T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 35890
posted 02-13-2008 11:58 PM
I was just talking to my boyfriend online about the proposition of sex, specifically intercourse, as we have not had that yet. I'm not even sure how we came upon the subject but he started to say that he was worried he would "fail" at sex.
Can you really fail at sex? 'Cause I didn't think so. No matter how many times I try to tell him that he cannot be a failure in my eyes, he is deathly afraid that he cannot live up to my expectations (whatever he thinks those are for me; I assure you they are not impossible to achieve). He has told me before that he constantly worries about being what I want him to be, but he does not seem to understand that what I hope for him to be is exactly what he is. I think that much of his problem is that he is not completely comfortable with his own body, but he only lightly brought up his worry about 'endurance'..but he would not clarify his plethora of fears dealing with sex. So I asked him. He says: 'There are so many! I don't see how you can't understand.' He tells me pregnancy is not one of his big worries; we've got condoms and know what to do with them. I was a little tired of him being so secretive; I just wanted him to tell me what he was afraid of so I could better understand and try to work it out. I asked if he would just tell me what he was worried about. He simply says no, and a few moments later, tells me he is going to bed and signs off. Needless to say, I was frustrated. I don't know if he said no because he can't describe what is worrying him, or if for some reason he feels like he does not need to discuss his concerns with me. He is someone who normally understands and benefits from serious communication, so I'm a bit thrown off by this. I can't help but feel a shut out. We usually do well with communicating our needs, limits, etc., but I feel like I have hit a stone wall. Am I just taking a totally wrong approach here? Is there any way for me to get him to express his concerns? Thanks in advance. [ 02-14-2008, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Horizon ]
Member # 29737
posted 02-14-2008 07:02 PM
does he seem to have many self esteem problems in other aspects of his life? Because this sounds like more of a personal self esteem issue for him, than having anything to do with you, so there is really not much more you can do than be supportive.
I would try to maybe talk to him about it face to face if possible, because then it is harder to run away, but I wouldn't pressure him, it is really something he needs to figure out on his own. Maybe you could direct him to some articles on first time anxiety and worries about pleasing your partner and such. If he's usually open with communication it's odd that he's being closed about this, but sex can be a tricky subject with some guys. I know quite a few guys feel it is their "duty" or "responsibility" to please the woman in bed, because they are "supposed to know what they are doing" most guys that feel that way know it's completely irrational but still think it anyways.
Member # 35890
posted 02-14-2008 07:18 PM
He's a very peculiar character-- some days he says he feels ugly as sin, and on other days, the only phrase he can say is "Damn, I'm good looking." I guess I always assumed he was fairly physically secure until now.
The "supposed to know what they are doing" thing you mentioned pretty much clicks with him. He has expressed that he was afraid to not know what to do about it. Thank youu.
Member # 36078
posted 02-17-2008 11:34 AM
about what you were saying about your boyfriend putting himself down some days, and other days sort of actively saying that he is good looking - sometimes people may actively 'say' that they are good looking, or whatever else they aspire to be/ aren't actually that sure of as some kind of an attempt to persuade themselves that they believe it. That, and also sometimes get the validation of other people around them. I'm not sure whether this is the case here, but it's something to be aware of anyway - I know I've noticed it in a couple of friends now and then, a kind of to-and-froing in their own self-perception. I don't think you're taking the wrong approach from what you've said - it sounds like you're very supportive and generally communicative with each other, which is a good basis. It's probably not all that uncommon for men (and women!) to be anxious about first-time penetrative sex, and so long as you're not both just focussing on that kind of sex, but also other things which you enjoy (which it sounds like you are from your post), then with time and reassurance he will probably relax. Like hunnybunny suggested, if you could talk face to face perhaps he would find it easier to communicate what his concerns are, rather than stashing the 'so many' inside himself. Certainly though, it sounds like you've got the basis for communication to work it out just fine.
Member # 35890
posted 02-17-2008 10:18 PM
Thanks for your replies hunnybunny888 and thismoment.
We did get to talk about his concerns a little more in depth when he took down the "iron curtain" of communication, so to speak. I realized that he held many preconceived notions about intercourse, such that it will almost definitely hurt for girls and he had some worries about penis size. Luckily for me, I have been reading around on this website for several months now and was able to tell him that he wasn't quite on track with that. His words were "Well, I'm glad you know so much. It makes me feel better." So, in turn, I feel much better as well.