T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33934
posted 05-19-2007 08:37 PM
I'll start by saying that I am 18, turning 19 next month, and my girlfriend is 19, turning 20 in July. We've been going out since December, and we've never had an argument. I'm her first boyfriend, and she's my second girlfriend (but my first relationship never got anywhere, thankfully). We love each other very much, we support each other emotionally, we get along very well, etc. Generally great relationship, except for one thing. Over the past couple days we've been having our first conflict. It's not an angry one. We've been talking it over and trying to decide what to do. It's still a conflict though. Recently, we started getting a little more physical. We didn't kiss until our second date, and over time we progressed to French kissing and ear nibbling. That's fine with both of us. However, lately I've been fondling her breasts and on our last two dates I've been licking and sucking them. She enjoys it. This is where the conflict arises: She has never masturbated, although she's tried. She doesn't know what she likes, aside from ear nibbling and breast fondling, and she doesn't fully know how to recognize when she's in the mood. I, on the other hand, have been masturbating regularly since I was ten, at some points multiple times per day. I've been looking at pornography for most of that time. She knows I look at porn and doesn't have a problem with it. But my libido is generally very, very active. I have a plethora of paraphilias, all of which she knows about. We are very open and honest about our relationship and how we feel, for the most part. On our last date I started feeling neglected. I really want her, but she's not ready, and although I feel ready sometimes, I know I'm probably not either. But my sex drive is just so overwhelmingly powerful, and I start to feel so bad because I want to do things with her she's not ready for. I really, honestly do not want to rush her and would feel bad if I did, and she told me that she does feel a little rushed. She also doesn't want me to feel rejected or neglected though, which I do, even though I know I shouldn't. We've both been lonely for most of our lives. We both had expectations about what a loving relationship would bring us. We both knew we wanted a relationship that offered love, emotional support, and acceptance, and now we have that and it makes us very happy. However, I've also always had a sort of belief that a loving relationship would involve not only emotional support, but also romantic intimacy (not strictly sexual gratification, which I can and do get from porn and fantasy - I don't know if I'm making it clear what I mean). Now that I have the emotional support but the romantic intimacy I've longed for all my life isn't there, I feel a little rejected. When we're talking online or together in public, we enjoy each other's company and I appreciate how wonderful she is, her physical beauty aside. There's so many things I love about her. However, when we're alone together, my sexual attraction toward her just takes over. I keep wanting more, and the further we go the further I want to go. We don't want my libido to get in the way of our enjoyment of each other's company, but it seems to be heading that way. A while ago we decided to set a clear limit on what we would do, hoping that would make things easier. We're not going to go further than ear nibbling until we're both ready, because kissing, tickling, back and neck massage and ear nibbling are things we both enjoy and so neither of us would feel like we're getting a bad deal. Still, we don't know if that would work well enough, because my libido can get very strong, so we decided to seek advice. We've both been reading this site, and we decided to post here (I'm the only one with direct access to the account as per the rules of the forum, but she reads it and has equal input in what I post). How could I keep my longing for her under control so we can take things slowly and enjoy our love? Also, she never tried to experiment and find out her sexual desires and what she enjoys, what turns her on, because she never saw the need. She wants to take it slowly, and I'm fine with that, although my overactive libido isn't. She said she wants to wait to have sex until we're in a stable situation, preferably married, and that she will probably start experimenting to find out what turns her on within a year, if not longer. However, we're worried that the time will come when we get married and we both want to have sex, but she still will not be ready. She says it just doesn't feel right to her, that she's not used to thinking about sex and that she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't have confidence in her ability to do it right, and she's only beginning to understand how to recognize when she's in the mood. She read the articles on masturbation and sexual response, but she's still not sure. She also feels conflicted between her personal morals and her desires. How can we overcome this problem? Sorry about the longwindedness and the ramblingness. Sometimes I have problems communicating my thoughts and concerns, especially late at night. Hopefully you can understand what I'm saying and what our problems are, and hopefully you can help us.
Member # 17971
posted 05-19-2007 09:10 PM
I'm a bit confused. You say you want romantic intimacy which doesn't necessarily mean sexual gratification, yet you say your relationship is lacking in that kind of intimacy because your girlfriend isn't ready to take things further and this makes you feel rejected?
I know it can feel like it might be your fault if your girlfriend says she's not ready to go any further, but her reasons for feeling that way may not have anything to do with you at all (i.e. it could be because of religious beliefs, or cultural norms, etc). Whatever the cause of her inhibitions, the best thing for you to do right now is support her. She already feels a bit rushed, so slow things down to a level that you are both comfortable with. You've already decided on stopping at a certain activity and not going further until both of you are comfortable. There should be no question as to how to deal with a situation if that doesn't work "well enough." That's the line you've both currently agreed on, so under no circumstance should you cross it. As for the issue with your libido, it's really not something that's out of your control. Your sex drive can be fulfilled quite well by masturbation, looking at porn, or whatever else it is that you do - your body honestly does not know the difference between an orgasm coming from partnered sex and from masturbation. [ 05-19-2007, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: faifai ]
Member # 33934
posted 05-19-2007 11:05 PM
I guess the actual problems got lost in that long rambly post. Sorry, it's late. I'll try again, at least for the first problem (the second more directly involves my girlfriend so I want her input, but she went to bed so it can wait).
