to him -- that I can't just take a break whenever I feel the need to breathe. But if I don't take this break, I fear that it might just cause resentment, or lead me to be even more unhappy. Like I need this break to really appreciate what we have and come back willing, to go "boy I'm glad to have him in my life, and I'd do anything and work my hardest to keep us going". But the fact that he's not even giving me the option just makes me feel like that's more of a certain way to make us fall apart than to let me take a break for a bit. The thing is, I understand why he doesn't want me to take a break; he says how can he or I be sure I wouldn't take any others, and he couldn't stand just waiting for me to come back every time I need some fresh air. And I told him he's unreasonable in only giving me those extreme options, and he says he just can't help feeling that way. I don't want to have to choose between no break and no him. I dunno what to do =(
September
Member # 25425
posted 06-17-2009 06:09 AM
Have you two talked specifically about what you and he mean by 'taking a break'? Because it sounds to me like, for him, taking a break would be synonymous with opening up your relatonship. But if you two have a monogamous relationship, then a break can absolutely take place within that monogamy-agreement. After all, taking a break is about having time to focus on YOURSELF and what you want. Using that time to pursue others would be counter-productive. The way I see it, a break can be part of a relationship, rather than being outside of it. Meaning, you can be in a relationship and be committed to each other and trust each other, and yet decide on a period of time during which you will not see each other. You can tailor these terms to your needs: no contact at all for x number of weeks, or phone contact only, or whatever works for you and your partner. And really, in any sort of a long-term relationship, it's going to be a given that we'll change, or that our wants and needs will change, and that we'll need to take some time to re-asses how we feel about the relationship we're in. This isn't something that automatically signals the demise of a relationship. Quite the opposite, in fact: by acknowledging our feelings, rather than suppressing them, and by being honest with ourselves and our partners, we can make sure that the relationship changes as we do and thus is tailored to our needs.
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 12:35 PM
I explained to him that this would be a break simply for myself, and not at all to open up the relationship. I said I feel like taking some time off to really get a bit of a breather and prepare for the hard work we're going to be doing on fixing this. I explained that lately I've cried almost every night -- not that surprising, it's easy to make me cry, and he knows this, it's not a guilt trip -- because every time we fight I'm so scared it's going to be the one to ruin us. And that I want to take a break because it's just getting a little too overwhelming, all the angst and trouble we're going through. So he knows it's not about seeing other people. He says that if I take this break it's like I don't want to work on the problems -- which is completely untrue -- and mainly there just wouldn't be any point to it. He said well if we'd be working on the problems after the break, it'd be like this: no crying during the break, and then just right back to crying as we try and fix things. But I just feel like I need a bit of a reminder as to why I'm fighting for this. To remind me that I really really do want him around, and even though we fight real bad sometimes, it's worth the work to get through it. And he seems to think that I can't feel that way without it meaning that I love him less than I used to. And he says that if he makes me unhappy enough to make me need a break, then maybe we're not right for each other. And I said that's completely untrue, just sometimes you need a break to really focus things. He mainly just thinks there wouldn't be any point -- that taking a break wouldn't change anything-- and that the reasons I've given him don't make it seem to him like we're in real need of a break because we can work the problems out together. He doesn't understand that maybe I just want this for ME, and I TOLD him I want this for ME, for maybe a little bit more alone time, and he said that would mean I'm not fully committed. Which is BS. He says that neither of us can know that I wouldn't want to take a break later in life -- which of course we can't, but why does that matter? -- and I can't just continue to take breaks every time there's a problem in our relationship. But not every problem will be because we need to take a step back for a moment, which is the whole reason I think we're fighting so much right now. And why is he so set in thinking that taking a break means not total commitment?
