T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 30102
posted 04-18-2009 05:02 AM
I am very conflicted right now...
I am thinking of ending my relationship with my boyfriend. I need help figuring this out. This is very hard for me to do and I'm not sure how to go about it or when the right time to do it. My parents have made it obvious that they do not want me to be in a relationship with this person because they believe it is not a healthy one, that he is bringing me down, that my 'reputation' is bad because I am with him, he is just no good for me, etc. My mom has threatened to stop paying for my school, because I am going to college right now. She thinks I have no self esteem and that I'm stupid for being with him. An incident happened where the cops came to my house and his house because we were yelling at each other in his car and the neighbors called, so my parents were extremely angry over that. They never see him or talk to him because they don't want him to come over, but they expected him to come apologize to them. I'm not sure if he should, because I think it just might cause more trouble. I also feel bad because this is making me look bad in front of my younger brothers, and that I think I'm not being a good role model for them. I get the feeling that my friends do not like him either, even though they actually haven't said that. Though one of my friends told me that she thinks that he is holding me back, that he's not giving me enough room, that I should think about what's going to happen in the future, and that he is taking more than he is giving in the relationship. I am thinking that I am the only one left, that everyone is against me. But at the same time, I feel that maybe I am not realizing something, that maybe they are right about him and I just have a hard time seeing it. I have had a couple of terrible fights with my parents, mainly my mom, about seeing him, and I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like maybe he isn't worth it anymore. I think I am starting to realize that while I do care and love this person, maybe this isn't a healthy relationship. I don't know if he realizes it either. The reason I am finding this so difficult and why I would like advice is because I am afraid of hurting him, and that his family and friends are going to hate me. I think he has low self esteem because he seems controlling and jealous at times and sometimes it takes a toll on me. For example he gets annoyed or something when I go out with friends but I don't tell him about it, because he wants to know where I am or what I am doing, and that he feels that I should let him know. But he think it's okay to get high with his friends without telling me and expect me not to get mad about it, even though he said he wouldn't do it without me or something. And so I go out drinking with my friends, and he gets mad that I didn't let him know. Just scenarios like that usually happen between us. I think I have been toxic to relationship as well, because it seems he is depressed because of me, because he told me that he feels like a disapointment to me. However our relationship is rocky, we haven't had a great past (he's been emotionally abusive, and at one point shoved me). But other times it's great. I don't know what to do. I think I may be scared to end this relationship, it makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking of breaking up with him. However I have realized that there has usually been something troubling that goes on when I am with him; there is always something rotten in this relationship, and I have given him many chances. I am thinking that I am waiting for something, but I don't know what. I don't feel like waiting anymore. I don't know if it's unhealthy because I am so used to him or what, or if everyone else is wrong and I am right. I do love him, but I want to be on my own. I have no idea what to say to him if I do decide to end it. Please help... this is a very important decision for me.
Member # 30102
posted 04-19-2009 11:23 PM
I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like there could be so much more between us. Or maybe I'm just hoping for a lost cause? Because I've gone through so many terrible things with him, but when everything is fine it's wonderful. I can't understand why we aren't stable. I can't see this clearly, can someone please help me put this in perspective?
Member # 5375
posted 04-20-2009 08:31 PM
You've posted about this guy
before and it doesn't sound like things have improved. Last time I agreed taking a break was a good idea, but if you're still having problems (and his controlling behaviors are definitely problems) it sounds like this relationship is doing you more harm than good. Have you read through The Abusive Partner Checklist? I think you'll find far too much of it seems familiar to you; hopefully that will reassure you that ending this relationship is the right thing to do.
Member # 30102
posted 04-21-2009 12:19 AM
I know....but I'm not sure when to do it. To be honest I'm kind of afraid of him spreading lies about me. I'm sure he's never told anyone about that time he shoved me. It's like he expects me to forgive and forget, but I can't...I feel like I should wait until we have a fight or something, so it will be easier to break it off...
Member # 3
posted 04-21-2009 09:50 AM
Oracle, here's an article that's a pretty important companion to that checklist (I saw which boxes you checked in that other thread, too, so I think we can be sure this is, indeed, abusive), particularly so you can get a better sense of what the dynamics of abuse are and identify how the cycle of abuse is in your relationship:
. Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault In that other thread, you mentioned he only does these things when fighting and is perfectly lovely at other times, so I got the sense you might not be familiar with the cycle, and how that dynamic is very typical. People getting out of abuse often find that making a solid plan is helpful, so if you'd like some help in doing that, we can help. [ 04-21-2009, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 30102
posted 04-25-2009 12:58 AM
I ended it. It was hard. He got really angry and threw every last insult he could at me, telling me that he hated me, that he should have cheated on me, pretty much just turning it around so everything was my fault,claiming that I am a liar, that I never loved him, and that I am a horrible person. I admit I was bitchy at times, but I think it was for good reason. I wanted it to be civil, but he was angry from the start. I told him my reasons. I hope they were clear enough, but I think not because he didn't really have to listen to what I had to say, because he already assumed the worst of me, and convinces him self that I am doing everything to hurt him. He told me he was going to go into his house and shoot himself, and implied that I would be responsible for it. He said that we could work it out and that he would change, but I said I was done. He kept telling me that he loved me, but I didn't believe him. He shouted at me and told me to stay out of his life, as if I'm the one who instigated the whole relationship, and I told him I didn't want to talk to him. He wanted to kiss me before he left, but I didn't, so he got angry and said that he should leave before he did anything that he would regret, slammed my door and walked away.
I am glad that I realized what kind of relationship this was. I have received support from my friends and family. I am a little worried that he might harm himself though, because knowing him I think he might do it. I am afraid for the future, I wonder if I stayed things would have been better. But I think I've given him enough chances...
Member # 5375
posted 04-26-2009 09:52 PM
Wow, I just saw this and I am so proud of you. That sounds like an incredibly difficult conversation -- made even more so by his behavior -- but you stuck with your decisions and got through it. That's simply marvelous.
While it must be hard to hear him make threats like that, don't forget that anything he does will be his choice. You are not responsible for his actions. Let me repeat that: you are not responsible for his actions. You made choices that reflected your best interests, as you should. He has every opportunity to do the same, and if he chooses to do harm to himself or someone else, that is in no way your fault. Break-ups are never easy, and this one sounds especially tough, so let us know how things are going.