I know my body doesn't know the difference, but my mind and my emotions do. When I talk about romantic intimacy, I do mean giving each other physical pleasure, but something beyond that as well, something more emotional, a sort of loving connection. It's an idea I've had for a long time, even though I now know it's an unreasonable misconception of how things really are and how sex and love are connected. However, making the jump from knowing that fact that it doesn't happen to not still wanting it to happen is hard. I know it's more common for women to put a lot of unrealistic emotional expectations into the idea of sex, but somehow I ended up with those expectations too. I'm not the most masculine of men, although I'm also not effeminate. At any rate, that's diluting the actual problem. On our first date, we went to a big art museum and had a very nice time. Then we went back to my house, went into the basement where we could be alone together, and listened to music. We just sat there together, holding hands, her resting her head on my shoulder, letting Sgt. Pepper flow through us, enjoying the music and each other's company. We didn't even kiss that night, but it was still the most satisfying, romantic, happy night of my life, and she felt much the same way. But soon things started getting more physical, like I said. It wasn't just me pushing myself on her, because she wanted me to touch her too, and we both were clear on the fact that either could stop the other whenever we felt uncomfortable. It's just that now that we've made the jump from little playful things like kissing and ear nibbling to very sexual things like sucking her breasts and almost going further, it's sort of opened the door to an overstuffed sexual closet. We miss being able to focus on just being with each other like we used to, and it's hard to shut that door now that it's been opened and the wave of junk has started pouring out. We wish we had gone slower (which would have been easier if we had known about this site, I think), because we're not ready for it, you know? At any rate, I'm going to her house tomorrow and we'll spend the day together, looking at architecture, eating at a nice restaurant, and listening to Quadrophenia. Now that we've set clear limits, it will be easier not to go further than we're ready for, and that will work. What we're not sure will work is whether my desire for her will still get in the way of our enjoyment of each other's company like it has on our last several dates. I know I can control my sex drive through masturbation, but when we're together and I get a specific desire to be intimate with her, I can't just whip it out and jack it with her just sitting there, because that would make us both very uncomfortable. The question isn't so much how can we stop going further, but rather, how can we go backward to the point where we (especially but not only me) don't feel the expectation of sexual romantic intimacy whenever we're together and can just cuddle and enjoy our shared nonsexual interests together and be satisfyingly intimate and romantic that way, like we used to? I guess we'll just have to wait until tomorrow and see how things turn out. Maybe setting the limits that we both really wanted will be enough to remove the temptation and desire. We just were looking for more advice, either supplemental to what we're doing with the limits or better advice if we still get distracted from each other by our desires. That's probably still not clear. Ugh. Whatever, I really need to go to bed. Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill and we didn't really need to post here in the first place. G'night, folks.
Member # 5375
posted 05-20-2007 12:01 AM
It sounds like you, perhaps both of you, need to exercise better control over your actions.
It sounds like you both want intimacy but not overtly sexual intimacy. Despite that, you're engaging in overtly sexual activities. The simple solution is to turn your focus from sex to intimacy. That's going to require effort and cooperation from both of you of course. You said you've set some hard limits, are those limits being obeyed at all times? Are you pushing her to go further? Is she pushing you? It's also worth thinking about and discussing what will give you that feeling of intimacy. Defining ahead of time the activities and experiences that you can share that do not push those limits might make it easier to act on your desire for intimacy instead of your desire for sex. Sex can sometimes be used as an instant or automatic source of closeness. After all, it doesn't take much thought or creativity to realize that sex brings you together, one way or another. Actively thinking about alternatives means you don't have to resort to sex when you want to be close to your partner. Perhaps discuss what will work for each of you online or over the phone instead of in person so you don't feel any pressure to forgo the conversation and act on what you're discussing right then and there. Hope this helps.
Member # 33934
posted 05-20-2007 10:23 AM
Thanks for the help. We discussed what we enjoy doing for intimacy without sexuality last night online, and we're together now. We'll see how it turns out. It should be fine.
As for the second problem, she says she's not ready to think about how to become ready yet. I don't want to rush her. Is there any other advice anyone can offer us? Thanks again.
Member # 3
posted 05-20-2007 10:29 AM
Well, given your second sentence there, there isn't a whole lot for her to day: she's not ready, and she's not close to ready or feeling like she's there. So, you let it sit until she brings it to the table, and in the interim, per usual, you can tend to the sheerly physical urges you have with your own two hands, and per emotional intimacy between the two of you, you can simply explore the myriad of ways to be intimate together that DO work for both of you.
And don't forget that long snuggling is often vastly underrated in this department: I was just waxing poetic about this in my own life the other day elsewhere: often, a dwran-out snuggle session really does net you the exact same sort of results that sex does. You get all the emotional intimacy and more, the physical closeness, the bonding, and will often even leave a session like that feeling the same sort of satisfaction and glow one feels when leaving a sex session.
Member # 33934
posted 05-20-2007 06:33 PM
Thanks a lot for the advice. We snuggled without doing anything really sexual while we listened to the music, and it was eighty minutes of pure bliss for both of us. Furthermore, we've discussed how she can take her time and let me know when she's ready to talk about it. At the same time how we should be more communicative about how different things feel so we know how to please each other in nonsexual ways, and I'm sure this communication will continue to be useful whenever we are ready for sex.
We both feel that our relationship is getting stronger, and hopefully it will continue to get stronger. Thanks again for all the help and advice!