Heather
Member # 3
posted 06-17-2009 12:53 PM
It sounds to me like you may just need to draw a line here. I'd suggest saying that while you hear that he does not understand why you feel that a) you need a break and b) you taking a break IS one way you see of working on the relationship, that he needs to just accept this is something you need and want and have faith in your judgment around this. Sometimes, in relationships, this is something we just need to do: to trust our partners in knowing what they need and what is best for them, and in making a call around what they also feel is healthiest for a relationship. I'd not get engaged in any more arguments around you taking a break or not: ultimately, you don't have to negotiate for your own time, you know? If you need a break and want to take one, that realy is your call, even though ideally, one'd hope a partner could be supportive. And yes: in a long-term relationship, partners WILL sometimes want to take little breaks now and then, and I disagree with him that you "can't take breaks" when you have problems. People DO do that sometimes, and that is one healthy way of dealing with an issue, so long as a partner isn't just vanishing without warning. Now, maybe it IS so that you are not right for each other, and that may BE something you come to consider on your break (and from the sounds of your dynamics, I do think that is worth seriously considering). But that's okay: you or he get to consider that. however, I think framing your want for a break that way on his part seems manipulative. Point is, he may not see a point to a break but YOU do, and he doesn't have to see the point for you to do what you need for yourself.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 06-17-2009 12:58 PM
Oh, additionally? I think one way to answer your AND his questions about what constitutes being committed to the relationship may be to tell him that that is perhaps one of the things you two can think about independently during the break, then discuss together when the break is done. Because, by all means, any two people making a commitment should know and be in agreement on what that entails.
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 02:06 PM
I'm just worried that if he's so opposed to it and I do decide to take a break regardless, he'll be too hurt to take me back. And ultimately, being with him is more important to me than taking a break -- I do love him dearly, and I want to see if we can make this work. I just wish he'd give me the chance to give it a TRY, who knows, maybe I'd realise it's a mistake and come back to him sooner than was planned? And even if I didn't why does it matter -- he should know that I'm totally committed and in love with him and taking a break wouldn't make that commitment waver at all. I don't know if it was him being manipulative, I have been in a relationship with someone emotionally manipulative before and I don't know, it felt different from this. But of course everyone who manipulates has their own unique style so it's not likely to feel the same. But I think it's more that he's so conservative and close-minded about some things; he has one idea of how things are and that's that. This is one of those things. And that unwillingness to compromise (weirdly only for some things, for other things he's totally willing to compromise. Even other relationship things, so it's not that he's trying to be controlling in terms of our relationship) is what worries me -- because what if I really REALLY do feel the need for a little break later in life with him? If he's never willing to let me go and take those breaks, it's like he's not letting me take a step back to realise how much I love him -- or like that saying "If you love someone let them go, if they return they're truly yours, if they don't they never were." So if I were to never come back that would be for the better because it'd mean he could move on and find someone who DOES want to be with him, but in the more likely case, I'd come back even more certain than before. But the fact that he's not even willing to take that chance? Makes me worry about our future together. And I don't think that breaking up is really something to consider right now -- some of our dynamics are really bad. However we're both willing to really buckle down and work on that, which I want to give a chance; if we work on it and still find that we have too many problems, then yes. But we need to give it a shot first. And right now the good does outweigh the bad; together we are happy a lot of the time (actually, we mainly argue serious arguments over msn, which maybe he would consider cutting down on as an alternative) and our communication is still strong -- we still feel like we can express ourselves and be heard. And we do still love each other and affect each other in a good way. Or at the very least, he does still affect me in a good way; I appreciate the world and people in general more. I express my love for even just acquaintances like I wouldn't usually (I act fairly antisocial and cynical, but truth is, some of the individuals I know are the most amazing and lovely people ever, and I didn't usually express that very much before, but now I really do). So I think for now we're good, though it's possible that the fact that we may not be good for each other would be something to seriously consider sometime in the future. and expanding on the msn idea -- I think maybe it has to do with our means of communication. When we're together, in real life with each other, we have few serious fights (we play argue, which may not be the best dynamic considering now the problems we're having with real arguments. But neither of us take them seriously and we both have fun messing around, so I don't know if it's that harmful), whereas probably almost 80-90% of our serious arguments take place over msn. And every time we're together in the flesh, it doesn't really matter so much that we argue -- even when we're unhappy with each other IRL, I still don't feel like it's as big a deal as I do when I walk away. I'm not saying I think my feelings I have when I'm not around him aren't legitimate -- there's obviously something to them if I keep feeling the need for a break. I just think that maybe this has to do with how/what we're using to communicate.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 06-17-2009 02:10 PM
I'd frame it like this: if someone is never willing to give a partner time away, they're not respecting people's need for space and privacy, ultimately. And in healthy relationships, that really is very important, especially the longer a relationship goes on for. If people aren't allowed some space in that regard, that's actually a really easy way to tank a relationship. Perhaps taking about it in that vein might get you a little further? And it sounds like, at the very least, it might be best for you two to agree not to message anymore, or when you do, to keep it very short and not to discuss anything serious.
