T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 34191
posted 06-05-2007 06:03 PM
I have a really big issue and I'll try to explain how I feel the best I can because I really need some advice on this...
My boyfriend smokes ciggarettes and, well frankly I hate it. It doesnt bother me so much when anyone else does it, but because I care about him so much, I hate to see him do it. We have talked about it and he knows I really dont like it and so he never does it around me. So the illusion in my eyes is like he doesnt smoke. The thing is though, when we go to parties together, he does smoke. I know its because its the alchohol but I dont know if its being around his friends who do also or what. And i have thought about it, and I realize i cant change him, he has to do that for himself, and he had this habit before we even started dating. So i cant expect him to change himself and thats wrong to have such expecations. But i still cant help the way i feel...i think it might be because since im under the illusion that he never does it, and because i push that thought out of my mind, whenever he does I feel like im looking at a different person, some fake, bad side of him that I dont know. And so i absolutely despise even looking at him while he is holding a cigarette. And its only him...no one else. Im so conflicted...because I want to accept this part of him because its who he is...but everytime i think about it i cant stand it. Just some advice or some words or something would be appreciated, thanks.
Member # 1679
posted 06-05-2007 07:57 PM
I've been thinking about your post here...
You've asked a really hard question. On the one hand, people are (and should be) free to make their own choices. But on the other hand, clearly this is something that affects you as well since you are in a close relationship with this person. Have you talked to him about quitting? Smoking is such an unhealthy habit. Since you clearly care about him, it's perfectly logical for you to be concerned about his health and to want to encourage habit that are healthy. Also, second-hand smoke is a bad deal for non-smokers who have to be around it, so if he's smoking around you (even just at parties), that's really not so cool (especially if you plan on being together for quite a while).
Member # 34191
posted 06-05-2007 08:50 PM
I have talked about him quitting...but he says hes not addicted(they all do, dont they) and doesnt do it that much. He did even quit for me for a while, but then I think he decided he should have to change himself for anyone else, and went back to it.
He knows how much I think its bad for his health also. Sigh. [ 06-05-2007, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: Rock-My-Socks ]
Member # 3
posted 06-05-2007 08:56 PM
In all honesty, partners, friends, family...really can't make anyone else quit a habit, especially one so addictive.
(And believe me, I know too well how addictive: I've smoked since I was 11 years old, and...yeah. Ugh. If he's truly not yet addicted, quitting should be no big whoop, and honestly, if he's young, it STILL will be a far smaller whoop than it will the longer he smokes.) Ultimately, I'm afraid that my advice would be that you have to accept that he's smoking right now, and decide if you want to be with a smoker or not, even if he gets it together and quits later. And whatever you decide is 100% valid: you can tell him if you decide you just can't deal with being with a smoker, just be sure not to set it up like an ultimatum, since not only will that tend to backfire, you'll also -- if he wants to stay with you -- probably just wind up with someone who learns to get sneakier, rather than quitting.
Member # 31948
posted 06-05-2007 09:04 PM
Hey, rock-my-socks, I have a boyfriend that smokes as well.
I've found that smokers do not quit unless they have a good, solid reason that they believe in (like the fact that it negatively affects a loved one). I'm sorry you're faced with such a difficult situation... but if he isn't taking you into consideration, maybe you should try reevaluating your relationship :/ Edit: eep! Damn you, Heather! XD [ 06-05-2007, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: snarky ]
Member # 3
posted 06-05-2007 09:09 PM
(Hey: I'm human like everyone else, and not even close to without my own set of flaws and weaknesses. Hate to dissappoint, but also not about to be dishonest with y'all about it.)
Member # 34191
posted 06-05-2007 09:39 PM
I think i do have to accept it...
It just really sucks because of the strong emotions I feel when I think about it/see it. I almost wish he did do it in front of me all the time, so it wouldnt be a big slap in the face whenever i randomly see it. But that would probably be worse anyway.
Member # 27531
posted 06-06-2007 10:33 PM
My ex-boyfriend smoked too. He was the "i drink i smoke" type: he'd smoke a cigarette or two when he was drinking. I, just like you, had a huge problem watching the man I loved put all that yucky stuff in his body...not to mention how stupid he looked with a cigarette in his hand. I learned just not to be in a situation where I had to watch him smoke...AT ALL. That meant I never went to the bar with him...I never went to his friends' houses whom I knew he'd smoke (pot or cigarettes) with...and if he really wanted me to go with him, we had an agreement before we left the house that he wouldn't engage in those activities. If he really wanted to be with me, he'd make that sacrifice so that we could hang out. It's really a matter of priorities for your guy: if smoking is more important to him, tell him you'd rather not go with him that night. This isn't really an ultimatum, because you aren't asking him NOT to do anything: you're just simply stating, "If ya wanna smoke, I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight instead. If you want to hang out with me tonight, please respect my feelings." Then, he can choose.
Member # 34191
posted 06-07-2007 02:33 PM
Thanks for everyone's advice