T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33601
posted 10-29-2007 10:36 AM
Please tell me if I seem to be overreacting:
My boyfriend's birthday is Jan 3rd. Last year on Jan 2nd he left with his brother to drive from Alabama to Texas to pick up his brother's daughter (he has split custody) so he didnt spend his birthday with me. Well he told me that for New Years 08 he's going to go to New York with his best friend (who has family in NY) and he'll be gone for his birthday this year too. I'm uncomfortable with this particularly because I know his best friend doesnt like me and would probably condone inappropriate behavior -- you know what I mean. In New York, it's new years, lots of strangers... Birthdays are a big thing to me and I like to make a big deal out of them. The fact that he would rather spend New Years AND his birthday with his best friend and a bunch of strangers really *#&$ing sucks to me!! I mean, we met just before his birthday in 06 so we didnt do it big then, but it kind of sucks that for now two years in a row he's ditching me. Then I think, well, it's HIS birthday and he should get to spend it how he wants. BUT HELL-- What about me?? To kind of compound things, I'll be leaving for California for a few days AFTER he'll be getting back from NY, but I'm going to see my family for my sister's baby shower (my mom's first grandkid -- its a big deal), it's not like it'll be New Years or anything. I think what makes all of this worse is that our lease (we live together) is up in March and after that he doesnt want to live together anymore. But that's a different topic entirely..... [ 10-29-2007, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: miss tea ]
Member # 33204
posted 10-30-2007 11:11 PM
Personally what I would do is spend your next Birthday away from him. Make it clear you made plans with someone else/friends/family/whoever. If he asks why he can't go, make an excuse or simply say, "I just thought you weren't big into celebrating Birthdays. Well, there is always next year!" This should bother him enough because he can't figure out why you don't want to spend time with him, AND if he wants you to let him take part in your life, make it clear that you should be in his where you think it's important.
Some people just need to be showed what to do rather than being told.
Member # 25983
posted 10-30-2007 11:17 PM
I'm going to have to very much disagree, PunxPride.
It is NEVER mature, or very effective, to fight fire with fire. Spitefulness has no place in a caring relationship with anybody; clear, rational communication and an attempt to reach a compromise, on the other hand, is CRUCIAL. To boot, it doesn't sound very much as if birthdays are a big deal to miss tea's boyfriend, so he might not even mind and miss the (miscommunicated) message entirely. So, that brings me to the first, most important question I'll need to ask: have you directly told him this bothers you, and why, miss tea? [ 10-30-2007, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]
Member # 33601
posted 10-31-2007 01:02 PM
quote: Originally posted by PunxPride: Some people just need to be showed what to do rather than being told. That sounds
exactly like something that would come from the lips of my boyfriend. I agree with Lauren that it's neither mature nor effective to fight fire with fire. If there is a problem in a relationship, you dont try to make the situation worse in order to get someone to understand something. That's bullying! To answer your question Lauren, yes I have clearly and calmly brought it up to him that I'm disappointed I wont be able to be with him on his birthday again this year. He started talking about how I'm holding him back and I'm no fun to be with. As a side note: How can he just decide after two years that I'm no fun to be with? Could be because we've lived together for the last year, he might be a little "burnt out" on me. Then again, how much do I really want to be with someone who doesnt think I'm any fun, someone who doesnt enjoy my company anymore, someone who cant give me a straight answer to the question, "Are we ever going to have sex again?" (its been like two weeks) AAaaaahhhhh...
Member # 5375
posted 11-02-2007 11:34 PM
It sounds like the birthday isn't the main problem in your relationship. You asked a lot of questions in your last post that make me think you two aren't communicating very well right now. It does sound like you're trying to talk about things with him so how are those conversations going? Are you both getting a chance to share your feelings? (So sorry to turn this into an after school special, but you know what I mean.) Are you both willing to take steps to improve things? Have either of you asked the other for any specific changes?
Member # 33601
posted 11-05-2007 03:53 PM
I communicate very well, but he doesnt. I am pretty sure that our relationship has been over for a while, I just didnt want to give it up and admit that he's not good for (or to) me at all.
With all the things that have happened in the last year, it would probably be best for both of us if we broke up. That's just a really depressing realization though, you know? -- I moved thousands of miles away from everything I knew to be with him, because I thought we had a future together. But now he just wants to "not be responsible for anyone else" as he puts it. He's 22, almost 23, and I can understand that he wants to go out and party with all of his friends, but I think that he should at least cut me some slack since I moved here SOLELY to be with him. His comeback is usually something to the tune of, "Well go find some friends! I'm with you 24/7 and I want to go out with my friends and not worry about whether or not you're having a good time." Now, I've been here for a little over a year and still the only friends I have are the people I work with. A couple of them are 40-something divorcees, one is a newlywed, one is married, and the other is a 23 year old college grad who has the same "I want to party" mentality as my boyfriend, except she actually goes out with her boyfriend. Has anyone else moved and taken this long to make new friends? It seems like my biggest challenge is finding someone my age who I get along with and has the same interests as me. Where are they hiding??? **edit: To answer your question, I would bend over backwards if he would just be happy and want to be with me. However, this does not seem to be the case. It's almost like he would rather make me miserable if it means he will be happy. [ 11-05-2007, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: miss tea ]
Member # 5375
posted 11-05-2007 09:34 PM
I'm sorry miss tea.
It sounds like your boyfriend is being really selfish all around and isn't acting much like a partner. I'm afraid I have to agree when you say it would be best if you broke up -- you just can have a relationship if he's not willing to put something into it. So where does this leave you? Do you have the resources to move out or move back to where you're from? Where do you want to go from here?
Member # 33601
posted 11-06-2007 10:59 AM
I dont have the resources right now to move out, and our lease is up in March. I am trying to get up the nerve to ask my dad for money so I can get out of the lease in mid-December, I just hate asking for money. And really, I have no idea where I want to go or do. Every time I think about leaving again I just get so depressed I ignore it. I realize that I am young and beautiful and I deserve so much better than what this guy is giving me, I just really dont feel like I have any direction anymore.