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 02:47 PM
Okay, good idea, I will try it. Thank you for all your help! <3
Heather
Member # 3
posted 06-17-2009 03:01 PM
Happy to be of help.
atonement9
Member # 42492
posted 06-17-2009 07:59 PM
Maybe it would help if you didn't call it a break. what if you went to go see a cousin, aunt, a long distance friend (or, if you're old enough, by yourself) for a week. Going on a vacation doesn't sound nearly as intimidating as taking a break from your relationship, but it's essentially the same thing.
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 09:33 PM
well, I can't go see any relatives, as they all live across the pond, and I have no long distance friends -- also (I feel) I'm not old enough (or maybe just not experienced enough?) to travel alone. However, I am going to Montreal with my best friend for 4 days this week, so that'll be a good opportunity to take a little breather
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 06-17-2009 10:07 PM
Hey Onionpie, Your trip to Montreal with a friend sounds great! I hope you have a good time. Since you mention feeling you're not old or experienced enough to travel alone, I'd recommend looking into that -- or other ways -- to gain more life experiences, be it traveling to see your long-distance relatives alone one day or doing something closer to home like getting a part time job, learning how to balance a checkbook or cook a meal on your own. Because even in the best relationships, we also need those separate growing experiences to discover who we are and explore our interests. In fact, feeling good about our abilities and options outside a relationship can really strengthen it! Here's an article you might be interested in checking out: To Be... AWESOME or Just Be –– Tips on Making the Most of Your Life Right Now!
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 11:00 PM
Well so I've tried discussing this with him, putting it all the ways you mentioned of putting it -- I thought he might respond to that. He just flat out disagreed. The stubborn mule I've always known, he's just like me. I tried to explain to him exactly how NOT letting me go will badly affect our relationship. And he says that letting me go would do more harm than good, because HE would be getting worse (deteriorating, in his own words), thus badly affecting our relationship. I told him that all our fighting is starting to overwhelm me, and I need time alone to deal with that so I can then focus properly on the big problem at hand -- our fighting. And he kept saying over and over, to everything I said, that "it'll be exactly the same when you get back". And I'd tell him that I wouldn't be exactly the same, I would be more prepared to work on our problems, if I've got mine out of the way. And he keeps saying that if I need a break this early on then our relationship must be doomed because that shows that it's so unstable already. I told him relationships usually start out unsteady as people work out their problems. And he said I'd just keep needing breaks, every time I got overwhelmed -- I said if we worked out this problem, I would be less likely to get overwhelmed, now, would I? And he said oh but this isn't going to be the only problem! And I said but not every problem is going to be like this -- not every problem will make me feel the need to work on MYSELF. And, hopefully, our problems will lessen as time wears on -- well if not, then I certainly wouldn't continue with the relationship. If we just keep having a shitload problems and they never get fewer or further between, even with years? That'd be kind of a sure sign that we're just not right, am I right? And so on and so forth. What he says right now is the reason I need to take a break is because I'm feeling overwhelmed by all this fighting -- by him making me cry so much. And since when I get back he'll be there, nothing will have changed -- maybe I'll be fine for a bit but he'll just be back to making me cry. And he wants to deal with and fix that NOW. I would say that well hopefully we WON'T continue to argue every night (and thus stop me from crying every night [it's not HIS fault it's OURS]) so I WOULD be fine, but I think for now I'm okay with that. However, this might not -- probably won't be -- the case in months or years to come and I want to deal with shit myself. Which we can deal with then. I just don't like to see the end of a relationship coming. Kind of like seeing how you die. I don't mean that in a melodramatic way, sorry =P
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 11:17 PM
well he said that if another problem arises and I feel like taking a break in the future, he may agree with my reason why and be okay with me taking a break. But I just don't like that he needs to agree with it, and needs to LET me. Because if he doesn't, and I really feel the need for a break, I'm still going to take one. But as I said, we'll cross that bridge if or when we get there.
