T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33031
posted 08-25-2008 03:25 PM
Today was the first day of school, 7 months afer I broke up with my bf, what we call the abusive one (from recent posts) throughout the summer I've retrieved all things I had once lost, my friends, my ego, my self esteem, my happiness. and I've even found happiness in the arms of another guy who treats me perfectly.
but today, I saw him again. and he always tries to talk to me, or to mock me, or bug me. and I've taken it up with the assistant principal and they've done what they could've, and he's supposed to go to another school in another district but he transfered to be near me last year. but after I dumped him....it gives him NO REASON to still stay at my school (which he badmouthed SO MUCh when I was with him) so surprised as I am he is still near. THe thing that causes me to come to this, is I need help. Although I am happy, I find happiness, I find what I have once lost...he is still there lurking at me and somewhat just belittling me how can someone you now have no affiliations to, still belittle you in every possible way?? I saw him in the hall for a split second. walked past him. and I could hear him make a sarcastic laughter HA HA HA at me. as if I was a joke. I went to class feeling like he doesn't approve, he doesn't want me wearing that nice dress I wore, or talking to that girl i was talking with. All the feelings came rushing back. If he had walked past without a word. life would've been grand. Senior Year would still be worth having high hopes but it seems like having high hopes are always getting shot down by him and his unnecessary remarks. please tell me how to get through this. because I'm just too settled to really badmouth back at him. and It's just too childish and i really just can't ignore it either because I have and it doesn't stop. I can't report it because what do I say? "he was laughing at me" they didn't do anything. they called his parents. his parents didn't care. (they're abusive also so surprise surprise) but. I just...I don't know why he's still bugging me. why?? what do I need to do? I already avoid paths that he walks. people that he talks to. but then I think to myself. why do I! have to avoid him?! I want peace. I want to walk where I want to. i want to talk to whoever I want to. without the likes of him always breathing down my neck. what do I do? why does he keep doing this to me?
Member # 39785
posted 08-26-2008 11:37 AM
It seems like you are moving on, but your ex can't. This isn't your fault, and shouldn't have to tolerate this type of treatment. See if you can talk to the school administration again, and make sure they know how uncomfortable you feel. You can tell them what would make you feel more safe. Also, report things (even the small things!) that he is doing to you to make you feel uncomfortable. Ask for a copy of your school's sexual harassment procedures to know what you can do. Also, whenever he bothers you, just take a second and close your eyes, and think about all th things that make you feel good about yourself NOW. Perhaps your new boyfriend, or your friends, your favorite shirt that looks good on you, ANYTHING to try and block his judgement of you out of your mind. Here is information I found on http://www.equalrights.org/publications/kyr/shwork.aspIt pertains to sexual harassment at work, but it can apply to school, too. quote: Say “No” Clearly Tell the person that his/her behavior offends you. Firmly refuse all invitations.If the harassment doesn’t end promptly, write a letter asking the harasser to stop and keep a copy. Write Down What Happened As soon as you experience the sexual harassment, start writing it down.Write down dates, places, times, and possible witnesses to what happened.If possible, ask your co-workers to write down what they saw or heard, especially if the same thing is happening to them.Remember that others may (and probably will) read this written record at some point. It is a good idea to keep the record at home or in some other safe place.Do not keep the record at work. Report the Harassment Tell your supervisor, your human resources department or some other department or person within your organization who has the power to stop the harassment. If possible, tell them in writing. Keep a copy of any written complaint you make to your employer.It is very important that you report the harassment because your employer must know or have reason to know about the harassment in order to be legally responsible for a co-worker, client or customer’s actions. Even if your harasser was your supervisor, you may need to show that you reported the harassment to your employer or give a good reason why you didn’t. Start a Paper Trail When you report the sexual harassment to your employer, do it in writing.Describe the problem and how you want it fixed.This creates a written record of when you complained and what happened in response to it. Keep copies of everything you send and receive from your employer. Review your Personnel File It is your right to see your personnel file.If you work for a private employer, in certain states including California, you have the right to request and receive copies of everything in your file that you have signed. Use the Grievance Procedure at Work Many employers and schools have policies for dealing with sexual harassment complaints. You may be able to resolve the problem through this process.To find out your employer’s policies, look in your employee manual/personnel policies and/or speak to a human resources officer. It is important to follow your employer’s procedures.
Member # 25425
posted 08-26-2008 01:51 PM
Hi Jen! I remember talking to you when you were having a tough time with your ex, and I'm glad to hear that you've left him behind and are moving on and doing well. I know that's really difficult to do, so I hope you realize that you've come really far, and feel proud of yourself. You should!
