T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 18028
posted 09-22-2008 03:11 AM
A few days ago, I met an amazing person (not that everyone here isn't amazing; you all know what I'm getting at). For the record, I'm 18, she's 20, and we're both college students. After dinner, a walk, and conversation, she stared at me, walked forward, and kissed me. Then she freaked out and started apologizing that she used me and her misplaced guilt was obvious. *I consented* to the kiss and *I kissed her.*
Later on, she confessed to me that this was her first kiss. Fast forward a few days. We had a real date and it seemed to go as well as good dates go. I walked her back to her room and she insisted that if I was going to kiss her, it only be on the cheek. This prompted a long conversation in which she started talking about how she wasn't looking for a committed relationship at the moment and though she wanted to kiss me, she didn't want to do anything that might start a committed relationship.... etc. I suggested a casual relationship and she looked at me funny. Then I rephrased that as "friends with benefits." She looked at me funny again. I explained the concept. Her: "But wouldn't that just be a purely physical relationship." Me: "Not even close!" Her: "How?" Sadly, I had to leave after that. Classes can really suck sometimes. She is a person with a traditional background but a rejection of some of the previous religious teachings that were forced on her. Basically, she has a limited understanding of the array of sexual and relationship options available to two different people because she was simply never exposed to anything but the most fundamentalist Christian concept of a relationship (dating, marriage, [vaginal] sex). I want to introduce her to what's out there without coming across as though I am trying to change her. I just want to expose her to information she needs to make an intelligent decision as to what's right for her. I've already thought of the "just talk to her approach." While, at first glance, that seems like the obvious, logical choice here, I don't think it really is. I could change someone's entire outlook on dating, sex, relationships, and marriage -- that's scary. A conflict of interest definitely exists, too The Question: "How can I show someone whom I'd very much like to have sex with and whom rejects most if not all of the traditional values that have been taught to her as a child that there are other, perfectly normal, romantic and sexual options out there, without overstepping my bounds or abusing my influence in order to make that person see things my way?" [ 09-22-2008, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: coolestdesignz ]
Member # 39785
posted 09-22-2008 11:15 AM
It sounds like she is working at her own pace to find out what a relationship means to her. This may mean encountering new "types" of relationships along the way. Coming from a different perspective, it might seem like her view on the world is very limited, and that could be frustrating to you. Just remember that if she wants to learn about other relationship "options," then she will find out on her own. You could direct her to literature, or maybe some articles on relationships, but otherwise I think this is something she can deal with on her own if she's interested in looking into it. I would think it's fine to describe to a friend about different relationships people have, but I wouldn't think it is my place to encourage any certain "type." That's a personal choice that I would respect.
Member # 18028
posted 09-22-2008 11:27 AM
That's probably a good idea. There are some very matter-of-fact Wikipedia entries that I've seen on some of these issues.
Member # 3
posted 09-22-2008 11:36 AM
I have to say that there is often a bit of a weird power imbalance that can happen if someone with sexual interest in you self-appoints themselves as your sexual teacher or guide. Because you clearly have your own agenda -- in the sense that you are suggesting a friends-with-benefits relationship -- that doesn't exactly make you an unbiased party. You do seem to be aware of that, but at the same time, I hear you saying you want to teach her, you know? What Blue Koi had to say on this was pretty spot-on. I'd also say that for someone this sheltered, an FWB is a helluva departure. That's a big leap, in other words, so I'd back off and give her a lot more time before you suggest that again.
Member # 18028
posted 09-22-2008 11:43 AM
Yeah. I was really torn on the issue... and I have a horrible tendency to overthink everything.
I guess the answer to my question is "Don't." Thank you [ 09-22-2008, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: coolestdesignz ]
Member # 3
posted 09-22-2008 11:48 AM
It's not so much about overthinking as it is recognizing that there's a big difference between parenting and partnership, you know?
Member # 18028
posted 09-22-2008 11:54 AM
Yeah. Crossing that line would make me feel like a horrible, evil person.
It's just that I appear to have met someone with ideas and concepts so far separated from anything I've ever actually experienced in real-life thus far. College is weird that way, I guess -- and awesome, too. I feel a lot better about doing nothing than trying to figure out what I should do, especially because the answer is "nothing." [ 09-22-2008, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: coolestdesignz ]