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 11:36 PM
hey, thanks, ecofem! I've read that article -- love it! I try and take its advice even just a little bit every day. It's in my bookmark tab And I have in fact, had a part-time job and can cook several kinds of meals on my own. Hehe, but I do know what you're getting at and that's a great idea. Being able to travel places alone would be great, I'd love that. I have gone to France without my parents -- but that was with a small school tour, a supervising teacher I knew really well and my two best friends to boot! So I don't feel like that's given me real experience travelling alone, since all the complicated stuff was looked after for me. I know I can take care of myself, as I have proven this several times. However, I just don't feel comfortable travelling alone right now. I think maybe if I experience it a bit at a time that will get me comfortable with it? Like say, just taking a small trip for a day or two -- maybe even with a friend the first time, just the two of us. And then the next time alone. And then the next trip could be further and for a longer period of time. Hmm... where to go? Brainstorming time!
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-17-2009 11:43 PM
Oh, another thought. All the stuff that's happening this summer might just give me the break I was looking for, just not 'officially'! Next month starts this awesome saxophone camp I'm taking part in for several weeks -- and several days a week -- I'm going to visit a friend at their cottage for a day or two, my aunt and cousin are likely coming over next month as well, and we'll likely go to our cottage or just on a little trip (maybe to toronto or montreal) with them -- then I'm doing summer orientation and frosh week at the university I'm going to go to, at the end of august! plus lots more I'm sure I've forgotten right now
Heather
Member # 3
posted 06-18-2009 08:26 AM
Personally? I'm going to go back to what I first suggested and just suggest drawing a line and not negotiating (or trying to) this anymore. You need some time to yourself, you'd love his support, but even if you don't have it, you need to take that time and space and are going to. Period. I'm really uncomfortable, personally, with some of the things he is saying about this and some of the ways he doesn't seem to be leaving any room for your needs, and is making this all about his. Additionally, you're not his caretaker, so the bit about his "getting worse" if you take some breathing room seems manipulative. It suggests that in order for YOU to keep him okay, you need to do what he wants: if you do what you need, he somehow can't take care of himself or carry his own, you know? Not cool in my book.
Onionpie
Member # 41699
posted 06-18-2009 05:15 PM
Yeah, I agree Heather -- he shouldn't be telling me he will "deteriorate" or whatever if I were to leave, and I did find that rather manipulative. He should be able to look after himself without me, it's not my responsibility to keep him alive and well. And I told him that this is about what <i>I</i> need, but he said that the problem is "about us" so WE should deal with it TOGETHER. But he was making it out to be a lot about what he needs -- though I suppose I was making it out to be all about what I need... but that's 'cause it IS =P And although I'm not taking an official break right at this very moment (summer holidays will give me a big enough break anyway, is why), I told him that if later on in life I really do feel the need for a break, in the end it won't matter what he wants. Because even if it means splitting up, then okay that's something that has to happen because I will NEED my space no matter what.
Ecofem
Member # 13388
posted 06-22-2009 12:11 AM
Hey Onionpie, I just wanted to say thank you for replying to my questions and that your travel plans sound awesome! It sounds like you have a *lot* of great stuff to look forward to this summer, near and far, and I want to wish you the best with all of it! As for suggestions for taking steps towards traveling independence, I think you're well on your way. I think there's a lot you can do close to home, too, such as taking a new route on public transportation or if you drive, learning how to drive a car with manual transmission if you're used to automatic. You can study foreign languages, read up on customs and follow foreign news or speak to people from different countries on Skype. (They have language exchanges I know.) You could plan journeys using online resources or talk to a travel agent for general advice. You could start planning a trip and making a budget now. The NY Times has a good review of travel websites here . I wish you luck and happy travels!