It sucks that it seems like your ex hasn't managed to move on yet, however. You ask why he still does that, when you two no longer have anything to do with each other - but just that is likely the reason. Abusers thrive on having power over people, on being able to control and manipulate them. I'm sure it bugs the hell out of your ex that you've been able to extricate yourself from his control and move on. Has school just started up and you're just now seeing him again for the first time? Then there's still a chance that, if you just ignore him, he'll grow tired of this and move on. But there's also the chance he'll get aggravated and step things up. You know him best: has he ever been violent towards you? If so, I suggest you have another chat with the school administration. You may even want to speak to the counselor first and explain the situation to them, so they'll be able to back you up. Do you have any friends who know what your relationship was like? They may also be able to support you in your claims. In general, you'll just want to make sure that your safety and well-being are taken care of. Surround yourself with your friends. Try to ignore your ex's presence. Make sure there are some people around you who understand the situation and can step in if need be. I know it sucks that he's still affecting your life, and I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. You deserve so much better. I hope you're able to work this out, and go on being happy. [ 08-26-2008, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: September ]
Member # 33031
posted 08-29-2008 01:58 AM
Thank you so much for replying.
This IS the first time I've seen him since all summer. Thing is, he is also going out with this girl who graduated. and I WARNED her. she asked me about the situation and I told her straight up and she still went for his sweet talk bait. I stressed over that because I really worried about her and stuff. but I mean it's her life. or their life whatever. I didn't think his immaturity was so high. He doesn't get anything out of laughing at me except thinking highly of himself. but that's just ridiculous. and it's not just him, his brother who initially took my side but over spring break he told his brother something that made his brother completely shun me and if anything blames me and when public talks he claims I stopped talking to him. They(his friends) all think I'm overdramatic. because HE told them in a sense that I was. and he of course thinks it's stupid that he is any close to an abuser. but just look at what he does! he's still messing around. and today I saw him in the hall when it was empty and I was walking to class. and I avoided him! again! and ran into the class and he saw and did a big loud "PFFT" like. again laughing. or stifled laughter or whatever. but I just COULD NOT get it out of my head. I don't want to HIDE. because I don't want him to think even more highly of himself and see that I have to HIDE from him. but I do because I don't want to deal. but even so it blows up in my face whether I make a deal about it which he finds that he IS making an effect with his remarks and he does argue back in cases and I just can't beat his words because I'm just not that fast paced of an arguer. avoid it, same. ignore it, same. I can't tell it to someone. because again it's just not a big thing it's just him trying to mess with me pathologically with 1 second remarks. Can i report him for that? Is that something they'd even care about? no matter how much I strive to make a name for myself at school in which case I do I have really done a lot after the break up I formed a school club, been in activities, volunteered, hung out with friends all the great stuff! and no matter what I. just. can't. win. I still get low esteem when he does that. and it's just hard at times. For the most part this year has gone by okay. but it could be so perfect without him intervening with his mind boggling immature remarks. still I just...don't think I know what to do in this case. What is there left to do anyways? Blue Koi: Yeah, I do try to think of good things, but they still think I'm a laughingstock. and then I feel like I am too. and I'm not sure about the sexual harassment stuff but I'll look at that soon enough. I jsut don't think at this point my reason to tell would be very legit. beecause they are like 1 second remarks. laughters. and sarcasm. :/ also what do you think I should do other than that? if I can't fully ignore and face the problem or tell it to authority? what do you think there is left to do?
Member # 25425
posted 08-29-2008 02:48 AM
Jen, I would suggest making an appointment to see the school counselor and telling them the whole story. That way, you can share the whole story with someone who is trained to do deal with this sort of thing. And then you'd have a great ally to take to the administration with you. That way, you don't have to tell your principal everything, but you'd have an adult who's affiliated with the school on your side.
And really, I do believe you have a case: there's not only your history with this boy to consider, but also the fact that he's harassing you now (snarky remarks and laughter ARE harassment) and has turned all of his friends against you, as well. If nothing else, that's bullying, and that's generally not something that's cool with high school teachers. As for your ex's new girlfriend - you cannot do much more than warn her. While it sucks to know what she's likely in for, you do have to think of yourself first here. You've done all you can for her, and your first priority should be your safety and well-being now. And maybe keeping in mind what you've said, this new girlfriend will notice signs of abuse sooner. Lastly, have you considered getting some counseling? That could be a great way to help you build up your self-esteem so you are less vulnerable to attacks from your ex and his friends. But, again: You are already winning, Jen. You've gotten out of the relationship! You are moving on! Those are awesome achievements. Don't sell yourself short. [ 08-29-2008, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: September ]